I'm Alive

To get you up to speed with my current mental state, I'd like to share a Facebook post of mine from September 9th:

a selfie

CW: suicidal

First, I’m getting help, and am safe right now.

I’ve generally found that talking and being open about my shitty mental health helps, hence this post. (Apparently I feel the need to justify talking about my feelings.) My current situation has been going on for a few days and this feels like a good time to start talking openly about it, since I know talking openly will be part of recovering.

I have a long history of suicidal ideation (since I was twelve), but my relationship to suicidal ideation was always fear of suicide. On Friday I stopped being afraid, and was actually considering it. Fortunately, something convinced me to stick around for a bit longer. That’s when I took this photo; I kinda wanted to capture that “oh shit I have to deal with these emotions since I’m sticking around” feeling.

I went to a walk in clinic on Friday, and I went again today because the emotional pain hasn’t lessened and...I can’t convey how much it hurts. It just hurts so much. It’s so much pain that when I had flashbacks yesterday they were the same level of pain that I was already in, and am still experiencing today. It’s the equivalent of experiencing a flashback to trauma, but imagine that the flashback isn’t passing and I can’t get away form the pain.

I’m still working through what triggered this, and will talk to my therapist on Wednesday about it.

I experienced a paradigm shift on the night that I wanted to die and chose to stick around for a bit longer. (Now that's a sentence I never thought I would write.) This shift might be best described as "What's the worst that can happen, I already wanted to kill myself, fuck this bullshit." In many (good) ways I'm still the same person I was before, but this new attitude has also allowed certain changes that are allowing me to get closer to the person I want to be.

Most importantly, I know what it's like to completely trust myself now. It's somewhat ironic that I learned to trust myself in a moment when I was in such an irrational state of mind, but hey, at least I got something positive out of that experience.

My newly found self trust and "fuck it" attitude has allowed me to already start making positive changes in my life. I'm able to address old thoughts/beliefs with a fresher approach, so that I finally have a hope of moving on and healing. I feel like I've been able to shake some of the trauma that has been weighing me down and controlling me; certain trauma doesn't seem to have the same hold on me when my thoughts are "Yeah well I wanted to kill myself so how scary do you think you are?" I'm exploring new ways of self expression. And I'm finally having conversations about things that needed saying ages ago.

I'm still not ok. I'm still in an immense amount of emotional pain when I'm not numb. I'm still spending much of my time in bed, unable to do much. But I'm crocheting. I've managed to ask for help. I'm working on self care, which includes basic things like (ideally) eating when I need to. I've actually made myself a "care package" of sorts that I'll write another post about. I'm watching educational YouTube videos. I'm breaking down old ways of thinking and creating new thought patterns; which is a painful process that takes most of my energy, and brings me back around to the fact that I'm still not ok. But hey, I actively want to live again, and I can finally really see a way forward. That feels like a win to me.

semicolon henna tattoo

Part of why I stopped writing here is that I didn't want to make this blog all depressing by always talking about how depressed and anxious I am. Fuck that, this is my blog, and one of the things I've realized is that I can totally make this into a mental health blog. Hopefully the topics I explore will expand over time, but if my mental health is all I can find to write about for now, then that's ok. I've given myself permission to write about my fucked up head as much as I want to here.

A Letter to Myself for 2018

What have I learned in the past year? What do I need to remember and bring with me into the next year?

First and foremost on my mind, today, is the subject of relationships. Last spring I told the man who I had previously promised to spend my life with to never contact me again. I cannot possibly explain what brought me to that point in a brief blog post, nor is it something that I am ready to talk about so openly, but I can share a few of the things I learned that led me to walking away from him. One thing I had to learn is that my needs are more important than any other person's wants. Another is that I should not silence or hide who I am for the sake of anyone or any relationship. These are things that I had known in theory, but not fully believed were applicable to myself. In truth, there are still times I'm not fully convinced that these facts apply to me, which is why I'm starting this letter with them. Also, just for good measure, believe someone when they show you who they are.

(Yes, I know that previous paragraph is pure vagueblogging. Bear with me. Or not. Whatever.)

Later in the year I was also fortunate enough to learn from another person what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like. That relationship has just ended, and whatever I've learned from it is too fresh for me to distill down to a few key sentences, so all I'll say about it here and now is to remember that it's possible.

And of course, these are lessons that are applicable far beyond romantic relationships. I need to bring them into all facets of my life.

The other subject which comes to mind is my mental health. I think the only thing I have really learned in the last year is that I'm not the person I was before my "anxiety meltdown," and that's ok. It just means that I need to learn how my brain works now, which is annoying, but that's just how life goes sometimes.

There are other lessons I've become aware of during the past year, but which haven't really seeped into me yet. If I have any resolutions for the coming year, one is for the following to seep into my psyche enough that I remember it when I freeze with panic: Take baby steps to do something, and then let the feeling of completion set in. Just act, no matter how small. Once I really learn this, I think my life will become somewhat easier.

If I'm going to have a second resolution, it's to get into the habit of sharing my experiences and thoughts again. To that end, I intend to resume blogging or vlogging. Whichever feels more appealing to me at any given moment is fine, I just want to stop hiding myself from the world. I think that's something I learned to do because of someone who is no longer in my life, and I think it's time to unlearn that habit.

Best of luck in 2018, and I look forward to whatever new lessons I may learn.

The solar eclipse, a highlight of my year.

Note: I felt the urge to write this after watching this Vlogbrothers video.

Birthday

My birthday was a couple days ago, and I wanted to make a video on the day. To keep my thoughts straight I read something to read for it....which is below. The video is here, if anyone wants to see it.

... ... ...

I used to think that my birthdays would never bother me, that I would grow older without being phased by the passing time. And on one hand that's so: I delight in each new white hair I find on my head, enjoying the contrast they make against the dark hair I was born with. But although my age doesn't bother me, I've found that each year around my birthday I wonder what I've done with my life. It's so easy to focus on what I feel are my failures, so perhaps I should take a moment to think about what I've accomplished.

I'm fairly decent at writing, although I haven't been doing much of it lately. Worth mentioning though, in 2009 one of my poems was published in the magazine Cricket.

I'm told that I'm great at photography. And if I may say so myself, I am pretty good at it.

I'm talented at a variety of hand crafts, such as: needlework, spinning yarn, crochet...and more, but I don't feel like listing everything I can do.

I've competed internationally with the Sweet Adeline's chorus Pride of Portland, and in 2009 we took ninth place at internationals in Hawaii.

I'm very close to completing my English degree at Marylhurst University. I spend a lot of time worrying about what a barrier anxiety and depression are in completing my degree, since I'm very aware that I should have graduated by now. But I should probably also remember that it's taken a lot of work to get where I am now.

And, I've always managed to work my way through anxiety and depression. I still struggle, and I'm sure I'll always have my ups and downs, but to have gotten past the really tough times in the past is something.

So maybe, maybe next year, I'll be able to think about all this and my other accomplishments rather than scrutinizing what I haven't succeeded in yet.

A photo of stairs that I took on my birthday

Posting Schedule

At the start of this week I told myself that I would start doing two things for the next couple months. I got started on one, which was to post a video every Monday on my YouTube channel (which is thus far nameless). The other item on my to do list was to post something to my blog every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That one...I've kind of neglected until now.

This isn't to say that I'll only put up one video per week, or that I'll only write three blog posts every week. I may do more. But that's the minimum, and I'm hoping that the schedule will help me not get sidetracked.

As to what else I want this post to be about...I don't know. I guess this is just a "FYI I want to do this, and I'm sharing my plan so that I'll actually stick to it" post.

Funny thing is, it isn't that I haven't had anything to talk about...but I've been having trouble with depression (I talked a bit about it here) and on top of that, I had to put down my pet rat Kora. She was old, had lived a long time, and she was so weak that it was obviously time. It was still tough, though.

And now, just for the heck of it, a photo I took recently.

A photo posted by Raine Rucker (@earth_worshipper_photography) on Dec 25, 2015 at 5:17pm PST

Comfy at Horror Conventions

I've pondered the odd fact that I feel like I fit in at horror conventions, despite the fact that I have an anxiety disorder. Why in the world would someone with an anxiety disorder watch horror movies?

(Note: I can't handle some of the recent supernatural horror with very realistic special effects, but most of the others horror movies are fine for me.)

I may have finally stumbled across a key to why I'm generally ok with the horror genre.

Thing is, my anxiety is all in my head and it's something that isn't actually a danger to me. The kind of thing that happens in horror stories on the other hand, there is actual danger in them. Visiting your home town that you haven't seen since childhood, only to realize that a vampire has also moved in recently? And then finding that the new love of your life has been turned? Not only does that involve actual danger, but it's also a situation that I'm highly unlikely to ever find myself in.

Maybe I like the reminder of that fact that I'm unlikely to find myself in such situations.

horror silhouette: a knife held in front of a bloody moon

Dear Depression:

 Dear Depression,

I've said before that you feel like an old friend. In any case, you are someone who I've gotten to know fairly well, and whose presence I am used to. I expect that I will be familiar with you throughout my life, but I need you to not lean so heavily on me. Your presence I can accept, but I will do my best to fight you if you drag me down. So please, loosen your grip. Make this easy for us.

-Sarita

journal pages

The above is an excerpt from my journal/sketchbook. Oddly enough, writing a note to depression helped me, at least briefly. And yes, I have found myself wanting to describe depression as an old friend before, which is strange considering how painful it is. But I'm also used to it.

On the opposite page is a simple drawing of a person in the far distance flying a kite, which we see up close. (Though I suppose you could see a tiny figure and a giant kite, if you want to.) Not sure if it has any meaning, I kind of just felt like drawing it. Maybe because there isn't much that makes me feel as alive as wind does, and how better for someone with my limited drawing skills to portray wind that with a kite? But I guess that's me reading meaning into it after the fact.

As I've said before, this particular journal is a work in progress. I'll probably add some color behind the letter, and actually fill in the sky with blue at some point.

sleepy bee

On a slightly more cheerful subject, here's a sleepy bee. I found her when I was smelling some flowering mint, and she almost made close acquaintance with my face. (That wasn't the first time I've had a close call, and likely won't be the last.) She looked dead, since she was just sitting on a leaf under the flowers and wasn't moving, but I recently found out that some bees actually sleep on plants. In any case I didn't disturb her, and when I checked back later there wasn't any trace of her. So I'm going to guess that she was asleep.

Writing in Class

One of my classes started this week. The first things my professor did was have us write a bit on a few different subjects, and we shared our writings with the class as part of our introductions. I thought I may as well share what I wrote here, more or less as I wrote it, with only minor editing because a few things came out really awkwardly.

Also, a note...right before class, I had been chatting with someone I had some classes with a few years back and have kept in touch with on Facebook. After same sex marriage was legalized nationwide recently, I responded to a post of hers on Facebook about how she feels that no matter what, either gays or Christians will face discrimination. I also said that I normally wouldn't comment on something like that on Facebook, but that her stance has me baffled since she's one of the sweetest people I know. To this, she suggested that we get together over coffee to talk, and we agreed to meet on campus before my class would start. Our conversation, and the curiosity on both sides of it, was fresh in my mind when the professor gave us our first subject to write on.

... ... ...

Current social problem or concern: Considering the conversation that I just came from, the subject of willingness to listen to other people comes to mind. I was just talking to someone about her Christian beliefs versus queer rights, and how both can live alongside each other. She talked about “compromise,” but I don’t see how “compromise” is needed since I don’t see how her own rights are being infringed. Maybe I need to learn to listen better? But maybe she just means that she wishes she could express her own feelings without people coming down hard on her for them. Both of us walked away from the conversation being glad that we could just talk, and she was asking me about my Pagan beliefs. So, problems: 1) That some feel queer rights and Christian freedoms don’t coexist well. Is there a solution that makes everyone happy without anyone feeling like they’re compromised? 2) Willingness to listen to others when you disagree with them, this doesn’t happen enough. The second seems to be a human nature problem, and is a conversation well worth having throughout all human history. The first is a problem particular to here and now, at this time in history and in this place, though others have had this conversation (and others will again) in other countries.

Writer I admire, type of literature/genre I’m drawn to: Jim Butcher, Tamora Pierce, Ursula K. Le Guin. Writing that gets into what makes us tick, is very serious in that way, but manages to also have a sense of humor about it. I love fantasy/science fiction in particular, but I think in other genres I particularly love the books that fit the above description.

Greatest fear, one of them: Being alone, with no one to help me. This may be what drives my agoraphobia, since it frightens me that anxiety might take hold of me when I’m out and about, feeling dizzy and feeling distant from the world, but not have anyone to hold on to to anchor myself, someone who is my “lifeboat” or my safety net, I suppose.

Fan Mail to QC

I e-mailed the creator of my favorite online comic, Questionable Content, and thought it might be worth sharing what I wrote to him here.

It may be fair to say that I'm a tad bit obsessed with this comic. I have three of the books, signed. I have a Winslow plushie, and I want Pintsize and Yelling Bird plushies as well. Because, well...I'm obsessed. Also, I can't have Winslow without also having Pintsize. The universe isn't supposed to work like that.

.... ... ...

Jeph,

For years I have dealt with an anxiety disorder and depression, and last summer the anxiety in particular came down hard on me. For the first time in my life I had panic attacks, though I don't remember many specifics of what it was like. I can say that it was the most difficult time of my life as I was waiting for a new medication to kick in which I hoped would help (fortunately it did).

There were a few things that gave me something to hang on to while I was waiting to get better, and QC was one of them. It didn't only give me something else to focus on, I actually realized I could relate to Hanners in some unexpected ways that were comforting. In particular, I was able to laugh at myself when I caught myself worrying about not worrying one night, since I could remember Hanners doing that. (It was in Number 801: Like A Fainting Goat.) Remembering that actually helped me calm down.

Even before QC helped me through anxiety, I was very delighted to have found an online comic that's so queer friendly. Being bisexual, it always makes me happy to find stories I love with characters who happen to be queer.

I just wanted to let you know how QC has helped me, and to thank you for making it.

Sarita

Agoraphobia

You might think that, given my weekend adventures to Astoria for the Goonies festival, I'm perfectly comfortable getting out and about. And if I'm with a friend, I pretty much am, even if I find myself anxious about it ahead of time. Sure, I may also have moments of "Hey, I'm so far away from home. Um..." But I just remind myself of who I'm with, and it passes.

Getting out and about by myself, though, is a different story.

I normally keep it to myself, because that's just how I am mostly. But I guess I need to talk about it more, particularly to Murray. We joke that he's a bad influence because of things like him exposing me to beer, but he's also a good influence in many ways. He's particularly good to have around when I need to talk about my anxieties.

Last evening I told him that I didn't want to go to a song circle I'd been looking forward to, and that I wasn't sure if I simply wasn't in the mood or if it was agoraphobia. If the first, staying home was fine. If the latter, I needed to go. He told me to go, and I decided to listen to him. I'm glad I did, because once I got there I enjoyed myself. And, I need music, it's something that's been missing in my life far too long. (If musical teenage me could see me now she'd be shocked into silence.)

Guitar

Then today, I told Murray that I was too nervous about walking to a salon place just blocks away to get my eyebrows waxed. Yes, my anxieties prevent me from walking just a few blocks from where I live. (Don't ask how I'll manage getting myself to school this summer term, I don't know.) But again, with his encouragement, I walked to the salon.

I guess I just need him, or someone else, to tell me to go do something to get past the agoraphobia. It still isn't easy, and can leave me feeling shaky, but I can do it. Or at least, I could in these two cases.

As to what I'm afraid of that makes it difficult for me to go out alone...that's difficult to explain, especially when I try to deny it even to myself. I may be able to write about at another time, but not today.

Whatever it is that I'm afraid of, I'm glad that I finally know that something (or rather, someone) can help me face it.

Sleep and Anxieties

I've been pleased with the progress I was making regarding anxiety and depression. I've been so pleased with it in fact, I didn't want to admit that I'm now backtracking.

Things had started to really look good on the first day of spring term. And no, that had nothing to do with going to school. I think it actually had to do with removing one stressor from my life temporarily, by way of taking a term off from attending classes. I didn't like making that decision, but it seemed necessary because depression really messed up school for me during winter term.

One of the first things I noticed when spring term started was that my sleep schedule got back to normal. I could easily sleep through the night and get myself out of bed in the morning, even when left to my own devices. But now, it's gotten to where I can't seem to sleep at night, and I just naturally wake up in the late afternoon.

And I find myself asking, why is this? I want to sleep at night. When I hear the birds starting to sing before I can even see predawn in the sky, I find myself reflecting that I've missed the luxury of being able to sleep at night. Yes, the luxury of sleeping at night. I want it. So why can't I manage it? I suppose I don't know for certain, but I've got a guess at what a large part of it is.

To paraphrase someone who I really do not like in Game of Thrones: the night is dark and full of scary shit. (Sorry, I like my version better than hers.) It's a time of darkness, where scary things can hide, when it's safer to keep your eyes open if you don't know what's out there. And rationally I know it's perfectly safe in my bed...but tell that to my anxieties. There's a reason I've always slept with a flashlight on my nightstand, though my sleep schedule hasn't gotten this messed up until the last year. I think some part of my problem is that subconsciously I feel day is a safe time, and night is a time to be watchful.

So the next question, of course, is...what do I plan to do about this?

For starters, I'm going to let myself stay up tonight as I'm naturally inclined to do, but then not go to bed until tomorrow night. That will really not be pleasant, but I hope it'll help to get me back on track.

And of course, I also have to figure out this whole anxiety and depression thing.

This got old some time ago. Can it just friggin' go away? Please?

Lighthouse and Sunset

And now, a lighthouse. Because they're more fun than the contents of this post.

Sleepy Times

The page in question

"I've realized that I've come to regard sleep in the same way that I sometimes view eating: 'Didn't I just do this recently? Do I really have to do it again so soon? There are so many better ways to use my time.' Obviously, this isn't a healthy relationship. So now the question... how do I fix this?"

The above is from my journal/sketchbook, and over the words I drew a moon and stars.

I've struggled with sleep for much of the last year, and it hasn't been the usual insomnia that I sometimes deal with. This time it seems to have been a matter of my circadian rhythm switching to nocturnal, so that it was pretty much impossible for me to get to sleep at anything approaching a reasonable time no matter what my plans for the next day were. Therapy appointment in the morning? I'd go in on a few hours of sleep, if I was lucky. Date day with my boyfriend? I'd fall asleep on him. Class in the afternoon? I'd at least have a bit more sleep for that, thankfully. And when the anxiety was bad I wouldn't even have caffeine to help me stay awake, since anxiety and stimulants are an unpleasant combination.

There have been times of my sleep schedule being pretty normal. But that's not a matter of me using self discipline, it's a matter of my circadian rhythm conveniently resetting itself. It's not something I seem to have control over, which I try not to think about. Currently it's what I want it to be...or so I pretend to myself. In the past week I've been edging towards staying up later again, and waking up in the afternoon. I tell myself I can easily fix it, if I really want to. That's what I tell myself.

A number of things have been contributing to this, I think. Of course there are the anxiety and depression. When I've got anxiety it can be easier to sleep during the day, since the light is comforting and scary things can hide in the dark. Not that I was always aware of this being a reason...it took some thinking to realize it. And with both anxiety and depression it can be unpleasant to be alone with myself, which is pretty unavoidable when I'm sleeping or falling asleep.

Then there's the feeling that I haven't done enough in the day, and that if I stay up just a little longer I can actually do something productive. Or, that sleep is just a nuisance that gets in the way of actually doing things...but would I do anything? No, other than probably spend more time online to keep me out of my head. Hey, it's been dark and scary in there, often enough. Why would I want to be alone with myself?

And for all I know, there could be other things contributing to my sleep problems that I haven't yet identified.

That said, I am better than I was a couple months ago. I just hope that I keep improving, both where my sleep is concerned and in my overall mood.

Fun Times

In writing about the oceanography class recently I remembered a fun craft project we did to illustrate how one can measure the angle of a star, the sun...or anything, for that matter. It's as simple as making a protractor, labeling the degrees, hanging a string with a weight on it, looking along the 90° angle...and then looking at where the string has fallen.

The first time I made one of these was at a Girl Scout day camp, I believe it was part of the Lewis and Clark.

The Girl Scout one

The one I made in school looks a little different. It was made from a paper plate rather than a printout with the degrees already printed on it, as the Girl Scout one was.

The one from school

...and I realize now that in this and the last few posts I've been aiming for a more light hearted note than what's really going on in my head. As of writing this (April 8th...I've scheduled a couple other posts I've written to go up first) I'm doing much better than I have in a while, but it's still a struggle to do something as simple as walk up to the store by myself to get something. Still, at least I'm managing that these days. I guess it's just easier to write about good times than about what I'm dealing with now, and I'm not sure how to strike the right balance between honesty and managing to not make my blog a depressing read.

Window Garden

On Tuesday I walked to a grocery store to see if they might have any plants that I'd want for my window herb garden. I found a lovely mint plant, and when I walked there again today I came away with rosemary and sweet marjoram plants.

This might sound like nothing, just something that anyone could do without thinking twice about it. But due to my fear of going out and about by myself, and sometimes even of going out when I've got someone with me (agoraphobia..fun), this was actually something of a victory for me. I've also found that a breathing exercise can help me when I'm out and about: breathe in for two steps, hold the breath for two steps, breath out for two steps, hold that for two steps, breath in again for two steps...and so on.

I'm still not exactly doing great, but I don't know when I was last doing this well. And it's strange, but it sometimes takes some improvement for me to realize exactly how bad off I've been.

But on to the window garden! It's what I really wanted to share, along with a few other plants, but I found that I also wanted to note a bit of the progress I'm making.

Herbs and cat

I'm not sure if I was more photographing Kokopelle or the plants. Either way, we've got both. Plus a lovely Gallifrey poster that's at the foot of my bed.

The herbs here are peppermint, sweet marjoram (that's a new one to me but I love the smell), rosemary, and aloe vera. Fun fact: I know how to spell aloe vera, but can never remember how to actually say the darned name. I'm not sure how many times I've had to ask the correct pronunciation. It's one of a few words I have that trouble with.

Ditto

Again, herbs and kitty. This time you can also see the lemon balm on the left. I couldn't find that one at the store, but there's a lot of it in the backyard so I found a bit of it to bring inside. Its smell reminds me of Camp Mountaindale, where I spent a week of day camp every summer for years. I have happy memories of that place.

But now, getting away from herbs, though still to do with green growing things...

Scifi madness

I also got some air plants that hang upside down from shells. They either look like jellyfish or like some madness out of a scifi story...or maybe even like they belong in a horror story. Whichever way, I figured they'd go well paired with the exploding TARDIS poster that's over my computer.

Also, the hand knit octopus...that was part of a care package someone put together for me last summer when the anxiety really hit me hard. My chair was supposed to be a temporary place for Mr. Octopus, but he's so happy there that it seems to have become his permanent home. 

Moss! ...and fairy statue

Then there's a bit of watery moss. It's happy in water, and floats or sinks depending on its mood. I figured it might look nice on my desk. I think I like it because it's odd, and I may just like having odd things around. This may also explain why I got the mad jellyfish previously mentioned.

A Post of Various Topics

First of all, it wouldn't feel quite right to write a post today without acknowledging that it's Transgender Day of Visibility. I don't feel knowledgeable enough to write much more than that, but I did want to mention it.

And on another queer issue...

This is the last day in Bi Health Awareness Month, with this year's focus on mental health. I'd meant to write about that earlier, but...I guess it's a bit too close to home? I don't know why I haven't written about it, really. I haven't even read up on it as much as I've wanted to. But I did write about it a bit in the diary/sketchbook I started recently, and wanted to share:

"Rates of depression are high among queers, and for a while I dismissed that [in relation to me]. But now I wonder if denying that I'm bi for so long took a toll on me. I certainly know that encountering ignorant opinions of bisexuality can have hurt me enough to make me wish I were monosexual. It still hurts, even though at heart I'm happy to be bi.

"I like being bi because it means I was born into a community, it gives me a place I belong. But that's not all of it..."

Pages from the journal

I'm certainly not saying that I think I'm depressed because I'm bi, or that being in the closet for so long is solely responsible for putting me where I am now. But I suspect that attitudes towards bisexuals (one of which I once had..."it's not real!"), having been closeted to myself, and perhaps a natural inclination towards depression/anxiety on my part all play with each other in my head with unpleasant results. So I've been mulling it over, and thought that it worth sharing, particularly given the month.

This page in my journal is currently unfinished. I'll wind up drawing something pretty over what I've written, as I've done on many other pages. The whole journal is a work in progress, which much backtracking. I also didn't finish my thought on why I like being bi because I ran out of space, but really I'm not sure what else to say aside from that having a community is comforting, though I do know there's more to it than that. I might write more on that later in my journal, or I might not. Depends on whether I feel the need.

Oh yes, and the second page you see...there's simply the text "I want green growing things in my bedroom" with a hanging garden drawn in. It recently occurred to me that having greenery in my bedroom might make me happier. So I've been thinking about how to make that happen, what plants would thrive in my window and elsewhere...that turns out to be a cheerful project. :) Though it did keep me up the other night/day/whatever (my sleep schedule has been super messed up) when my brain wouldn't let go of the subject even when I desperately needed to sleep. Darn hyperfocusing brain. lol At least it was focusing on something pleasant this time.

Birthday

I've been kind of torn on how to write about my birthday. I'd prefer to act like my life is great, but it really isn't. And I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm not improving with the anxiety and depression exactly as much as I'd been pretending that I was, even though I am learning healthier ways to think, as I've written about before.

So...mixed feelings. At the same time, birthday was great.

I was able to spend the day with Murray, and as my present he took me to a gun range where I got to shoot (well, with a gun that shoots a laser) in a simulator. My first shooting lesson was in the woods shooting at targets we'd brought, and as a second lesson this was pretty good. Apparently I'm a decent shot, too.

After that was delicious food, movies, and we may or may not have fallen asleep together on the futon in my parents' living room.

Dragon!

There was also pecan pie in place of cake, my family singing me happy birthday, and I got an awesome dragon wrapped around a sword from my parents. It's something to hang on the wall, though I haven't gotten around to putting it up. And although it didn't arrive in time for my birthday, Tall One ordered a Jayne's hat for me that I'm looking forward to wearing. I've been wanting one ever since I watched a particular episode in a certain TV show a few months back.

(If you don't know what a Jayne's hat is, watch Firefly.)

Then I finished up the day by staying up way too late with my Game of Thrones book that I can't believe I haven't read before now.

It's good that, even though I still don't know what to do about the anxiety/depression often, I can still have fun days.

Care Package

I recently came across the idea of The Coping Toolbox (though I'm more inclined to call it my Care Package), which is basically a collection of things that should help someone feel better when they're "feeling anxious, panicky, or distressed"...to quote the place where I found the idea. Even though I'm feeling better overall, I figured this might be something good to put together for myself.

Care Package

Last night I put together a list of things that would go in my care package, and after putting it together I wanted to share what I came up with.

Love note to myself (thinking about writing one feels weird but may be therapeutic)
Love poem from Murray (I remember he wrote one I liked a while back...need to find it...)
Chocolate
Cat toy (I used the one that I used to keep on my altar...what, doesn't everyone keep cat toys on their altar?)
List of exercises (since exercise can help depression/anxiety)
Favorite QC comics (like this one)
Small notepad
Pen
Coloring pencils
Bubbles
Sun charm (not sure if I have one...)
Essential oil(s) (peppermint!)
Small black cat eraser (because black cats are awesome and I happened to find it when looking around)
Nicely scented massage thingy that Murray gave me a while back
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin

...though, I may wind up moving that book out of my "box" and back onto my night stand. That'll give me easier access to it.

I feel a little strange making a care package for myself, but I know that having something like this may have helped me in the past. That being the case, I figure that I may as well make it now. And since I still have ups and downs, it could be useful. Though I'm not sure how long the chocolate will last.

Not everything that's on the above list is in my care package, and not everything that found its way into the package was on my original list. I guess you could call it a work in progress. Who knows, I may eventually move it into an actual box instead of using the Victoria's Secret bag that happened to be handily available.

Reflections and Discoveries

This post will be me sharing some of my progress and reflections by sharing snippets from my diary (with editing) in the past few months. I'm saying that now so that you can skip this post if you'd rather stick to my more cheerful and amusing posts.

Yes it's pretty personal subject, but there are aspects I can talk about. And since I've been in the habit of keeping things to myself, if there are areas that I am comfortable writing about I figure I may as well do that. And I don't think that I can describe some of my reflections better than I have at times in my diaries, plus reading them is the easiest way to take a look at my progress.

December 11th, 2014 Thursday 1:12am

I've realized that, in a way, I don't remember just how bad my anxiety was last summer. I know how bad it was, but...I guess in a way it isn't real, or I almost want to say that it's like it happened to someone else. Even though I'm still recovering. Even though I remember a few of the panic attacks, I know that for a while I always had adrenaline going for some hours after waking up. I know I had to force myself to take Celexa. I know I spent much of the time terrified and telling myself to calm down. Heck, I even avoided caffeine, since the last thing I needed was a stimulant. I know I was so scared to be alone for a while, that I turned to Facebook and the internet to avoid being totally alone. (I think I still use them for that, and it may be why I have trouble going to bed now.) I know I clung to Murray like I didn't want to let go, even though I was just going from the kitchen to the bathroom. And I didn't want to let go, even though we'd still be in the same apartment.

I know, and remember the events, but don't remember the emotions well, though I know what they were if I think about it. Probably a good thing, though. I can't actually remember how often I had the panic attacks, though.

(Note that the next entry contains a spoiler for character development in the TV show Babylon 5. Just thought I'd mention it.)

December 25th, 2014 Thursday 4:37am
Christmas

It's amazing how one can find oneself in stories.

An example is in Babylon 5. Doctor Franklin defines himself by what he isn't, and he can easily list the things he's not. But he can't say what he is, and has to put a lot of effort into running from that.

I can easily say what I'm not, but I can't say what I am. In terms of my good qualities.

Franklin uses stims to hide. What do I use?

Then there is The Left Hand of Darkness. 

"To oppose something is to maintain it. ... You must go somewhere else; you must have another goal; then you walk a different road." 

If I want to be a different sort of person, a person who doesn't judge herself harshly and doesn't often feel like a failure, I need a different goal. But what?

What I used to hide: I hid from my emotions by thinking too much about them.

How I can walk a different road: allow myself to feel. Yes I keep going on about this, but I still find it a pretty amazing discovery.

Sun

I may get into the habit of sharing sunny photos simply because I like them.

Feeling and Talking

I've already written a bit about it being pointed out to me that my defense mechanism is intellectualizing. Basically, I try to think my way out of emotions, which isn't a good way to handle things. It's not the worst way to deal with problems, but it certainly isn't the best either. I decided that the best way to handle this is to not read up on intellectualizing so that I could think about how to handle it (that this was my first instinct probably proves that it's a real problem), but to just let myself feel.

And...it's taken me to some surprising and unexpected places.

For one thing, I understand my emotions better now. Before I tried just letting myself feel, I would have found this to be really counter intuitive. It still feels strange, but good. Also, now that I actually acknowledge my emotions, I can respond to them, or handle them, better.

The next step, I think, is to not judge myself for my emotions. No, I'm not a bad person for feeling depressed or having anxiety, and I need to get out of the habit of just telling myself to shrug it off when something hurts me. If I feel like crying, I should let myself cry rather than saying "Oh come on it's just PMS now knock it off." And if an emotion feels uncomfortable, the solution isn't to think it away, that doesn't work. The best response is just to accept the emotion.

So...yeah. Me and my emotions. Shouldn't they be simpler than this?

Another thing I've been working on is learning to communicate. I'm not sure if being more open is due in part to me understanding my emotions somewhat better, or to my therapist pointing out that my speech disorder could have left some trauma.

Short version of the speech disorder story: it was virtually impossible to understand me when I was little, I couldn't even say my own name correctly in my early teens because of that pesky "r" in it, and it's only in the past few years that people stopped thinking that I'm from some other country when I open my mouth. Imagine if people in your hometown often ask if you're from another continent.

I'm starting to open up about things I've kept to myself, and...it's amazing. It's not always easy, I'm running up against the fact that it frequently doesn't even occur to me to share thing, say things, or ask things...even when they're on my mind. But I'm making progress there, and it feels good. Perhaps the best part of that is feeling closer to my boyfriend, now that I'm finally sharing things that I've kept to myself during the past...roughly three and a half years of our relationship. Like, you know, the anxiety disorder that I kept to myself for almost three years.

So, yeah. I'm finally getting on talking terms with my emotions, and I'm beginning to learn how to talk. Which feels good, even though I'm still struggling with anxiety and depression.

Painted sun

I decided to edit this post to add a sun since it reminds me that there's always a new day with a new start. And, it's just something happy.