Dear Depression:

 Dear Depression,

I've said before that you feel like an old friend. In any case, you are someone who I've gotten to know fairly well, and whose presence I am used to. I expect that I will be familiar with you throughout my life, but I need you to not lean so heavily on me. Your presence I can accept, but I will do my best to fight you if you drag me down. So please, loosen your grip. Make this easy for us.

-Sarita

journal pages

The above is an excerpt from my journal/sketchbook. Oddly enough, writing a note to depression helped me, at least briefly. And yes, I have found myself wanting to describe depression as an old friend before, which is strange considering how painful it is. But I'm also used to it.

On the opposite page is a simple drawing of a person in the far distance flying a kite, which we see up close. (Though I suppose you could see a tiny figure and a giant kite, if you want to.) Not sure if it has any meaning, I kind of just felt like drawing it. Maybe because there isn't much that makes me feel as alive as wind does, and how better for someone with my limited drawing skills to portray wind that with a kite? But I guess that's me reading meaning into it after the fact.

As I've said before, this particular journal is a work in progress. I'll probably add some color behind the letter, and actually fill in the sky with blue at some point.

sleepy bee

On a slightly more cheerful subject, here's a sleepy bee. I found her when I was smelling some flowering mint, and she almost made close acquaintance with my face. (That wasn't the first time I've had a close call, and likely won't be the last.) She looked dead, since she was just sitting on a leaf under the flowers and wasn't moving, but I recently found out that some bees actually sleep on plants. In any case I didn't disturb her, and when I checked back later there wasn't any trace of her. So I'm going to guess that she was asleep.

Weird but Sweet Kora

When one has pets, odd things can happen. Sometimes these things can be worrisome, sometimes they wind up being just plain perplexing. And sometimes the first turns into the latter.

At first I thought it was just cute when Kora was sniffing my fingers with her eyes closed, but I raised my eyebrows when I noticed that only one of her eyes was shut. Taking a closer look at her that one eye seemed to be stuck shut, which I thought might be a bad sign. It was the middle of the night so I decided to call the vet if it persisted until the next morning, but in the meantime I did what anyone would likely do when they have questions: I asked the Google.

According to my (very brief and limited) research, rats are unable to intentionally keep only one eye closed. That wasn't exactly reassuring. But then I also found that wiping the problem eye with a damp washcloth might removing any gunk that's holding it shut, so I decided to take the Google's advice and hope that it would help little Kora.

I got a paper towel, moistened it with a bit of warm water, and picked Kora up to see if she would let me gently wipe at her eye. (That wouldn't have been a simple feat. Do you know how squirmy rats are?) I didn't actually get to try this trick out though, because she opened the problem eye as she tried to seize the paper towel from my fingers.

So...I guess it worked? In a way? I guess all I needed to do was put something interesting near Kora's face so that she would force both eyes wide open to get a close look at what she wanted to clamp her teeth down on?

In any event, she's fine now, and yes I did give her the prize once I got over my initial "Huh??" And now I know what to do if this ever happens again.

Rats, they're weird but sweet.

Odds and Ends

Happy Fourth of July! :)

I've been a bit stressed (ok, a lot stressed, but not at my worst) from starting back to school after taking a term off. And it's not that I don't know what to write about here, I guess I haven't been sure how to write...if that makes sense? But I've also started taking more photographs, so I think I'll just share a few of those I've taken recently and go from there.

Rat

From the head I think this is Kora, but I can't be certain. My pet rats are cute though when they look out from under the blankets when I've got them out for playtime.

Mint

My mint plants may be trying to take over...here we've got chocolate mint, peppermint, lemon balm, and a tiny sunflower that hasn't bloomed yet. They're all clustered around my dragon lamp, and are apparently trying to take over.

And yes, I like dragons. What tipped you off? The three dragons you can see in this photo?

Mother Mary

One of the first things I noticed about Marylhurst, and which I still love, are the statues. This one is of Mother Mary (or the Virgin Mary, as most call her) and you can sometimes find offerings of flowers placed either at her feet or draped over her hands. It's a relaxing spot on campus, and it's amazing how isolated and quiet it feels even though it's placed between a busy highway and the rest of the campus.

Seedling

For whatever reason I wanted to get a photo of this seedling. Based on those trees around it, my guess is that it's a Douglas fir. The photo looks like it should be a hopeful one, since it's showing new life, but then I remember that this tiny tree will be pulled up soon because it's growing in a place that is reserved for people to walk. Seems like there should be a moral there, but I don't know what it is.

Venus and Jupiter

During a sunset earlier this week I was startled to see two bright lights side by side in the sky. After speculating that one might be an airplane heading in my direction, since I didn't think both could be actual sky stuff, I consulted a star chart on my phone. I was rather amazed to realize that I was seeing two planets side by side. I don't know how often this kind of thing happens.

Goodies box!

Earlier this week I ordered roving, a niddy noddy, and a spinning wheel repair kit. For some reason I was surprised to also get samples of roving, though I don't know why because this store has done that before when I ordered from them. This is the start of my reopening Dragonfly's Laughter, this time as a yarn shop. More details to come as I reopen, and I'm rather excited about it.

Rattie Revolution

Perhaps it was inevitable. One night I had my rats out for playtime, and was gazing at my hanging herb garden. Then I thought...maybe my rats would like them.

A bit of research about rat friendly herbs and trip to get some plants and planting stuff resulted in fun times for my girls. Or for Kora, in particular. Niki likes the plants, and the dirt, but it's Kora who really gets excited and starts digging around.



And then of course, I just had to find aphids and a caterpillar on the lemon balm today...the latter is easy enough to take outside, but I'm not sure how to handle the aphids when it's something I want to eventually give back to the rats again.

Hungry caterpillar

There is something that surprised me, though. Other than the unexpected guests mentioned above. One day when I let Kora at the plants particularly long (the plants aren't in the cage 24/7, I'm not sure they'd survive that much love) I noticed that she kept taking things to her food bowl. Upon investigation, I found it was small rocks she'd dug up in the dirt that she was moving to the bowl.

I'm not sure what was going on with that. Maybe she was moving play toys to the food bowl, like I've seen cats do. Or maybe she thought they'd be good ammunition for the Rat Revolution. A while ago Niki threw food at me, so maybe Kora thought that rocks might be better for throwing.

Well, if the Rat Revolution comes to pass, I think you'll know who to blame for letting them find tiny rocks.

Fur Babies

I couldn't resist sharing some photos.

Josie was on my bed, and when I lay down next to her we were snuggled up pretty close together. Then as I was fiddling with my phone, Kokopelle decided that he wanted in on the cuddles. And not only did he lay down on top of me, he also got on top of Josie.

Sweet kitten and puppy

Gotta love them.

Ditto

It was difficult to get a good photo, but you can see that he's lying across her rear end. And she just lay there allowing it. I was pretty amazed.

He has also claimed my desk

After some time of my desk (and bedroom...) being really messy I finally did some cleaning. This has resulted in Kokopelle finding my desk a very comfortable place to hang out now, despite there being a perfectly good cat tree next to it. A cat tree which, as it happens, he's sitting on as I write this.

So, yeah, just wanted to share some photos.

Herbs!

So...I may be a little bit overexcited about having herb plants in my bedroom. I should have done this ages ago.

Life finds a way...

Much to my surprise, the lemon balm that I got from the backyard managed to find an air pocket inside the jar I planted in for its roots to start growing leaves. That plant is determined to grow in any way and in any place possible. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised since it's related to mint, and that will also take over given half a chance (which I discovered by accident a few years ago). Maybe it'll sound odd when I say I admire plants, but I do admire those that have a knack for surviving...even though some of them are called weeds.

Mint with opinions...

The first time I tried watering my peppermint plant was a bit...messy. I guess the dirt wasn't keen on soaking up the water.

Neither the mint or the lemon balm hang out on my desk regularly. The first was just easier to photograph on my desk, and I set the mint on my desk when it was creating watery problems for me.

Thirsty Kokopelle

I set down my watering pitcher (ok, a cup measure, but whatever...) and Kokopelle decided that it looked like a good water bowl. I decided not to argue.

Sunflowers!

I've generally been more enthusiastic about herbs than about flowers, but when I happened across a cheap kit for growing sunflowers I couldn't resist. They're growing rather nicely so far...and will probably need to be moved into a larger pot at some point, though they're supposed to be small so I don't know how what size pot will be needed...basically, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. But they're doing fine so far, so I guess I'm doing well with them so far.

Time for thyme!

...no, I'm not the slightest bit sorry for that pun. I know it's bad and I doubt I'm the first to make it, but I can find no room for remorse in myself.

It's winter/English thyme, and as I understand it it's one that doesn't need direct sunlight to do well. It seems happy enough so far. :)

And yes, I do like dragons. Did you guess that from my dragon lamp that the thyme is sitting next to? And yes, that's also Dracula in the background. My boyfriend won it because he's a horror geek and then gave it to me.

Oregano!

Greek oregano, hanging out on my bookshelf. Another one that seems to be happy in the shade. At least, it's thriving so far.

There are also Cerridwen and Brighid dolls made by Dancing Goddess Dolls. I adore both of them, and having them plus the oregano next to my religious/spiritual section of my bookshelf seems to cheer things up.

Conversations with Josie

"It's only the mailman, hush up."

"Ok, that's the USP guy."

"I've really no idea what you're barking at this time..."

"It's only me! Stop barking!"

"Yes, it's the scary mailman. He's terrifying and horrible, but you've scared him off. Thank you, you've kept us safe."

"Yes, I hear the sirens, there's no need to howl..."

"Fine, your howling is cute."

"Are you barking at a squirrel? You're barking at a squirrel."

"I know other dogs are barking, but there's no need for you to join in."

"Oh my gosh you're so cute! Yes you are, yes you are!"

Josie likes to bark. A lot. Talking to her can sometimes calm her down though, which is why I discuss her barking habits so often with her. On the up side, at least her howls are cute.

Josie

She has this bit of fur on the top of her head that can be turned into a mohawk of sorts, it's kind of fun to play with on occasion. And dangit, my bed just had to be unmade when I took this photo...oh well.

Window Garden

On Tuesday I walked to a grocery store to see if they might have any plants that I'd want for my window herb garden. I found a lovely mint plant, and when I walked there again today I came away with rosemary and sweet marjoram plants.

This might sound like nothing, just something that anyone could do without thinking twice about it. But due to my fear of going out and about by myself, and sometimes even of going out when I've got someone with me (agoraphobia..fun), this was actually something of a victory for me. I've also found that a breathing exercise can help me when I'm out and about: breathe in for two steps, hold the breath for two steps, breath out for two steps, hold that for two steps, breath in again for two steps...and so on.

I'm still not exactly doing great, but I don't know when I was last doing this well. And it's strange, but it sometimes takes some improvement for me to realize exactly how bad off I've been.

But on to the window garden! It's what I really wanted to share, along with a few other plants, but I found that I also wanted to note a bit of the progress I'm making.

Herbs and cat

I'm not sure if I was more photographing Kokopelle or the plants. Either way, we've got both. Plus a lovely Gallifrey poster that's at the foot of my bed.

The herbs here are peppermint, sweet marjoram (that's a new one to me but I love the smell), rosemary, and aloe vera. Fun fact: I know how to spell aloe vera, but can never remember how to actually say the darned name. I'm not sure how many times I've had to ask the correct pronunciation. It's one of a few words I have that trouble with.

Ditto

Again, herbs and kitty. This time you can also see the lemon balm on the left. I couldn't find that one at the store, but there's a lot of it in the backyard so I found a bit of it to bring inside. Its smell reminds me of Camp Mountaindale, where I spent a week of day camp every summer for years. I have happy memories of that place.

But now, getting away from herbs, though still to do with green growing things...

Scifi madness

I also got some air plants that hang upside down from shells. They either look like jellyfish or like some madness out of a scifi story...or maybe even like they belong in a horror story. Whichever way, I figured they'd go well paired with the exploding TARDIS poster that's over my computer.

Also, the hand knit octopus...that was part of a care package someone put together for me last summer when the anxiety really hit me hard. My chair was supposed to be a temporary place for Mr. Octopus, but he's so happy there that it seems to have become his permanent home. 

Moss! ...and fairy statue

Then there's a bit of watery moss. It's happy in water, and floats or sinks depending on its mood. I figured it might look nice on my desk. I think I like it because it's odd, and I may just like having odd things around. This may also explain why I got the mad jellyfish previously mentioned.

They Otter Come Up For Air

As a spur of the moment decision I went to the zoo a couple days ago with my boyfriend, and we found that love was in the air. Or something was in the air, causing some of the animals to be somewhat feisty...

Otter sex

Yes, I took photos. Because how often do you get to photograph otters putting on a porn show?

While I was trying (and failing) to get a good photo, Murray was busy laughing over something else. There were kids present because, well, the zoo is a great place to take kids. I don't think some parents were prepared to explain frisky otters to their children though, and things were getting a bit awkward for one family. One boy was apparently mildly traumatized, and the parents didn't know what to do.

I guess I can understand the mildly traumatized bit...it looked like the otters were fighting. I actually thought one was dead at one point, until I saw movement again. One interesting thing is that, from what little I know of otter mating habits, the male usually bites the female on the nose. Here, though, he was biting her on the scruff of the neck.

(By the way, I've got to give Murray credit for the title of this post. If he didn't suggest this precisely, he suggested something pretty close. He also commented that the otters gave a new meaning to "coming up for air.")

Elephant dong

Yes, I also photographed an obviously horny male elephant. My reasoning was pretty much the same as the other photo: how often does someone get to photograph an erect elephant penis?

This must have been Sam, I remember him being born in the zoo's elephant breeding program a few years back. Or I thought it was only a few years ago...I was surprised to see him this mature, but he's too small to be their other bull elephant, so it must be Sam.

He'd been separated from the other elephants, and the poor guy looked lonely. I'm guessing that him breeding with his mom or aunts isn't part of the breeding program, though, which required removing him from the herd for a bit. Poor guy.

Condor feeding time

Don't worry, I'm past the sex crazed and blue balled animals now. 

Condor exhibit

The condor exhibit is new, though these birds been on site for a while as part of a breeding program. (Ok, I was mostly past the sex crazed animals.) I was really excited since I've been wanting to see them for a while. Birds with such huge wing spans are pretty amazing to me. And speaking of huge wing spans...

Wings extended

Maybe this one was just showing off? On the ground, wings extended, walking. Not sure what that was about, but it gave me a good shot of the open wings.

And yes, that is an animal carcass on the ground, I think it was half of a deer though I'm not entirely sure of that. As I said before, it was feeding time. There were actually warning signs up, but it was far enough from where we could observe that I don't think it was any more disgusting than seeing meat for sale in a grocery store. Then again, I guess not everyone takes that view.

Pretty

I'm not sure just what kind of reptile this was, but he (she?) was pretty, and shedding. I find the combination of orange, yellow, and green to be lovely.

Oopsie photo...

On the left you can see my hilarious fail where I tried to photograph the reptile as a panorama. On the right is where I decided to do the sensible thing of standing back to get a photo, and then cropping the sides.

Cheetah

I love cats, and the big cats are my favorite part of the zoo. Well, not just the big cats. The smaller ones, like the bobcats and the caracal, are just as awesome.

But the cheetahs...they have got to be the most beautiful cats I've ever seen. Just...wow.

Leopard

I also got a rare photo of the leopard sleeping out in plain view. How often does that happen? Not very often.

Mr. Bird in our way

As we got to the exit of the bird room, one decided to block our way by standing on one of the moving parts of the door. Murray tried to entice Mr. Bird down, which is how I got a photo of his hand.

Orangutan

I'm pretty sure that every time I see an orangutan for the rest of my life I'll exclaim "It's the Librarian!" If you know what I'm talking about, you've read Discworld books by Terry Pratchett. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to read some of them.

Fun fact: on a previous visit to the zoo I told Murray "Someday I'm going to get a librarian and name him the Orangutan! Wait, I meant..."

Rat Cages

I'm too exhausted mentally to think of anything really meaningful to write about, so I'll just share a few photos of the new cage I got my rats. Well, "new" as in I got it in early December.

Why am I so exhausted? I spent a lot of the day just writing down my emotions so that I can see them. I express myself better with the written word than with talking, it's nice to see things written down in front of me, and so far I've got 4,090 words on various subjects...but all of those words are on problems need to either solve or emotions come to terms with. I hadn't anticipated how emotionally exhausting it would be to go through that. And it's still surprising to me how exhausting it is to let myself feel and experience emotions rather than try to talk to myself about them, and even trying to think myself out of them...which I'd been in the habit of doing. Meh. I need chocolate...

Yes, I'm talking about emotions without telling you exactly what they are. Let's just say they're related to anxiety/depression, and the cause or possibly results thereof.

On to rat cage photos!

The box, unopened

I think I'll just share what I wrote about this on Facebook when I shared the photo...

I started opening it, and mom asked if some assembly is require.

No. A new cage that's taller than me is fully assembled in this box. How? Time Lord technology. It's bigger on the inside.

Now I just need to figure out how to put it together.

Old cage vs. new cage

Here are the old and new cages side by side. Yes, the new one is giant by comparison, and taller than me.

Why did I get such a bigger cage? The old one was showing its age, I thought it was time to get a new one, and I couldn't buy a decent cage without either downsizing or getting this one. And since I refused to downsize the rats' home, this seemed my best bet. I don't think the girls are complaining, though.

Blocking off the halves...

There's a top half and a bottom half, and conveniently enough there's a ramp between the two that can be raised to let me lock Kora and Aniki in one half of the cage while I clean the other half. You can see this in the above photo.

They've got hammocks

So, yeah, I had fun taking a few photos halfway through cleaning the cage one time.

And there's a hideout whose sides are puzzle pieces...kind of

Oddly enough I don't have any photos that takes in the whole cage other than the one above from before I made it habitable. Maybe I should fix that soon...

If you have small pets, do you get excitable about their cages?

Josie's Generous Offer

Josie still needs some training. Ok, a lot of training. Turns out terriers can be difficult to train. One thing she's learning, sort of, is to not beg at the table.

Or, maybe she's just learning how to beg in a different and interesting way.

There's a sliding door to our dining room that wasn't used often before Josie came along, but lately it's been used frequently to keep her out of the way at dinner time. This evening was an exception, but even though Josie was underfoot she wasn't making much of a nuisance of herself. Or, not as much of a nuisance of herself, so far as I was concerned. Still, she did manage to surprise me.

After I explained to Josie that I wasn't going to give her any food (or any more food...she'd already gotten one scrap from me as the table was being set) she vanished from the dining room briefly. Then, what did she come back with? A new rawhide bone that she'd just gotten less than an hour before. And what did she do with that rawhide bone?

She put that rawhide bone next to my chair, and looked up at me with the most adorable eyes.

All I can conclude is that Josie was offering her bone in exchange for the yumminess that was on my plate.

It was a generous offer on her part, but I'm afraid I had to turn the bargain down.

Josie and a rat, I'm not sure which one

My rats were mildly traumatized by Josie at first. This was perhaps not helped by the fact that she started excitedly barking, loudly, when she first good a good look at them. Oh, yeah, it turns out that some terriers are ratters...

By now she's calmer, though still excited (she's pretty excitable in general) when she sees them, and they've relaxed enough to more or less go nose to nose with her through the wires of their cage.

Remembering Sabine

When we had to help Socks on his way a while back, and then I lost Beka the following day, I did posts with photos of them as a way to remember them. I wanted to do that when I lost Sabine on Samhain, but wasn't really in a good state of mind to do so. It's a bit late now, but I want to finally do that for her. So here are some photos, not strictly in chronological order, though I've kept the photos of her with Beka versus the younger two girls separate.

Sisters

This was from the day I brought home Sabine and her sister, Beka. Due to photo quality I'm not sure which is which.

I got them from a breeder who I met at a place sort of between our houses. Ok, we met in a gas station parking lot. Fortunately the employees there were familiar with her so they weren't trying to figure out what she was giving me. lol I assumed that she would bring them in a box that she would hand over, but since she didn't I brought them home in a bag. This is a photo I took of them in the bag while mom drove us home.

Sabine on left, Beka on the right

Maybe one of my favorite photos of them, and not just because it showcases my fine crafting skills by showing a fancy hammock I made them.

Piano!

I was playing around getting photos, and decided to introduce Sabine to the piano. You can just see her nose poking out of my sleeve. I'd say she wasn't impressed.

Grooming

 Here Sabine was getting groomed by her sister, Beka.

Munching

How does she look so cute while munching on a treat?

Climbing

Sabine was quite a climber. Here she's climbed my bath robe that's hanging on my wall, and she's pretty much at my eye level. So, five feet up. After snapping the photo I moved her to safety.

She was pretty good at climbing, but did fall on occasion. I'm pretty sure that's how she broke a rib, though I didn't realize she'd hurt herself until I could feel the bump where it had healed up. Once the vet told me what I was feeling under her skin, I finally understood why she'd didn't want me petting her for the previous month or so. Of course she didn't want me touching her much, her rib was broken!

Sisters

A sad photo, this was in the last few months of Beka's life. At this point Beka's mobility was pretty limited, and if I remember correctly Sabine would move food closer to where she was.

Lonely

Another sad photo, or sad to me, since I know it was taken after losing Beka but before getting the two girls I have now. Sabine was really alone. And yeah, she had me, but a human friend isn't the same as a rat companion.

Sabine, Niki, Kora

After I got the two girls I have now, I took all three of them to the vet. I brought Sabine in a different carrier, but she decided to hang out with the younger two once we got to the vet's office. Sabine's hiding in the back of the carrier here, while Kora is being adventurous. 

Sabine and the younger girls

All three of them hanging out together. Based on size I'll say that's Sabine on the right, and based on scruffiness/head shape I'll say that's Kora on the left.

Don't ask me why all four rats look so similar. I really did not plan this. Beka and Sabine were from the same litter, and I'd say it's a good bet that Niki and Kora were from the same litter, and I don't think it's surprising for sisters to look like each other. Then it's just coincidence that the first rats I found at the Human Society to bring home as company for Sabine looked like her.

Just hanging out

The three of them in a hammock. Sabine on the right, and I think that's Niki on the left.

Without going into lots of details here (I wrote other posts about it and don't feel like writing it all out again), I did have to separate Sabine from the younger girls for a while. She and Niki were butting heads since both are naturally dominant, and I worried that a fight would turn bad. Once age forced Sabine to slow down I was able to reunite them and things went well.

I detect bRATtiness...

Sabine spilled coffee on my desk, then started drinking it. So of course I let her while I took photos.

I named Sabine Curlywhiskers after two characters from the Beka Cooper books by Tamora Pierce. One was Sabine, a fierce lady knight who is best not crossed in a fight but also who makes the best of friends, and she can drink anyone under the table. The second Achoo Curlypaws, a scent hound who has the best nose you could ever hope to find. She knows she's a working dog, but she also knows how to relax and enjoy a cool autumn day when the breeze is kicking up fallen leaves.

I miss Sabine, but maybe she's playing with Beka now.