Sleep and Anxieties

I've been pleased with the progress I was making regarding anxiety and depression. I've been so pleased with it in fact, I didn't want to admit that I'm now backtracking.

Things had started to really look good on the first day of spring term. And no, that had nothing to do with going to school. I think it actually had to do with removing one stressor from my life temporarily, by way of taking a term off from attending classes. I didn't like making that decision, but it seemed necessary because depression really messed up school for me during winter term.

One of the first things I noticed when spring term started was that my sleep schedule got back to normal. I could easily sleep through the night and get myself out of bed in the morning, even when left to my own devices. But now, it's gotten to where I can't seem to sleep at night, and I just naturally wake up in the late afternoon.

And I find myself asking, why is this? I want to sleep at night. When I hear the birds starting to sing before I can even see predawn in the sky, I find myself reflecting that I've missed the luxury of being able to sleep at night. Yes, the luxury of sleeping at night. I want it. So why can't I manage it? I suppose I don't know for certain, but I've got a guess at what a large part of it is.

To paraphrase someone who I really do not like in Game of Thrones: the night is dark and full of scary shit. (Sorry, I like my version better than hers.) It's a time of darkness, where scary things can hide, when it's safer to keep your eyes open if you don't know what's out there. And rationally I know it's perfectly safe in my bed...but tell that to my anxieties. There's a reason I've always slept with a flashlight on my nightstand, though my sleep schedule hasn't gotten this messed up until the last year. I think some part of my problem is that subconsciously I feel day is a safe time, and night is a time to be watchful.

So the next question, of course, is...what do I plan to do about this?

For starters, I'm going to let myself stay up tonight as I'm naturally inclined to do, but then not go to bed until tomorrow night. That will really not be pleasant, but I hope it'll help to get me back on track.

And of course, I also have to figure out this whole anxiety and depression thing.

This got old some time ago. Can it just friggin' go away? Please?

Lighthouse and Sunset

And now, a lighthouse. Because they're more fun than the contents of this post.

Sleepy Times

The page in question

"I've realized that I've come to regard sleep in the same way that I sometimes view eating: 'Didn't I just do this recently? Do I really have to do it again so soon? There are so many better ways to use my time.' Obviously, this isn't a healthy relationship. So now the question... how do I fix this?"

The above is from my journal/sketchbook, and over the words I drew a moon and stars.

I've struggled with sleep for much of the last year, and it hasn't been the usual insomnia that I sometimes deal with. This time it seems to have been a matter of my circadian rhythm switching to nocturnal, so that it was pretty much impossible for me to get to sleep at anything approaching a reasonable time no matter what my plans for the next day were. Therapy appointment in the morning? I'd go in on a few hours of sleep, if I was lucky. Date day with my boyfriend? I'd fall asleep on him. Class in the afternoon? I'd at least have a bit more sleep for that, thankfully. And when the anxiety was bad I wouldn't even have caffeine to help me stay awake, since anxiety and stimulants are an unpleasant combination.

There have been times of my sleep schedule being pretty normal. But that's not a matter of me using self discipline, it's a matter of my circadian rhythm conveniently resetting itself. It's not something I seem to have control over, which I try not to think about. Currently it's what I want it to be...or so I pretend to myself. In the past week I've been edging towards staying up later again, and waking up in the afternoon. I tell myself I can easily fix it, if I really want to. That's what I tell myself.

A number of things have been contributing to this, I think. Of course there are the anxiety and depression. When I've got anxiety it can be easier to sleep during the day, since the light is comforting and scary things can hide in the dark. Not that I was always aware of this being a reason...it took some thinking to realize it. And with both anxiety and depression it can be unpleasant to be alone with myself, which is pretty unavoidable when I'm sleeping or falling asleep.

Then there's the feeling that I haven't done enough in the day, and that if I stay up just a little longer I can actually do something productive. Or, that sleep is just a nuisance that gets in the way of actually doing things...but would I do anything? No, other than probably spend more time online to keep me out of my head. Hey, it's been dark and scary in there, often enough. Why would I want to be alone with myself?

And for all I know, there could be other things contributing to my sleep problems that I haven't yet identified.

That said, I am better than I was a couple months ago. I just hope that I keep improving, both where my sleep is concerned and in my overall mood.

Dear Insomnia:

Dear Insomnia:

I loathe you. I really do. I've been lying in bed for a while now, and I need to be at work in seven and a half hours. There's no way I'll get enough sleep now, and that is seriously frustrating.

Please, just leave, and let me get some sleep.

Sincerely,

Tired

ps. Maybe you can take that migraine with you when you leave? Thanks.

. . . . . . .

The above is a letter that I wrote in my head last night. I considered crawling out of bed to jot it down here but didn't. Maybe my writing it now will convince insomnia to leave me alone tonight. Eh, I can hope.

Once I'd had one mug of coffee before work, and two cups of tea at work, I woke up properly. The migraine even seemed disappear entirely in the last hour of work, and luckily it was mild today anyways. I'm honestly not sure how I would have managed if it had been at its worst.