A Letter to Myself for 2018

What have I learned in the past year? What do I need to remember and bring with me into the next year?

First and foremost on my mind, today, is the subject of relationships. Last spring I told the man who I had previously promised to spend my life with to never contact me again. I cannot possibly explain what brought me to that point in a brief blog post, nor is it something that I am ready to talk about so openly, but I can share a few of the things I learned that led me to walking away from him. One thing I had to learn is that my needs are more important than any other person's wants. Another is that I should not silence or hide who I am for the sake of anyone or any relationship. These are things that I had known in theory, but not fully believed were applicable to myself. In truth, there are still times I'm not fully convinced that these facts apply to me, which is why I'm starting this letter with them. Also, just for good measure, believe someone when they show you who they are.

(Yes, I know that previous paragraph is pure vagueblogging. Bear with me. Or not. Whatever.)

Later in the year I was also fortunate enough to learn from another person what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like. That relationship has just ended, and whatever I've learned from it is too fresh for me to distill down to a few key sentences, so all I'll say about it here and now is to remember that it's possible.

And of course, these are lessons that are applicable far beyond romantic relationships. I need to bring them into all facets of my life.

The other subject which comes to mind is my mental health. I think the only thing I have really learned in the last year is that I'm not the person I was before my "anxiety meltdown," and that's ok. It just means that I need to learn how my brain works now, which is annoying, but that's just how life goes sometimes.

There are other lessons I've become aware of during the past year, but which haven't really seeped into me yet. If I have any resolutions for the coming year, one is for the following to seep into my psyche enough that I remember it when I freeze with panic: Take baby steps to do something, and then let the feeling of completion set in. Just act, no matter how small. Once I really learn this, I think my life will become somewhat easier.

If I'm going to have a second resolution, it's to get into the habit of sharing my experiences and thoughts again. To that end, I intend to resume blogging or vlogging. Whichever feels more appealing to me at any given moment is fine, I just want to stop hiding myself from the world. I think that's something I learned to do because of someone who is no longer in my life, and I think it's time to unlearn that habit.

Best of luck in 2018, and I look forward to whatever new lessons I may learn.

The solar eclipse, a highlight of my year.

Note: I felt the urge to write this after watching this Vlogbrothers video.

Halfway to Halloween Ball

Have you ever heard of a Halfway to Halloween Ball? I hadn't, but I'll take any excuse to dress up Halloween style at any time of the year.

People talking and a makeup artist

The ball was last weekend, and I had a ball there. There was music (too loud for my tastes, but pleasant from another room), a dance floor, booths selling cool things, a bar, someone doing professional makeup, a professional photographer doing photo shoots, and horror films being shown. I'm sure there was more going on, but it seemed like too much for me to take in, plus there were what I thought of as the "loud" and "quiet" rooms and I sort of gravitated towards the quiet one. Yeah, you see how exciting I am at parties.

I want to mention that due to movies being shown, I got to watch parts of the silent film Phantom of the Opera. Maybe I should actually get hold of it sometime to watch the whole thing, it seemed neat.

The (fairly empty at this point) dance floor

I went with Murray, he was a crazed writer and I was his Muse. He seemed quite pleased with himself at finding the opportunity to exclaim "The Muse is upon me!" as I draped myself halfway over his lap. Hey, we'd found a really comfortable couch, and what am I supposed to do when I find myself in a really comfy couch with him?

Confession time: I wanted to kidnap that couch. I had no idea that a couch that amazing could exist.

I wore pearls that Murray and I found in a craft store and which he decided to get for me. Yep, he didn't buy me jewelry for the ball, he bought me the pearl beads to make my jewelry with. Maybe not conventional, but then again I like making jewelry and needed reminding of that. With just two strings of pearls I was able to make myself a bracelet, earrings, and necklace, and they complimented my slinky black Muse dress quite nicely.

Pearls

The ball was wonderful, and it was fantastic to get to celebrate Halloween madness in June.

Agoraphobia

You might think that, given my weekend adventures to Astoria for the Goonies festival, I'm perfectly comfortable getting out and about. And if I'm with a friend, I pretty much am, even if I find myself anxious about it ahead of time. Sure, I may also have moments of "Hey, I'm so far away from home. Um..." But I just remind myself of who I'm with, and it passes.

Getting out and about by myself, though, is a different story.

I normally keep it to myself, because that's just how I am mostly. But I guess I need to talk about it more, particularly to Murray. We joke that he's a bad influence because of things like him exposing me to beer, but he's also a good influence in many ways. He's particularly good to have around when I need to talk about my anxieties.

Last evening I told him that I didn't want to go to a song circle I'd been looking forward to, and that I wasn't sure if I simply wasn't in the mood or if it was agoraphobia. If the first, staying home was fine. If the latter, I needed to go. He told me to go, and I decided to listen to him. I'm glad I did, because once I got there I enjoyed myself. And, I need music, it's something that's been missing in my life far too long. (If musical teenage me could see me now she'd be shocked into silence.)

Guitar

Then today, I told Murray that I was too nervous about walking to a salon place just blocks away to get my eyebrows waxed. Yes, my anxieties prevent me from walking just a few blocks from where I live. (Don't ask how I'll manage getting myself to school this summer term, I don't know.) But again, with his encouragement, I walked to the salon.

I guess I just need him, or someone else, to tell me to go do something to get past the agoraphobia. It still isn't easy, and can leave me feeling shaky, but I can do it. Or at least, I could in these two cases.

As to what I'm afraid of that makes it difficult for me to go out alone...that's difficult to explain, especially when I try to deny it even to myself. I may be able to write about at another time, but not today.

Whatever it is that I'm afraid of, I'm glad that I finally know that something (or rather, someone) can help me face it.

Birthday

I've been kind of torn on how to write about my birthday. I'd prefer to act like my life is great, but it really isn't. And I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm not improving with the anxiety and depression exactly as much as I'd been pretending that I was, even though I am learning healthier ways to think, as I've written about before.

So...mixed feelings. At the same time, birthday was great.

I was able to spend the day with Murray, and as my present he took me to a gun range where I got to shoot (well, with a gun that shoots a laser) in a simulator. My first shooting lesson was in the woods shooting at targets we'd brought, and as a second lesson this was pretty good. Apparently I'm a decent shot, too.

After that was delicious food, movies, and we may or may not have fallen asleep together on the futon in my parents' living room.

Dragon!

There was also pecan pie in place of cake, my family singing me happy birthday, and I got an awesome dragon wrapped around a sword from my parents. It's something to hang on the wall, though I haven't gotten around to putting it up. And although it didn't arrive in time for my birthday, Tall One ordered a Jayne's hat for me that I'm looking forward to wearing. I've been wanting one ever since I watched a particular episode in a certain TV show a few months back.

(If you don't know what a Jayne's hat is, watch Firefly.)

Then I finished up the day by staying up way too late with my Game of Thrones book that I can't believe I haven't read before now.

It's good that, even though I still don't know what to do about the anxiety/depression often, I can still have fun days.

Feeling and Talking

I've already written a bit about it being pointed out to me that my defense mechanism is intellectualizing. Basically, I try to think my way out of emotions, which isn't a good way to handle things. It's not the worst way to deal with problems, but it certainly isn't the best either. I decided that the best way to handle this is to not read up on intellectualizing so that I could think about how to handle it (that this was my first instinct probably proves that it's a real problem), but to just let myself feel.

And...it's taken me to some surprising and unexpected places.

For one thing, I understand my emotions better now. Before I tried just letting myself feel, I would have found this to be really counter intuitive. It still feels strange, but good. Also, now that I actually acknowledge my emotions, I can respond to them, or handle them, better.

The next step, I think, is to not judge myself for my emotions. No, I'm not a bad person for feeling depressed or having anxiety, and I need to get out of the habit of just telling myself to shrug it off when something hurts me. If I feel like crying, I should let myself cry rather than saying "Oh come on it's just PMS now knock it off." And if an emotion feels uncomfortable, the solution isn't to think it away, that doesn't work. The best response is just to accept the emotion.

So...yeah. Me and my emotions. Shouldn't they be simpler than this?

Another thing I've been working on is learning to communicate. I'm not sure if being more open is due in part to me understanding my emotions somewhat better, or to my therapist pointing out that my speech disorder could have left some trauma.

Short version of the speech disorder story: it was virtually impossible to understand me when I was little, I couldn't even say my own name correctly in my early teens because of that pesky "r" in it, and it's only in the past few years that people stopped thinking that I'm from some other country when I open my mouth. Imagine if people in your hometown often ask if you're from another continent.

I'm starting to open up about things I've kept to myself, and...it's amazing. It's not always easy, I'm running up against the fact that it frequently doesn't even occur to me to share thing, say things, or ask things...even when they're on my mind. But I'm making progress there, and it feels good. Perhaps the best part of that is feeling closer to my boyfriend, now that I'm finally sharing things that I've kept to myself during the past...roughly three and a half years of our relationship. Like, you know, the anxiety disorder that I kept to myself for almost three years.

So, yeah. I'm finally getting on talking terms with my emotions, and I'm beginning to learn how to talk. Which feels good, even though I'm still struggling with anxiety and depression.

Painted sun

I decided to edit this post to add a sun since it reminds me that there's always a new day with a new start. And, it's just something happy.

They Otter Come Up For Air

As a spur of the moment decision I went to the zoo a couple days ago with my boyfriend, and we found that love was in the air. Or something was in the air, causing some of the animals to be somewhat feisty...

Otter sex

Yes, I took photos. Because how often do you get to photograph otters putting on a porn show?

While I was trying (and failing) to get a good photo, Murray was busy laughing over something else. There were kids present because, well, the zoo is a great place to take kids. I don't think some parents were prepared to explain frisky otters to their children though, and things were getting a bit awkward for one family. One boy was apparently mildly traumatized, and the parents didn't know what to do.

I guess I can understand the mildly traumatized bit...it looked like the otters were fighting. I actually thought one was dead at one point, until I saw movement again. One interesting thing is that, from what little I know of otter mating habits, the male usually bites the female on the nose. Here, though, he was biting her on the scruff of the neck.

(By the way, I've got to give Murray credit for the title of this post. If he didn't suggest this precisely, he suggested something pretty close. He also commented that the otters gave a new meaning to "coming up for air.")

Elephant dong

Yes, I also photographed an obviously horny male elephant. My reasoning was pretty much the same as the other photo: how often does someone get to photograph an erect elephant penis?

This must have been Sam, I remember him being born in the zoo's elephant breeding program a few years back. Or I thought it was only a few years ago...I was surprised to see him this mature, but he's too small to be their other bull elephant, so it must be Sam.

He'd been separated from the other elephants, and the poor guy looked lonely. I'm guessing that him breeding with his mom or aunts isn't part of the breeding program, though, which required removing him from the herd for a bit. Poor guy.

Condor feeding time

Don't worry, I'm past the sex crazed and blue balled animals now. 

Condor exhibit

The condor exhibit is new, though these birds been on site for a while as part of a breeding program. (Ok, I was mostly past the sex crazed animals.) I was really excited since I've been wanting to see them for a while. Birds with such huge wing spans are pretty amazing to me. And speaking of huge wing spans...

Wings extended

Maybe this one was just showing off? On the ground, wings extended, walking. Not sure what that was about, but it gave me a good shot of the open wings.

And yes, that is an animal carcass on the ground, I think it was half of a deer though I'm not entirely sure of that. As I said before, it was feeding time. There were actually warning signs up, but it was far enough from where we could observe that I don't think it was any more disgusting than seeing meat for sale in a grocery store. Then again, I guess not everyone takes that view.

Pretty

I'm not sure just what kind of reptile this was, but he (she?) was pretty, and shedding. I find the combination of orange, yellow, and green to be lovely.

Oopsie photo...

On the left you can see my hilarious fail where I tried to photograph the reptile as a panorama. On the right is where I decided to do the sensible thing of standing back to get a photo, and then cropping the sides.

Cheetah

I love cats, and the big cats are my favorite part of the zoo. Well, not just the big cats. The smaller ones, like the bobcats and the caracal, are just as awesome.

But the cheetahs...they have got to be the most beautiful cats I've ever seen. Just...wow.

Leopard

I also got a rare photo of the leopard sleeping out in plain view. How often does that happen? Not very often.

Mr. Bird in our way

As we got to the exit of the bird room, one decided to block our way by standing on one of the moving parts of the door. Murray tried to entice Mr. Bird down, which is how I got a photo of his hand.

Orangutan

I'm pretty sure that every time I see an orangutan for the rest of my life I'll exclaim "It's the Librarian!" If you know what I'm talking about, you've read Discworld books by Terry Pratchett. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to read some of them.

Fun fact: on a previous visit to the zoo I told Murray "Someday I'm going to get a librarian and name him the Orangutan! Wait, I meant..."

Valentine Date

I'd intended to join a couple of Valentine themed blog parties, but my mind just isn't working where those are concerned. I know what I want to write...it just isn't coming. Instead I guess I'll write a little about my own Valentine's date.

Serenity, just hanging with my stuff

Murray and I went out to eat at a couple of our favorite restaurants, and watched the new movie out Jupiter Ascending. (My thoughts: plot wasn't all it could have been, but I can sort of forgive that for amazing scifi eye candy it provides.) We also stopped by our favorite bookstore, where Murray picked me up a leaf with Serenity on it.

Yeah, I recently discovered the joy that is Firefly. And now my little Serenity is hanging from my wire shelves. I may or may not have also gotten another Serenity from Murray for Christmas that may or may not be on my key chain.

Murray had already gotten me a small super bright flashlight since I've been complaining that I need a new flashlight, and I got him bunny slippers. But not just any bunny slippers, bunnies with sharp pointy teeth! Ok, Monty Python Killer Rabbit slippers. He can now wear the Rabbit of Caerbannog on his feet. He loves the slippers, though I wonder if maybe I should have also gotten him a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch just to be safe...

...I guess I'm going on about the bunny slippers. I'm still somewhat pleased with myself on that find. And I guess I'm going on about the presents, but that's because you probably don't want to hear all about us cuddling in the movie theater or about us holding hands as we strolled through the bookstore.

Good date. ♡

The Four Things Thing

I decided to do the Four Things Thing tag I found on YouTube. My thinking is that it might be fun to do something a bit different on this blog.

Four Jobs I’ve held:
1) Office assistant
2) RFID tagger for libraries
3) Doing a bit of everything in a fast food place
4) Janitor

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1) Fury
2) Day of the Doctor
3) Aliens
4) Pride and Prejudice (BBC)

Four books I’d recommend:
1) The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin
2) Books set in the world of Tortall by Tamora Pierce
3) The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher
4) Bone by Jeff Smith

Since it is impossible for me to narrow it down to just four books, I'm recommending my all time favorite novel plus three brilliant book series.

Four places I’ve been, compass points edition: 
1) Baton Rogue, Louisiana  (I was born there but don't remember it)
2) Victoria, Canada
3) The John Day Fossil Beds in Eastern Oregon
4) The redwood forests in California

Painted Hills, part of John Day, photo I took

Four things I don’t eat: 
1) Spam
2) Rocks
3) Cat food
4) Water (I drink water)
 
Four TV shows I watched: 
1) Doctor Who
2) Babylon 5
3) Star Trek
4) Battle Star Galactica, the remake

I'm still working my way through #1, own and have watched all of #2 (minus one movie attached to the series), and have gotten distracted from the last two though they're fun.

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:
1) Spending another year with my boyfriend
2) Reading more books
3) The results of learning how to communicate better
4) Learning how to relax

Four things I’m saying: 
1) Pepperoni pizza with mushrooms is delicious
2) Walking barefoot on the grass is awesome
3) Reading is excellent
4) Listening to David Gilmour is surprisingly relaxing

I discovered this last bit when my boyfriend sent me a link to the following clip this evening.



Four adjectives you’d use to describe the ocean:
1) Beautiful
2) Turbulent
3) Peaceful
4) Mysterious

Four flavors you like:
1) Chocolate
2) Chocolate
3) Chocolate
4) Chocolate

Four times of day you’re on online:

There's no real particular time set aside. Just, whenever I feel like it if I'm able to.

Four things you want to do better tomorrow:
1) Have more patience
2) Relax (as in, don't carry so much tension)
3) Enjoy the day
4) Focus

Letter From the Past

Have you ever written a letter to your future self? I've written one. Or, I thought I wrote only one. I went looking for it as something to write about here, and instead found another one that I wrote to be opened in 2012. I'd completely forgotten this second one. Here it is, with a bit of editing, due to a) personal stuff, and b) clarifying details that wouldn't be obvious to readers here.

While I'll mostly reserve my comments for after the letter, I want to mention PoP before hand so that you'll know what I'm talking about in just one read through. Pride of Portland (PoP) is a barbershop chorus that's part of Sweet Adelines International. The short explanation is that it's a group of women spread out over the globe who love to sing barbershop, wear too much makeup, wear lots of sequins, and hold musical competitions every year. My first international competition with PoP was in Vegas, and my second (and last) one was in Hawaii. I found that Hawaii agreed with me much more than Vegas, though I was too focused on the competition to really get to enjoy the place properly.

November 24th, 2007

I'm 18 years old as I write this.

I'm currently taking Poetry and Math 60 at Portland Community College. By the time I read this I hope to be working in a library, and possibly making plans to major in English at a 4 year college. I've not even begun to think about which one I want to go to yet.

I went to my first poetry reading today! It was at [I'm keeping this private], and I read my poem "He Fought His Heart" for the group. I plan to continue going to that group.

Working on music for PoP is a challenge, but hopefully I'll get better at it, and am already making progress on it becoming easier. Last year in Vegas we took 14th, and next year we go to Hawaii! I'm excited.

I'm thinking that I just might get some of my poems published. But it'll be a while before I try to go about it, I think.

I wonder -- might I be married, with kids, when I read this? Or will I still be single? Currently I've never been on a date, and never been kissed.

To date I only have one poem memorized -- Ogden Nash's "The Turtle," or I think that's the title. Anyways, I think my future self will know what my current self is talking about. :)

Well, I might add some more later, but that's it for now! 

See ya!

Sarita :P

"See ya!"

...and the above letter is exactly why I have trouble making long term plans these days. Give it a few years, or less, and my plans evolve into something else.

At the time that I wrote this letter I was pretty intimidated at the thought of going to a university. It seemed like a huge commitment (which yeah, it is) and I wasn't sure whether it was for me. So my idea around this time was to maybe get a two year degree that would aid me in getting a library job, then maybe think about going to a university. And of course I was thinking an English degree since that's what I was taking every term at Portland Community College. May as well stick with what I was already nuts about.

I'm certainly not complaining about my decision to pursue an English degree before getting settled in my own place, as I believe was assumed though not stated in the letter. But it's an example of how a long term plan I have one year isn't what I want the next year. Another example is when I picked out my Music Therapy degree, then eventually realized that it was a bad idea. I guess I just don't know for sure what I really want, career wise, though something in a library still sounds awesome.

As for poetry, Fall 2007 was the term I got really into writing poems. It all started when I turned a dream into a haiku immediately after waking up one morning, or maybe I started writing the poem in my dream. Whichever way, that opened the floodgates, and I wrote a lot of poetry until my inspiration more or less dried up. Some of my poems were good, most of them not. One was good enough to get published in the magazine Cricket less than two years after the above letter, which I was beyond excited about since it was my favorite magazine at the time. The poem mentioned in the letter is still unpublished, however, and revisiting it recently I could see that it needs some TLC.

Oh yeah, and "The Turtle"....shame on younger me for not knowing the name for certain. Come on, how difficult could it have been to remember the two word name if I memorized the poem itself?

I'm still unmarried and there are no plans for kids, but I'm definitely not single and am lucky enough to be very much in love with an amazing man. ♡

Have you ever written a letter to yourself? Future or past? What did you put in your letter?

Scraps of Happiness

For the last couple years I've kept a jar in my bedroom, and in this jar I've kept slips of paper with good things that happen to me throughout the year written on them. The idea is to look at them at the end of the year (actually, I planned for winter solstice) and then start filling up the jar again with the new year (or for me, any date after solstice).

I started neglecting the happy jar in summer, about when the anxiety really hit big time. This means that there are some things not in the jar that should be, such as spending Samhain with my boyfriend, mom bringing home the new dog, and when I got a new giant cage for the pet rats. I also didn't touch the jar on solstice, and am only now getting around to it. Here are most of the things that are in it.

Started back to school -- spring 2014

Spending time with "Murray" [note: I'm not using my boyfriend's real name] on Imbolc weekend, and Zoe [this one] apparently getting along better with Kokopelle. -- 2/2014

Watching Babylon 5 with Murray -- 2014 ♡

(Yes, I really did put a heart there. No, we've never been accused of being sappy. Why do you ask?) (Ok, maybe I'm lying.)

My cholesterol was checked, all looks normal. The "fish diet" worked! =) -- 1/31/2014

Mom finished her MBA program -- spring 2014

Spending Christmas evening with Murray -- cuddles and getting Salem's Lot -- 12/25/2013

Decided to go back to school. -- February/March 2014

CthulhuCon with Murray -- spring 2014

Fourth of July with Murray ♡ -- 7/4/2014

Field trip to the coast with oceanography class. -- 5/16/2014

I got three A's and one A- during my first term back to school -- spring 2014

Date with Murray, saw Godzilla and went to [library] to get Babylon 5 season 1. -- 5/2014

Went to [arcade] for the first time with Murray :) -- 7/2014

Portland Highland Games -- 7/19/2014

I went to my first Pride parade with mom.  -- June 2014

The smell of fresh rain late at night -- summer 2014

Brushing snow off a bush, and feeling soft snow under a layer of almost ice. -- 2/9/2014

Valentine's date with Murray. Visiting bookstore, movies, cuddles, and chocolate ice cream. ♡ -- 2/15/2014

I got my books out of storage =D -- July 2014

Walking outside and hearing snow melt around me. -- 2/10/2014

Same sex marriage legalized in Oregon! -- 5/19/2014

Jim Butcher book signing -- spring 2014

Despite the last half of my year being crummy (panic attacks for a couple weeks, anxiety, depression...) this list would be longer if I'd kept up with writing down the good things that happened. Now to start filling up the jar with things that have happened since solstice 2014.

Scraps of Happiness

Sabine and Samhain

My emotions have been pretty mixed today.

First of all, Sabine. I managed to get a vet appointment for her today to help me determine if it was time to help her on her way. I'd already begun to resign myself to it last night, but wanted to see what my vet said first. After finding out that her condition was worse than I had realized (for example, a bizarre heartbeat) I decided it was time.

Putting down a rat is different from how a cat is put down. It's easy to find a vein on a cat, but rats are too small. So they put Sabine under with gas, first in a chamber and then fit a mask over her head. Once she was asleep they put an injection straight into her heart. It took a bit for her to fall asleep, but she went really quickly after the injection.

I'll get her ashes in a few weeks.

Despite my morning, the day wasn't all bad. I spent it with my boyfriend, who has a knack for making me feel better. He took me out for beer and pizza, and we cuddled while watching movies together. We also celebrated our three year anniversary, which was really last weekend but we'd decided to combine it with Samhain this year.

As for Samhain, I haven't done much for that so far today. I guess I've been too busy thinking about Sabine. But I have listened to a couple Samhain songs in the last couple days, including this one by Heather Alexander.

Love

I've mentioned before that my boyfriend is a horror geek, and that he introduced me to the genre. Well, it was only a couple days ago that I realized how thoroughly he has corrupted me, and strangely enough it was due to something said on YouTube.

Someone suggested that a great idea for a horror movie would be giant ant mutants caused by human pollution. This person added that a similar movie was made in the 50's about giant ants created by nuclear activity, but that nuclear mutant stories are so passe.

I typically have little clue what people are talking about when they reference movies, so I was surprised to realize that I actually knew exactly which horror movie was being referenced. I certainly won't win a trivia contest in a room full of horror geeks, but obviously some of it is rubbing off on me. Or, one might say, a certain someone is succeeding in corrupting me. Not that I'm complaining. In fact, it may be part of why I love him. :)

(No, I'm not saying what the movie is. I'm curious to see if any of my readers can name it.)

This post is a couple days late for Valentine's Day, but I can tell you that we did watch the movie in question during our date. Which was wonderful, and also involved chocolate. Chocolate ice cream, to be precise. Yum.

I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I love that man.

Scraps of happiness

In the last year I started filling up a small jar with little scraps of paper. The bits of paper were full of good things that had happened, and I'd intended to read them all on solstice.

Unfortunately I was sick on solstice, so that didn't happen. (Then I got better, only to get sick again. Dangit! This has not been a great last couple of weeks.) Now it's almost New Years Eve, and I'm finally getting around to looking at what good things happened in the last year.

I didn't write everything down, so this is hardly an exhaustive list. Here's most of what I found in the jar.

Duck pond with Murray, visited a farm where I got blackberry honey. -- summer 2013

Discovered that Murray can pick out the perfect pair of sneakers for me. ♡ -- summer 2013

Finished inspecting cells at work. -- summer 2013 [this was a special assignment that I was very happy to finish]

I was hired on to a temp job -- 6/14/2013

Murray and I had Valentine's dinner together at [a favorite restaurant] ♡ -- 2/15/2013

The smell of fresh rain at night -- 8/22/2013

Drank a whole Guinness, realized I'm developing good taste. The one drink made me tipsy. -- 3/16/13

Portland Highland Games -- 7/20/13

Beka is recovering. She's more active, and takes her meds more quickly. :) -- 12/31/2012 [this one is painful to read since she then took a turn for the worst and we lost her]

Birthday date with Murray ♡ -- 3/9/2013

Figured out how to clean the honey jar -- soak the lid in hot water, then wet a paper towel with hot water and wrap it around the rim. -- 1/25/13

Sabine, Kora, and Aniki move in together -- 3/6/2013 [and then were separated...but oh well!]

Temp job got extended -- 6/13

Started my new job -- 6/17/13

Sabine is recovered from her spay and is off her meds :) -- 3/3/2013

Got my first bra fitting -- 3/29/2013 [I know, I know...I can't believe I waited until age twenty-four, and it turns out that a properly fitted bra makes a HUGE difference]

Had my first Guinness. -- 3/16/2013

Drank my first cup of black coffee. -- 4/4/2013

I brought home Kora and Aniki. -- 2/1/2013

Got my birthday presents from The Belly Dancer-- 2/3/2013

I reached 200 blog posts on Dancing With Fey -- 2/11/2013

Learned how to hand wash bras -- spring 2013

Spring has sprung! -- 3/8/2013 [I don't care what the calendar says, when it feels like spring it's spring]

I could make a few comments on the previous year based on what I wrote on those scraps of paper, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Scraps of happiness

Veterans Day

For some reason it's always been awkward for me to say thank you on Veterans Day. I don't know why, it just always has been. But since dating a vet it's become more important for me to figure out how to deal with that awkwardness and say thanks.

So, all vets, thank you.

Maybe I could write a longer post, but I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Detail Of American Flag by Petr Kratochvil

The above post is what I wrote last year. Since I wasn't sure what to write this year I figured I may as well copy and paste.

And yes, I know this post is rather late in the day. But I've been a bit busy spending the day with my favorite vet, the boyfriend. Let's just say that I've learned some restaurants give good discounts to vets on this day, which I think is really nice of them.

Visiting OMSI

Into the bowels of OMSI...

The bowels

Ok, so the public isn't actually allowed down there, as far as I know. But there's a hole in the floor so we can see it, and they've painted most everything bright colors. So even though we're not allowed down there our eyes can go visiting. Wait, that sounds creepy...

OMSI is the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, and I used to go there a lot when I was younger. Once my brother and I went there three days in a row, actually. Why? Because mom's computer crashed, which sort of got in the way of her lesson plans in homeschooling us. So, of course, her short term solution was daily field trips to OMSI. The staff started to recognize us that week. :)

I hadn't been there in a few years, but went yesterday with the boyfriend. It was as fun as I remembered. I got just a few photos (not the ton I would have taken when I was younger...I did tend to get trigger happy with the camera back then) that I wanted to share here.

It wants to give you mouth hugs

A certain someone managed to guess that this was an allosaurus skull while I was still looking the black paint on the teeth. What I found most fascinating was that you could see that new teeth were growing in.

Side note/question: why does the spell check want to change "allosaurus" to "stegosaurus"?

Kitty skulls

I'm not sure what the one on the left is, but on the right is a bobcat skull. I love cats, and want to cuddle a bobcat, so I had to get a photo.

Of course, if I ever did get to cuddle a bobcat, the end result would likely be highly unpleasant...

The Falcon!

Not sure why they had Legos creations of Star Wars ships and fighters, but I'm not complaining.

The bowels, again

I got more than one photo of the bowels of OMSI. Just because they're so pretty. :)

More bowels

The boyfriend and I also saw a planetarium show about what's going on in our skies right now. I'd forgotten, there's currently a comet up there. It's visible on the horizon close to dawn, but you can't currently see it with the naked eye. I'm hoping it becomes more visible in the next few weeks.

Samhain

I admit it, I'm one of those Pagans who requests time off from work for Samhain. And this year I decided that I may as well make it a four day weekend, so I also requested Friday off. Happily, I got off the days I requested.

As I said yesterday this was perhaps the best Samhain/Halloween I've had. Which may be a little strange since we didn't get any trick-or-treaters at my parent's house, and I didn't dress up. However, I did spend the day with my wonderful boyfriend. We watched some movies, including some old Halloween episodes from the Simpsons. He'd also said that he wanted to read me some Edgar Allan Poe poetry, and I said that I will not argue with my boyfriend wanting to read me Poe on Halloween.

Of course, Samhain is also a time to remember those who have passed in the last year. And this year I remember...

Socks, an elderly cat who finally needed to be helped on his way in January. He was a very interesting cat, who liked to bite yet somehow was very sweet. My parents got him for me when I was young, but was eventually more attached to mom than to me. Still, towards the end, he took to sleeping on the foot of my bed and then under it.

Beka, a pet rat who had been very sick and who I'd still hoped to save. We lost her the day after Socks. I remember her stealing an acorn off my altar and bringing it back to me before munching on it, and also that she would lick my face when I cried. She was absolutely lovely.

Grandma, who passed just a couple weeks ago. She'd been in hospice so it wasn't a surprise, and we had known she was in her final days. Still, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I've finally realized that mixed in with my grief is resentment, since she'd never seemed really interested in meeting my brother and me, though she said she was proud of us and loved us. Regardless, it's hitting me hard, as evidenced by the fact that my migraines started within a week after she first went into hospice last May. It took me until the migraine that developed when we knew she was in her final days to make the connection, though.

Great-grandma Sadie, who died before I was born. Towards the end grandma said her mom had visited her and told her that she would be home soon. I also want to mention that I was the first girl born in the family after grandma Sadie died, and am named for her. I've got the name Sarita instead of Sadie though because she apparently hated her name, and both of these names are forms of Sarah.

I also spent some of Samhain spinning yarn. I don't know why, but it somehow seems appropriate to create things on that day. Maybe because even though all lives eventually end the world still goes on, and making things is a good way to remind myself of that.

Pinball (and Retro Gaming Expo)

I had forgotten how much pinball is.

During the weekend I went to the Portland Retro Gaming Expo with the boyfriend. They had all kinds of cool stuff there: tournaments, things for sale, people in cosplay costume, video arcade games...and pinball. Possibly best of all, everything was on free play. We were able to play whatever we liked despite having no quarters on us.

Unfortunately I didn't get any photos since I forgot my phone at home (no idea how I did that), but I guess that means that I just got to focus on playing pinball rather than figuring out how to get good photos.

I also found a Super Nintendo that a vendor had set up so that people could play Donkey Kong. I may have gotten a wee bit over excited. That game and gaming system was my introduction to video games, so I got a little caught up (only briefly) playing it and remembering when I was first figuring out this whole video game concept with my younger brother. Actually, a certain someone may have said that he finally knew how gaming widows felt after I latched on to the Super Nintendo controller. Which was amusing since I spent considerably less time with Donkey Kong than I did with pinball.

Then again, I did seriously consider buying that Super Nintendo, whereas I merely fantasized about buying a pinball machine.

Our time there was fun, and convinced me that I ought to find a place where I can play pinball when I feel like it. Fortunately a couple of coworkers suggested a place with lots of pinball machines, so it looks like pinball may be in my near future.

Good things

After feeling rather depressed yesterday, and starting off today in pretty much the same mood, I wanted to make a list of things that made me feel good today. Some of them are pretty simple.

• Cooking bacon
• Finding more jobs than usual to apply for
• Reading Terminator: Judgment Day by Randall Frakes
• Fixing the ring I messed up earlier this week -- I took silver polish to it, and even though the engravings still need to be blackened it's wearable again!
• My boyfriend

And now, a photo I just happen to like. It intrigues me, and this makes it another good thing today. I found it a while ago when I was looking for flowery spring photos, and even though it's a spring it wasn't relevant to the season I was writing about.

If you take a good look you'll see that it also looks like a shrine, with some practical camping/hiking equipment close at hand and mugs for travelers to use. There's definitely a story behind this spring, and I want to know it.

Spring by Jana Illnerová

It All Makes Sense At The End

I doubt that I'll actually get a chance to write a proper post today, since I'll be spending most of the rest of the day at the hospital. Yeah, it looks like I'll spend mother's day with my grandma. Which might be only fair since mom was with her yesterday. I guess I'll write an actual update about grandma another time...probably tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's a song instead of an actual thought out nice piece of writing. It's my favorite one by the amazing Hank Green.



I spent pretty much all of yesterday with my boyfriend. I felt bad at first for not being with grandma, but eventually realized that I would have been worse than useless to her. I was so out of it (stress, I guess) that I had trouble talking sense to Murray when he picked me up. Luckily, he's good at making me feel better, and I am in a much better frame of mind now. I'm still tired (probably stress) but finally ok.

Cthulhu Con

On my first "date" with my Murray -- back when I was insisting things would remain strictly platonic -- he decided to introduce me to horror movies. I wasn't too keen on the idea of watching horror movies, and tried to insist that we not watch any horror.

I'm afraid that I lost that argument, but I really can't complain. I discovered that the older horror movies aren't really scary after all. There are some of the newer ones I won't watch, and Murray knows that. But for the most part they're ok, and I really like some of them.

And last weekend, my boyfriend took me to a horror film festival: Cthulhu Con.

What really shocked me about it was that I felt like I belonged. I mean, I've hardly read any H.P. Lovecraft, and his works are at the center of what it's all about. Many of the jokes went over my head. And yet, I was just so comfortable there.

I also got to step outside of my comfort zone a little, and learned a few things. At my boyfriends encouragement, I tried some almost black lip stick. I learned a little bit more about the horror genre, and was introduced to the bizarro genre. I actually got to see an RPG in action. I may have gotten slightly drunk for the first time at an after party (someone fed me two drinks, and I get tipsy on just one). I also determined that I'm not a huge fan of noisy bars, but that the quiet(er) ones are ok. Also, there's a different between middle aged people being noisy versus people my own age being noisy. And the latter is harder to handle.

There will be one or two more posts about Cthulhu Con this week. For now, I'll leave you with a photo from the pre-party, which had very interesting entertainment.

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