Facing My Fears

On one hand anxiety is still something I don't want to talk about. On the other hand, it's something people need to be able to discuss. Speaking from experience, not being able to talk about something is a barrier to getting help, so maybe the more people who are able to talk about this sort of thing the better.

And, yeah, the last couple weeks have been rough. Sometimes really rough.

I wrote the following on August 4th, Monday of last week. I figured I may as well finally hit the "publish" button even though, yeah, I did also write another post about anxiety a few days ago. Who knows, I may write more on it soon, depending on whether writing seems to help.

... ... ...

I went to the doctor this morning because of dizziness. I've also been having more frequent migraines and a few other symptoms that have caused me to get behind on my schoolwork, but dizziness has been the big one for much of the last week. Or rather, it was the only big one that I intended to discuss with the doc, though she managed to find the other big one that's possibly a worse problem. I'm not sure what I said to tip her off, but she also asked if I've been having anxiety.

Am I dealing with anxiety? Yes, definitely, yes. And it's not a new thing, either. I'm certainly not happy with it, but I'm used to it. Resigned to it, I guess you could say. When I was younger I could talk about it quite easily, and one doctor I was seeing for ADHD decided to treat the anxiety I was constantly talking about instead of what I'd originally gone to him for. That turned out to be an excellent idea on his part. So I went on Prozac when I was eighteen, and stayed on it until a couple years ago.

I'm not sure when the anxiety crept up on me again. But it did, and I mostly kept it to myself. That was easy since it typically only strikes at night while I'm alone; if I'm with someone or it's daylight out the anxiety isn't likely to be a problem. I did say something quietly about it at first, and of course my family could see that I got nightlights for my bedroom. I'm sure they also sometimes noticed when I slept with my bedroom light on, which I've done on occasion. But I tried to handle it quietly, by myself, and I didn't even tell my boyfriend until it had me crying on him recently.

For some reason I didn't seriously consider getting treatment for it. Sure, the Prozac helped before, but I didn't particularly want to go back on it again (side effects) and I'm wary of trying new meds (too many experiences involving unfortunate side effects). Having trouble talking about it was also a barrier to getting help.

Although I still don't know why I've had so much trouble talking about it, I finally know just how difficult getting help really is. I'm facing the anxiety head on again by taking a new medication for it, and what's my response? Panic attacks. Not the worst panic attacks I've ever heard about someone having, but they're completely new to me. And scary.

Imagine being afraid that something will happen to you, and your fear causes it to happen.

I don't know if I'll publish or delete this post, but I thought writing it (and attempting a rewrite that will read better than my original attempt) might help. I probably will publish this because silence obviously didn't help, so maybe opening up will. And how much more open can I be than putting this online where the world can see it? Maybe I can even figure out why I thought that I had to deal with things alone this time around.

Questions

You may remember that I used to be a music therapy major. That didn't work out for me since I really shouldn't study music academically, so I went back to my books as an English major. But there's one question from the interview for the music therapy program that I've been thinking about in the last week.

That question was whether I'd be willing to seek treatment myself. As I recall, I saw the question as being less about going in for something like the flu and more about whether I could seek treatment for ADHD, depression, anxiety...you know, mental health stuff.

My answer at the time was an immediate yes. It was almost a "Well duh," and I went on to clarify that I had gone to a doctor for help managing my ADHD.

At the time I genuinely had no problem talking about my problems, or going to a doctor for help.

Somehow that changed.

I used to be on Prozac for an anxiety disorder, but decided to try coming off of it a couple years ago. The anxiety crept up on me again, and I didn't ask for help. I thought I needed to deal with it quietly by myself, and it wasn't until last week that I started getting help for it. But I'm not getting help because I asked for it. I'm getting help because I somehow said something to my doctor that gave it away, and after a bit of talking about medications we picked a new one for me to try.

In the last week I've struggled with (new) panic attacks, and more anxiety in general. (It seems that having the issue being addressed before I was prepared just worsened things temporarily.) But I've also been thinking back to that interview when I was able to say "Well, yes, of course I would seek treatment," and wondering how that changed.

How I Read

"Whatever your reading practices, becoming aware of them is a first step to reading strategically" (48).

The above is from The Curious Researcher: A Guide to Writing Research Papers by Bruce Ballenger. (Guess what one of my classes this summer is?) It is in the conclusion of the first chapter, and got me thinking about 1) how I read, and 2) how my reading habits change depending on what I'm reading.

For that matter, how I read has been changing with my recent return to school. It used to be that I would always give things a close reading the first time through, determined that I would understand everything as I go. But depending on the subject and writing style, this isn't always possible. I've been trying to train myself, with limited success so far, to sometimes skim texts before reading them more closely. This can give me a basic idea of what the writer is saying, which helps me figure out the details during my second and more thorough go at it.

I've also been learning to use a highlighter, and to write in my textbooks. This is something I used to be 100% against, but started relaxing sometime after I started marking up my beloved copy of Ursula K. Le Guin's The Left Hand of Darkness. (It now has several years worth of notes and questions in the margins, and even several colors of highlighter.) It was last term that I finally figured out highlighting textbooks and making notes in them not only helps me return to important points later, but it also helps me focus when studying. I'll note down about interesting ideas, points I like, questions I have, and it sometimes lets me vent frustrations. An example of this last perk was when my queer studies textbook referred to Wicca as a pre-Christian religion.

Being able to write in my textbooks seems important enough that, rather than continuing to borrow my brother's copy of the latest A Writer's Reference by Diana Hacker, I bought it for myself after one week of class. Used, of course. Those things are expensive.

A page from the Hacker book

Yes, I seriously highlighted "Use a pencil instead of a highlighter..." Hey, it seemed like an important point Hacker wanted to make, so I figured I should highlight it.

Lastly, I tend to read fiction differently than non-fiction for school. While this normally isn't practical when reading a novel, I like to read short stories twice. The first time to just enjoy it, and the second time bearing in mind that it's for school. And although this method usually isn't convenient time-wise when studying novels, I did reread Mary Shelley's Frankenstein last term so that I could highlight sections that were important to a final paper I was writing on it.

I'm sure I'll continue to think about how I read throughout this term. Maybe I'll find new tricks for taking in material, and maybe I'll get better at that skimming before closely reading texts thing.