A Little Milestone

I was thinking about this blog, pondering what to write about, and then realized that I may as well talk a little about what's going on with me/us this week. Which means discussing mental health stuff. And, while I don't want to turn this into a mental health blog, I think it went that direction years ago because...what else do you talk about on your personal blog while having a slow motion mental breakdown?  

In summary. To recap (briefly) the last several years: in mid/late 2019 I/we hit rock bottom and soon after realized "oh hey there's someone in my head who isn't me." Cue finally getting the kind of mental health care I need, and then 2020 was the best year of my life mental health wise. 

Fast forward to this week.

Some headmates finally shared about our hallucinations with our therapist. 

Honestly, one of the strangest things about DID (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) is the denial and dissociation. Formerly denial about even having headmates. And then once we'd (mostly) accepted our DID situation, refusal to acknowledge that some headmates see things that aren't there. I have to wonder what else we/I are still in denial about.

It's kinda hard to keep in denial about something that's been discussed with our therapist, though, which is a fact probably related to why it took so long to properly discuss the hallucinations with our therapist in the first place. (Or anyways, I think that's how it works for us. I admit I could totally be wrong.) 

Someday I'll probably write more about the experience of having hallucinations. Other headmates will likely write on the topic, too, and we might share their writings here. But for now, while various individual headmates are trying to engage with the world again, just sharing the little milestone of telling our therapist "hey...hallucinations are a fact of life for us" is enough. 

Headmates (take II)

Imagine suddenly realizing that you're not the only one in your head.

Hi, we go by Collective, and we seem to have a slight case of dissociative identity disorder.

I know some headmates already wrote a "hey it turns out we've apparently got DID" post, but...that was another headmate. So it still feels like I (the one currently typing) still have that as a thing on my mental to do list. Because yeah this blog has been sorely neglected, but some of us are wanting to get back into the swing of writing again. This may or may not involve various headmates writing about the same topic from slightly different angles. Maybe. We'll see.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say here. The topics I'd like to eventually talk about are still too new, too fresh, too personal, to put on a blog quite yet. Which is a change, because we used to put so much on this blog. At the time we weren't receiving the mental health care we needed, we didn't understand what was happening to us, and we were screaming at the world in a desperate hope that someone would hear and be able to make sense of us. But it turns out that, now we're getting the help we've always needed, we don't feel that need anymore. 

Not to say that we have nothing to talk about! And we'll still discuss mental health I'm sure, but at least we won't (or, we'll be less likely to) be writing from a place of terror because we don't know what's happening with ourself.

ps. I finally figured out that years ago a headmate had switched comments over to being manually moderated, so that each comment needs approval before it goes on the blog. I guess that explains why no comments were appearing...and here we'd thought no one was reading this blog anymore.

Headmates

Imagine being assigned some random people to share a house with. You might get along great with one of them, another you barely see, and for some reason you have the feeling that there are more you don’t know about. But you share a house, and you’ve got to make it work. 

That’d be something of a challenge. 

Now imagine that it isn’t a house you share, but a brain and body. And you don’t realize that you have roommates (headmates), which leads to some very confusing experiences. 

And then, think about what it might be like to finally realize: you aren’t alone in your brain. 

This is my reality, and I started seeing a specialist about my multiple personality situation last summer. Figuring out what’s going on has been such a relief, I’ve actually been able to start making meaningful improvements for my mental health. 

Now that more of us are “waking up” (individual headmates can go “dormant” due to trauma/stress) we’re rediscovering old loves, which is blogging in my case. That means either reviving this blog, or starting a new one. Not quite sure which it’ll be yet. Will keep you posted. ;)

Syllabus | Relaxing 101

Because I work best as a student, I’ve decided to create syllabi for myself quarterly throughout the year. Syllabi will depend on what I need most importantly af any given moment, or may be updates of long term plans. Following is one of my syllabi for for “winter term.” I’ll be writing my reflections here, so I wanted to provide the syllabi first. My other syllabus for this “term” will be in a separate post. 

I copied and pasted a template regular syllabus which I then partially edited. Everything in bold is from me, everything else is from the original template. 
... ... ...
Relaxing 101Winter 2020
Course Goals
Become more comfortable with “pointless” activities such as watching movies or reading (and get myself away from the whole idea that I used to read too much because that’s just toxic bullshit that’s killing my joy). 
What are the big ideas that you are going to cover in your course? What are the essential understandings that students will take away with them after the course has finished? It is important to define these course goals, as they will help you determine what you expect from your students, and what your students can expect from the course.
Student Learning Objectives/Outcomes
Outcome: to have exposed myself to more fun things that I feel guilty for doing. If I still feel guilty that’s ok, point is to help me get used to it (just like I slowly got used again to spending time outdoors; I managed that, I can do this). 
Designing outcomes is essential to designing your course and is a valuable element to have in your syllabus. The outcomes are usually statements that are verb oriented and directed at the students. For example: “Students will be able to identify key geomorphological formations on a Southern Alberta map.” This example uses the verb identify, which is a lower level thinking skill. A higher order thinking skill is incorporated in the next example: “Students will be able to read and analyze population maps interpreting any trends the data may show.”
Assessment Overview and Plan
At this point I think it’s best for me to just take things as they come, and not worry about grading. Any movement is movement forward, if only in that it’s getting me more comfortable with the idea relaxing. 
The assessment overview is a grading guide that allows students to see what weightings can apply to the different assessment elements of a course. An example of an assessment overview is below.
Quizzes: 50%Participation: 5%Journal Assignments: 20%Team Assignment: 10%Final Exam: 15%
As well as including the overview of grading, a grading scale should be identified for the students, so they understand at what level they are performing. Grade scales can range between faculties and departments. It is best that you check with your department and faculty and use the scale they wish you to use.
Assessment plans are built in line with student learning objectives. Student learning objectives state what students will learn while your assessment plan states how you, as an instructor, will gather evidence for achievement of the objectives. The assessment plan will detail the type of assessments that will occur within the course structure, how they will be marked, and how they provide evidence of student learning. Your assessment plan will more than likely consist of multiple assessments ranging from online examinations to essays and group projects. Different assessments can and should be used to find evidence for multiple outcomes.
Schedule of Activities
1. Catch up on various Marvel universe movies2. Listen to Old Man and the Sea3. When I feel guilty for doing fun things while my life is still fucked up, sit with that feeling IF if I have the emotional energy to do so and question it4. Finish listening to the Abhorsen trilogy5. Read other books and watch other movies as I feel like it6. In March do some sort of reflection on my experiences; note that I’m intentionally leaving this vague 
This portion of the outline should be built once the plan has been made. Once you understand how you want to assess your students, you can create activities that help facilitate the learning that needs to be done to help students achieve the objectives. Course activities should work in parallel with the assessment plan. If students need to provide evidence of learning by completing a multiple choice exam, then the activities in the schedule should prepare them for this assessment. Lectures, readings, small group and whole group discussions can all be activities that help the student meet their learning objectives.
Plagiarism Announcement
Because a syllabus must have a plagiarism section. 
Due to student privacy issues, if you wish to submit your student’s work through a plagiarism detection service such as Turnitin, you must inform your students that you are going to do so. Furthermore, if students request an alternative method of plagiarism detection because of privacy concerns, you must provide them with an alternate option.
Reading List
1. Various Marvel movies (lets go with 5 of them, can include any I’ve already seen) 2. Audiobook: Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway3. Audiobooks: Lirael and Abhorsen by Garth Nix
It is a good idea to put the readings for the course within the syllabus. What you include may simply be a reference to a textbook, or it may be many references to online readings. Listed readings will allow students, administrators, and other educators see what content will is to be covered within the course. Listed readings also allow students to prepare for your course and acquire the texts needed. If the location of your readings is within a Learning Management System such as Moodle, it is still a good idea to list these readings within the syllabus.

Syllabus | Learning how to learn 101

Because I work best as a student, I’ve decided to create syllabi for myself quarterly throughout the year. Syllabi will depend on what I need most importantly af any given moment, or may be updates of long term plans. Following is one of my syllabi for for “winter term.” I’ll be writing my reflections here, so I wanted to provide the syllabi first. My other syllabus for this “term” will be in a separate post. 

I copied and pasted a template regular syllabus which I then partially edited. Everything in bold is from me, everything else is from the original template. 

... ... ...

Learning how to learn 101

Winter 2020

Course Goals

I lost many of my skills during my “anxiety meltdown” during fill in the year. One skill that I lost along the way is how to learn, which I hadn’t even allowed myself to embrace my best way of learning beforehand. The goal of this course is to 1) explore how I learn best these days (which may not be the same methods of learning as before) and to 2) practice learning. 

What are the big ideas that you are going to cover in your course? What are the essential understandings that students will take away with them after the course has finished? It is important to define these course goals, as they will help you determine what you expect from your students, and what your students can expect from the course.

Student Learning Objectives/Outcomes

1. I will have a better understanding of how I learn best

2. I will have practiced several learning methods on several different subjects

3. I will have practiced honoring the speed at which I naturally learn 

Designing outcomes is essential to designing your course and is a valuable element to have in your syllabus. The outcomes are usually statements that are verb oriented and directed at the students. For example: “Students will be able to identify key geomorphological formations on a Southern Alberta map.” This example uses the verb identify, which is a lower level thinking skill. A higher order thinking skill is incorporated in the next example: “Students will be able to read and analyze population maps interpreting any trends the data may show.”

Assessment Overview and Plan

My mental health being what it is, I don’t think it would be healthy for me to have a firm assessment overview or plan. My current working level is on the Brownies version of badges, which were try-its; we got credit for just trying. 

The assignments I make for myself are based on subjects I am already learning and learning methods I am already exploring or thinking about. If one or several don’t work and would best be abandoned then that is absolutely ok; the goal of learning more about how I learn will still have been accomplished. 

The assessment overview is a grading guide that allows students to see what weightings can apply to the different assessment elements of a course. An example of an assessment overview is below.

Quizzes: 50%

Participation: 5%

Journal Assignments: 20%

Team Assignment: 10%

Final Exam: 15%

As well as including the overview of grading, a grading scale should be identified for the students, so they understand at what level they are performing. Grade scales can range between faculties and departments. It is best that you check with your department and faculty and use the scale they wish you to use. 

Assessment plans are built in line with student learning objectives. Student learning objectives state what students will learn while your assessment plan states how you, as an instructor, will gather evidence for achievement of the objectives. The assessment plan will detail the type of assessments that will occur within the course structure, how they will be marked, and how they provide evidence of student learning. Your assessment plan will more than likely consist of multiple assessments ranging from online examinations to essays and group projects. Different assessments can and should be used to find evidence for multiple outcomes.

Schedule of Activities

Learning methods to explore:

1) Art

2) Journaling

3) Creative writing 

4) Organizing hand written notes in a binder by topic

5) Watching and rewatching relevant YouTube videos by trusted channels

   a. Take notes as I feel like it

   b. Passive/background learning is totally a legit thing and I’ve already seen how that helps me build structure to help me build actual understanding on

Topics

1. Snakes; wherever that may take me

2. Local birds 

   a. Identify those that feed at our back porch

   b. Begin to learn basic stuff such as where they nest, what they eat, etc. 

3. Too many physics topics to list

   a. Anything quantum mechanics

   b. Black holes

   c. Overall timeline of the universe

   d. These are way too broad but seriously my curiosity is taking me all over the place, and at this point in time I think that’s a thing to indulge 

4. Genetics

   a. Bettas

   b. Snakes?

   c. Guppies

5. ASL; this could potentially help so much with when I freeze or otherwise can’t make myself talk (and hopefully people around me will learn some)

The learning methods and topics are to be combined however and wherever my curiosity and compulsion takes me, including potentially learning methods and subjects I haven’t laid out here. There are, however, a few particular projects I would like to work on. These projects do not need to be in any way “completed” by the beginning of summer, the and the ultimate goal remains helping me learn how I best learn. If any of these seem to impede my learning for any reason at all, it will be in my best interest to step away from the subject and/or method of learning for a bit before reassessing. 

Projects

1) Physics

   a. Get notes organized into a binder

   b. Creative writing; even if I only write a very little on the Hailee project, that’s ok, I just want to write some on it 

2) Fish genetics

   a. Outline my basic goals for my Queens’ line breeding project 

   b. Outline of my basic goals for my Sunrise guppies breeding project

   c. Outline of my basic goals for my unnamed guppy project 

   d. Outline what I want for my ideal betta breeding project 

   e. Create a reasonable timeline (how many baby batches, how long it takes them to grow, etc.) for each current breeding project 

   f. Figure out more about genetics so that I have more of an idea of how to predict what I’ll get (seriously I don’t have to learn much to accomplish this goal) 

3) Birds

   a. Paint birds as I learn about them

   b. Observe, perhaps take notes about birds on our back porch 

   c. Look stuff up about the species as I learn to recognize what’s what

4) Snakes

   a. Continue my highly disorganized notebook about the different species 

   b. Maybe paint some snakes 

5) ASL: just watching YouTube videos and practicing the signs with the videos as I feel able to

6) Rest: figure out what this looks like

7) In early March do some sort of reflection on my experiences. I’m intentionally leaving this vague. 

This portion of the outline should be built once the plan has been made. Once you understand how you want to assess your students, you can create activities that help facilitate the learning that needs to be done to help students achieve the objectives. Course activities should work in parallel with the assessment plan. If students need to provide evidence of learning by completing a multiple choice exam, then the activities in the schedule should prepare them for this assessment. Lectures, readings, small group and whole group discussions can all be activities that help the student meet their learning objectives.

Plagiarism Announcement

I mean, duh, but you can’t have a syllabus without this section. 

Due to student privacy issues, if you wish to submit your student’s work through a plagiarism detection service such as Turnitin, you must inform your students that you are going to do so. Furthermore, if students request an alternative method of plagiarism detection because of privacy concerns, you must provide them with an alternate option.

Reading List

Birds

1. Birds of the Pacific Northwest by John Shewey and Tim Blount

2. Birds of the Willamette Valley Region by Harry Nehls

3. Sibley Field Guide to Birds of Western North America by Knopf publishing thingy 

4. Online resources 

Physics (YouTube channels)

1. PBS Space Time

2. PBS Infinite Series

3. Crash Course Astronomy

4. SciShow Space

5. Minute Physics 

6. Up and Atom

7. Etc. 

Snakes (YouTube channel)

1) Snake Discovery 

2) Montana Animal Wonders

3) Etc. 

Subjects I’ll have to identify good sources for:

1) Genetics

2) ASL

It is a good idea to put the readings for the course within the syllabus. What you include may simply be a reference to a textbook, or it may be many references to online readings. Listed readings will allow students, administrators, and other educators see what content will is to be covered within the course. Listed readings also allow students to prepare for your course and acquire the texts needed. If the location of your readings is within a Learning Management System such as Moodle, it is still a good idea to list these readings within the syllabus

Eyesight and Glasses

I used to be able to do this thing where I’d tense my eyes and be able to see fine. Some people have known what I’m talking about, others haven’t, I think I’ve just been using eye muscles that a lot of people can’t use without squinting.

I’ve been losing the ability to do this over the last couple years, which is unpleasant but not surprising. I knew my “good” eyesight (that is, being able to tense my eyes to see clearly despite needing bifocals to not get headaches) wouldn’t last forever.

Now I keep finding myself disoriented when things aren’t coming into focus like they used to, and I think it’s time I recognize that this has got to be contributing in some part to my perception of reality being off. (Definitely doesn’t account for all of it, but it would still be a bit disturbing even without my regular dissociation.)

Also, I need new glasses. *sigh*

I'm Alive

To get you up to speed with my current mental state, I'd like to share a Facebook post of mine from September 9th:

a selfie

CW: suicidal

First, I’m getting help, and am safe right now.

I’ve generally found that talking and being open about my shitty mental health helps, hence this post. (Apparently I feel the need to justify talking about my feelings.) My current situation has been going on for a few days and this feels like a good time to start talking openly about it, since I know talking openly will be part of recovering.

I have a long history of suicidal ideation (since I was twelve), but my relationship to suicidal ideation was always fear of suicide. On Friday I stopped being afraid, and was actually considering it. Fortunately, something convinced me to stick around for a bit longer. That’s when I took this photo; I kinda wanted to capture that “oh shit I have to deal with these emotions since I’m sticking around” feeling.

I went to a walk in clinic on Friday, and I went again today because the emotional pain hasn’t lessened and...I can’t convey how much it hurts. It just hurts so much. It’s so much pain that when I had flashbacks yesterday they were the same level of pain that I was already in, and am still experiencing today. It’s the equivalent of experiencing a flashback to trauma, but imagine that the flashback isn’t passing and I can’t get away form the pain.

I’m still working through what triggered this, and will talk to my therapist on Wednesday about it.

I experienced a paradigm shift on the night that I wanted to die and chose to stick around for a bit longer. (Now that's a sentence I never thought I would write.) This shift might be best described as "What's the worst that can happen, I already wanted to kill myself, fuck this bullshit." In many (good) ways I'm still the same person I was before, but this new attitude has also allowed certain changes that are allowing me to get closer to the person I want to be.

Most importantly, I know what it's like to completely trust myself now. It's somewhat ironic that I learned to trust myself in a moment when I was in such an irrational state of mind, but hey, at least I got something positive out of that experience.

My newly found self trust and "fuck it" attitude has allowed me to already start making positive changes in my life. I'm able to address old thoughts/beliefs with a fresher approach, so that I finally have a hope of moving on and healing. I feel like I've been able to shake some of the trauma that has been weighing me down and controlling me; certain trauma doesn't seem to have the same hold on me when my thoughts are "Yeah well I wanted to kill myself so how scary do you think you are?" I'm exploring new ways of self expression. And I'm finally having conversations about things that needed saying ages ago.

I'm still not ok. I'm still in an immense amount of emotional pain when I'm not numb. I'm still spending much of my time in bed, unable to do much. But I'm crocheting. I've managed to ask for help. I'm working on self care, which includes basic things like (ideally) eating when I need to. I've actually made myself a "care package" of sorts that I'll write another post about. I'm watching educational YouTube videos. I'm breaking down old ways of thinking and creating new thought patterns; which is a painful process that takes most of my energy, and brings me back around to the fact that I'm still not ok. But hey, I actively want to live again, and I can finally really see a way forward. That feels like a win to me.

semicolon henna tattoo

Part of why I stopped writing here is that I didn't want to make this blog all depressing by always talking about how depressed and anxious I am. Fuck that, this is my blog, and one of the things I've realized is that I can totally make this into a mental health blog. Hopefully the topics I explore will expand over time, but if my mental health is all I can find to write about for now, then that's ok. I've given myself permission to write about my fucked up head as much as I want to here.

Queer Questions

When someone asked me if I could clear up a few questions about the queer world for them, I was expecting something that I could answer in a few sentences. Instead, I got this:

Q: Why does the LGBTQ+ acronym include gender identities as well as sexual orientations? I know they aren't the same, and not all identities are included, so why are some of them?

I thought it would be easiest to type out an answer somewhere other than on FB Messenger, which brought me here. And since I'm typing it out here, I may as well hit the "publish" button when I'm done. So hey, new blog post!

Note: I tend to say queer instead of LGBTQ+. I personally prefer this because queer is more inclusive than LGBTQ+ since, as noted in the questions above, not all the identities are present in LGBTQ+. The downside to using queer is that not everyone is comfortable with it. I acknowledge that my preference here is an imperfect solution, and my choice is colored by the fact that I call myself queer.

1) Why does the LGBTQ+ acronym include gender identities as well as sexual orientations?

A look at queer history shows gays and trans people often working together. (I'm ignoring other identities for the moment because even though they've always been present, they often aren't mentioned). Trans people were present at the Stonewall riot, and it's often (incorrectly) said that it was a trans woman who threw the first brick. Watch the film "Paris is Burning," which is about Harlem drag culture in the 80's, and you see gay men and trans people working together to make a place they can exist in relative peace. If I had made a point to educate myself further on queer history, I have no doubt that I would easily list off other examples showing a close allyship between gays and trans people.

Additionally, many consider sexual orientation and gender identities to be closely linked, and the two are often regularly confused with each other. An example of the two becoming ridiculously confused is the theory of sexual inversion, in which it was believed that a gay man was simply a woman in their soul, and that it was that inner woman who wanted to be with a man. According to this theory, bisexuals would be part man and part woman. This was what sexologists used to believe and teach.

Whether people conflate trans identities and sexual orientation due to our natural close allyship described above, or if the allyship occurred because of people's confusing sexual orientations with gender identities, I don't know. Either way, it's there, and it's why gender identities and sexual orientations are in the same acronym.

2) Why aren't all the identities included?

Set aside everything I just said about a close allyship between the different queer identites. It's definitely there in many cases, as we see in the expanding acronym, but not everyone likes to play nice.

I wish we were one big happy queer family, but the fact is that we're all human and humans can really suck. Within our sometimes dysfunctional queer family, the "you're not queer enough" argument is regularly thrown at bisexuals, asexuals, and intersex people (some even outright deny the existence of these identities). TERFs deny the existence of trans people, and unfortunately plenty of TERFs are queer. Even trans people will sometimes deny the existence of non-binary genders. Many argue that pansexual is just a fancy word for bisexual, which is its own can of worms. Aromantic is a word that probably only those who make a point of learning about different orientations will be familiar with.

Basically, not all the identities are included in part because not all of them are welcomed by everyone.

But not all the identities will be included even when we want to be all inclusive. There are so many that people often aren't sure how to include all of them, which is where the plus sign in LGBTQ+ comes into play. It's an attempt to be all inclusive, although some letters are inevitably favored over others.

Special note:

Not all asexual or intersex individuals consider themselves to be queer, but many do. 

Brief definitions for words that might not be known or which are often argued about:

Aromantic: little to no romantic attraction
Asexual: little to no sexual attraction 
Bisexual: attraction to two or more genders (there is overlap here with pansexual)
Non-binary: genders that don't fall into the binary man/woman way of thinking
Pansexual: attraction to all genders
TERF: trans exclusionary radical feminist, a.k.a. someone who uses their idea of feminism to argue that a "real woman" needs to be born with a vagina

photo from a Pride parade, a rainbow made of balloons

How I Learn... also, More on Coffee

I learn best through hands on experience, which is probably why coffee has largely baffled me until recently. Sure, I know I like it. Usually. I often love it, even. But what what kinds are best? What's the difference between light and dark roast? Why are there so many freaking kinds of coffee? What the heck is even going on?

I'm finally getting a handle on it.

Like I said, I learn best through hands on experience, so my learning process is taking the form of roasting my own coffee beans. I was introduced to the idea of roasting my own coffee by a friend who tried roasting his own coffee for the first time recently, and was intrigued. Then I tasted the results, and I knew that I absolutely had to get my hands on the same green coffee beans he had roasted.

Fast forward to now, and I've finally figured out a few basic things such as what's going on with light versus dark roast. In particular, how you get one or the other (turns out it's all about how long the beans are roasted, not what kind of beans you get), and which one has more caffeine. I think I've figured out how to roast the particular beans I have to perfection, and I look forward to experimenting with other kinds of green coffee beans in the future. After all, I'm pretty sure that different beans roast differently, so I'm sure there's plenty more for me to learn.

freshly roasted coffee beans next to ground coffee

Brewing Green Coffee: take one

early and later during brewing

Just the other day I learned that green coffee is a thing. Intrigued, I decided that I must try brewing this for myself, particularly I already happened to have green coffee beans on hand.

The recipe I used:

1 part green coffee beans
3 parts water

Bring to a rolling boil, then simmer for 12 minutes.

Sad to say, my first effort at green coffee was somewhat less than a stunning success.

I think my mistake lay in using too little water for the pot I used. I had half a cup of beans to one and a half cups of water, which came out to being about an inch of water in the smallest pot I had available. In the end I had a little less than half a cup of green coffee to show for my efforts, and it was too bitter for my taste. Green coffee is apparently going to be bitter in any event, but I suspect this was more bitter than it would have been if I hadn't lost over two thirds to evaporation.

what little green coffee I got out of it

Rather than being disappointed I just see this as a learning experience. Ok, so I'm a little disappointed that I didn't at least find it drinkable (even with honey added), but I'm not really surprised either. This seems like the kind of thing that takes experimentation and practice, and now I know that a better water to pot size ratio is essential. Which wasn't entirely a surprise, although I misjudged how much evaporation would happen.

As to why green coffee is a thing? I'm personally experimenting with it just to try coffee in another form. A brief perusal of information regarding green coffee will reveal people talking about all kinds of health benefits, not to mention that green coffee contains more caffeine than roasted coffee. Just like a light roast contains more caffeine than a dark roast, because roasting reduces the caffeine. I haven't been interested enough to take in all the health benefits of it, but that info is out there for anyone who's interested.

saving the beans after

Have you tried green coffee? Did you like it? Or have you made your own, and if so how did you do it? I'm full of curiosity. :)

Laugh with me (and at me)

In going through old diaries of mine there are certain subjects which can easily reduce me to giggles. I came across one entry from February 2011 that was too entertaining to keep to myself, and I must share it for the amusement of others. I was twenty-one, and completely inexperienced in dating. I was also still deeply closeted, hence my complete failure to mention also falling for women.

... ... ...

I've got to either stop falling for guys, or become more bold. Or fall for a guy who isn't discouraged by my lack of flirtation skills.

Problem is, I'm shy enough approaching people at the best of times. When I've got a crush on that person, the stakes are higher, so it's even harder...

But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Wait, am I giving myself a pep talk here? A pep talk about my love life. Great.

If I'm not good at flirting should I just write love notes? Love poems? I'm told I'm a good writer...ok, that's what my mom tells me.

A Letter to Myself for 2018

What have I learned in the past year? What do I need to remember and bring with me into the next year?

First and foremost on my mind, today, is the subject of relationships. Last spring I told the man who I had previously promised to spend my life with to never contact me again. I cannot possibly explain what brought me to that point in a brief blog post, nor is it something that I am ready to talk about so openly, but I can share a few of the things I learned that led me to walking away from him. One thing I had to learn is that my needs are more important than any other person's wants. Another is that I should not silence or hide who I am for the sake of anyone or any relationship. These are things that I had known in theory, but not fully believed were applicable to myself. In truth, there are still times I'm not fully convinced that these facts apply to me, which is why I'm starting this letter with them. Also, just for good measure, believe someone when they show you who they are.

(Yes, I know that previous paragraph is pure vagueblogging. Bear with me. Or not. Whatever.)

Later in the year I was also fortunate enough to learn from another person what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like. That relationship has just ended, and whatever I've learned from it is too fresh for me to distill down to a few key sentences, so all I'll say about it here and now is to remember that it's possible.

And of course, these are lessons that are applicable far beyond romantic relationships. I need to bring them into all facets of my life.

The other subject which comes to mind is my mental health. I think the only thing I have really learned in the last year is that I'm not the person I was before my "anxiety meltdown," and that's ok. It just means that I need to learn how my brain works now, which is annoying, but that's just how life goes sometimes.

There are other lessons I've become aware of during the past year, but which haven't really seeped into me yet. If I have any resolutions for the coming year, one is for the following to seep into my psyche enough that I remember it when I freeze with panic: Take baby steps to do something, and then let the feeling of completion set in. Just act, no matter how small. Once I really learn this, I think my life will become somewhat easier.

If I'm going to have a second resolution, it's to get into the habit of sharing my experiences and thoughts again. To that end, I intend to resume blogging or vlogging. Whichever feels more appealing to me at any given moment is fine, I just want to stop hiding myself from the world. I think that's something I learned to do because of someone who is no longer in my life, and I think it's time to unlearn that habit.

Best of luck in 2018, and I look forward to whatever new lessons I may learn.

The solar eclipse, a highlight of my year.

Note: I felt the urge to write this after watching this Vlogbrothers video.

Shakespeare in Ashland

I'm currently in Ashland for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, and am here with a class from my university. I'd been planning to make a travel vlog to share on YouTube, but am having trouble finding a good place to record. I could use my hostel room, but I'm worried about sound carrying and bothering others staying there. I could also find a quiet place at the local park, but it's too freaking hot for that. So I'm finding myself coming back tot his blog, as I've been meaning to do for quite a while.

So far we've seen two plays: The Merry Wives of Windsor, and 1 Henry IV. I'll leave descriptions of them for another time, because I need to write about both performances for school anyways. I'll probably put those writings on my book blog. In a few hours we'll be watching Shakespeare in Love, which surprised me because I had expected that we would only be studying Shakespeare's work. That's still our focus, but I suspect this last play will lend itself to discussion that we already have about how people today interact with the idea of Shakespeare and his works.

I haven't done much during this trip aside from seeing the plays and meeting with classmates for discussions about Shakespeare. What little I have done is visit the local park, get food, and find my way to my hostel. I might have done more if I hadn't been so tired; I got no sleep Thursday night and had been awake for well over twenty-four hours by the time I got to sleep at about midnight last night. Despite almost five hours of sleep I'm still tired, and was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times during 1 Henry IV. I'd been considering finding my way back to the hostel for a nap before the evening play, but the battle scene woke me up. It turns out that gunfire, strobe lights, and the smell of smoke will wake a person up.

Yes, they seriously brought the sense of smell into play during the battle scene. I've never seen (or smelled) that done before, and although I hope that anyone who needed an inhaler had one handy, it added a sense of reality to the fighting that was incredible.

A dream of whip cream

Did I say that I'd wait to talk about the plays? Oops. Let's just say that I'm still excitable about how they did the battle. Even with the warning ahead of time of what we the audience should expect I was still taken by surprise at its effect. 

...so now I'm sitting in a coffee shop, having given up momentarily on trying to make notes on the performances to keep them fresh in my mind for when I need to write about them. Writing this post is easy enough, but that's difficult for some reason.

And because I want to share some kind of photo, but would rather wait until I've had a chance to properly go through my photos before sharing any of Ashland, here's a freaking amazing drink that I found. It has whip cream in the middle. EEEEEE.

Now it's back to attempting to write notes on the performances. Hopefully this will have jump started me enough that I don't freeze up again. And hopefully this post doesn't require too much editing, because it's not going to get any. Such brain power is needed more elsewhere.

Thoughts Since Election Night

This is who my country is?

How was I so blind?

How do we survive this?

I expected harassment of and violence against minorities to increase, but I didn't think it would happen this quickly.*

I've been naive about who my country is, stuck in my Portland bubble.

How do I educate myself to ensure that I better understand the people of my country? 

I know people love dystopians these days, but did we really have to vote to live in one?

Can the Pacific Northwest secede?**

What can we do to ensure that we lose as few rights as possible?

Ok, so Hillary won the popular vote, but that's still a lot of people who voted Trump, which is unsettling.

Can we get rid of the electoral vote finally? Please? This is twice in my lifetime that the candidate who won the majority vote lost the electoral, and so didn't become president, and this is ridiculous.

I'm scared. For myself and others.

I want to go back into the closet.

At least I have that option, some other minorities can't hide what they are.

How many are going back into the closet? And how many will choose not to come out because of this?

No, I can't go back in the closet for a variety of reasons. In fact, it's time to finally walk in the Pride Parade.

This would be a good time to get a bunch of safety pins.***

Aaaand...there Trump goes, saying he won't repeal Obamacare when that was one of his major running points.

Why is everyone so surprised?

Hello, Trump does what's best for Trump, including saying and promising whatever he had to to get elected. Let's just hope that what's best for Trump doesn't fuck us over too much.

I regret having been silent on the topic of politics and the danger Trump poses.

I regret allowing my former significant other to all but silence me on the subject of politics for almost five years.

I regret that I chose silence over the pain of being told by someone -- someone who said that he loved me -- that voting Democrat is an insult to my intelligence. I regret that I chose silence as a way to avoid arguments with him.

I'm tired of being quiet. It's time to speak up.

More thoughts:



*Hate crimes against minorities increased significantly within the twenty-four hours following the election.

**There is actually discussion about this, and while it has a certain appeal I question if it's called for at this point.

***After Brexit safety pins were worn by people as an indication that they are allies of minorities. Some are doing that in the USA now.

Grilled Cheese and Bacon Sandwich

the sandwich, minus a bite

I've developed my own way of making a grilled cheese sandwich (with optional bacon) and I finally decided to share.

Yeah, this is a simple recipe, and heck it's a grilled cheese sandwich. I think everyone knows how to make it. But I've missed sharing recipes so I figured why not. And I was enjoying the photography side of things a bit too much, so there are also lots of photos along the way.

the ingredients

Ingredients
Bread
Precooked bacon
Cheese
Olive oil
Minced onions
Garlic powder
Thyme

Instructions

Apply olive oil to one side of each bread slice using a brush.

each photo will just be showing each step, so I'll stop the captions

Sprinkle a generous amount of garlic onto the bread, but a bit less of the onions and thyme.

Put a pan on the stove and set the temperature to the higher end of medium. Let it warm for a minute or so.

Once the pan is warm put one bread slice in, and add the cheese and bacon. Criss cross the bacon while making sure that you can see through the slices. Add a bit more garlic for good measure.

Confession: I really like garlic. I mean, I really like it. As in, when I get my own kitchen again I want to put a shrine to garlic in the corner of it.

Add more cheese on top of that.

Note: I place bacon in the middle of the cheese, and make sure that it can seep through, because that's a good way to hold the sandwich together once it's done. It's just as yummy whichever way you do it, though.

Finally add the other slice of bread, and flip when browned.

Ta da! Yummy sandwich.

Birthday

My birthday was a couple days ago, and I wanted to make a video on the day. To keep my thoughts straight I read something to read for it....which is below. The video is here, if anyone wants to see it.

... ... ...

I used to think that my birthdays would never bother me, that I would grow older without being phased by the passing time. And on one hand that's so: I delight in each new white hair I find on my head, enjoying the contrast they make against the dark hair I was born with. But although my age doesn't bother me, I've found that each year around my birthday I wonder what I've done with my life. It's so easy to focus on what I feel are my failures, so perhaps I should take a moment to think about what I've accomplished.

I'm fairly decent at writing, although I haven't been doing much of it lately. Worth mentioning though, in 2009 one of my poems was published in the magazine Cricket.

I'm told that I'm great at photography. And if I may say so myself, I am pretty good at it.

I'm talented at a variety of hand crafts, such as: needlework, spinning yarn, crochet...and more, but I don't feel like listing everything I can do.

I've competed internationally with the Sweet Adeline's chorus Pride of Portland, and in 2009 we took ninth place at internationals in Hawaii.

I'm very close to completing my English degree at Marylhurst University. I spend a lot of time worrying about what a barrier anxiety and depression are in completing my degree, since I'm very aware that I should have graduated by now. But I should probably also remember that it's taken a lot of work to get where I am now.

And, I've always managed to work my way through anxiety and depression. I still struggle, and I'm sure I'll always have my ups and downs, but to have gotten past the really tough times in the past is something.

So maybe, maybe next year, I'll be able to think about all this and my other accomplishments rather than scrutinizing what I haven't succeeded in yet.

A photo of stairs that I took on my birthday

Gender Tag

Over on my YouTube channel I did the Gender Tag a few weeks back. I decided to also write my responses to the gender tag...which should be interesting, particularly since my understanding of my gender has changed since I did that tag.

If you're curious about who started the gender tag and why I'd recommend reading up on it here. It's actually supposed to be a YouTube thing, and I'll put the video I made down at the bottom.

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I am gender fluid, which means that my experience with my gender can change. When I first realized I'm genderqueer I was a woman and demiguy, but realized it's more complicated than that when I woke up one morning feeling no connection to any gender at all. You know, agender. At the moment my gender is back to being somewhat feminine, and I'm kind of missing feeling part guy. If that makes sense.

But yeah, I'm gender fluid. Or gender complicated, as I sometimes call it in my head.

2. What pronouns honor you?

I'm happy with she/her, and I wonder if I might also be comfortable with he/him if I'm feeling and presenting more masculine. That hasn't been put to the test, however.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

This has changed over time, and I now realize that that's probably partially due in part to how my experience with gender changes. For much of the past couple years it's been more feminine but with definite hints of masculinity, like professional shoes and a watch that aren't precisely feminine. But I'm kind of starting to explore...it's still feminine pretty often, but I also want to experiment. And during my agender week I was definitely avoiding my more feminine clothing.
 
4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

My hair style has been changing...for quite a few years I kept it up in a tight knot secured with a hair stick, but now I'm wearing it down much of the time. I definitely don't have facial hair, and I shave my armpits and legs.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

In the past year I discovered the joy of makeup. Let's just say it's a fun play toy. I've also started having my nails painted pretty much constantly. I don't like perfumes, or even scented deodorant, but I do have some nicely scented Axe body wash I've started using that I really like.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

This question always brings to mind an experience I had when I was a teen. My younger sibling and I took some dance classes together, and when there were dances with gendered parts I always wanted to dance the guy's part. And that was pretty much always allowed. However, this one teacher insisted on pairing siblings, which put Tall One and me together and the other two girls in the class with each other. Apparently the only proper way to do things, so far as this teacher was concerned, was for siblings of opposite genders to dance together...?

This left me pretty upset since I really wanted to learn the guys part, and after figuring gender stuff out it finally makes sense.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I thought I didn't, but then I had the agender thing happening for maybe a week. During that time I wanted to bind my breasts, which was a surprise to me, and towards the end I finally gave in and tried binding for a few hours one evening. Based on the relief I felt I'm going to say that I occasionally feel dysphoria, enough that I want to get a binder at some point but rarely enough that it probably won't see much use.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

Let's just say that my feelings towards kids is complicated. On one hand I've kind of always wanted kids, on the other hand I'm kind of scared of screwing up being a parent.
 
9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

I'm going to pretend that "family" means significant other. I'd like to be able to provide, for in case that becomes necessary, but I don't care if I'm the breadwinner. I also don't care who makes more money. As for dates...the way it works with me and my significant other is that whoever has more money pays. Or if we're somehow equally broke, we split the check. That works pretty well for us. As for others paying when I'm out and about, unless it's my parents I tend to be uncomfortable letting someone else pay for me. I'm not sure why.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

For some years I'd been wanting to change my name from Sarita to something else, but every name I considered was too feminine. When I figured out I'm gender complicated I finally started looking at gender neutral names...which is how I found and embraced Raine. It's now legally my name, but since I don't want to abandon Sarita entirely it's now my middle name.

The New Year

New Year's Resolutions:

1) Actually stick to exercising
2) Get myself closer to where I should be mental-health-wise
3) Graduate

...and I guess I'll stick to that for my official resolutions. I have other things I want to do, like make some money off my photography, get a real camera (my iPhone can only do so much), and knit a scarf (not loom knitting, but with knitting needles). But I'm so scatter brained right now (thanks, depression and anxiety) that I'll stick to three main goals.

I already got a start on exercise, and on a photography project. I've made an Instagram account separate from my Earth Worshipper Photography stuff, and plan to post a photo a day throughout the year as a way to document it. Maybe not an original idea, but I think it'll be fun.

Here's a photo (ok, two photos smashed together) of me exercising. I have this fascination with how windows turn into mirrors at night, and since our exercise bike is right next to a big window it was pretty natural for me to take photos.

Posting Schedule

At the start of this week I told myself that I would start doing two things for the next couple months. I got started on one, which was to post a video every Monday on my YouTube channel (which is thus far nameless). The other item on my to do list was to post something to my blog every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That one...I've kind of neglected until now.

This isn't to say that I'll only put up one video per week, or that I'll only write three blog posts every week. I may do more. But that's the minimum, and I'm hoping that the schedule will help me not get sidetracked.

As to what else I want this post to be about...I don't know. I guess this is just a "FYI I want to do this, and I'm sharing my plan so that I'll actually stick to it" post.

Funny thing is, it isn't that I haven't had anything to talk about...but I've been having trouble with depression (I talked a bit about it here) and on top of that, I had to put down my pet rat Kora. She was old, had lived a long time, and she was so weak that it was obviously time. It was still tough, though.

And now, just for the heck of it, a photo I took recently.

A photo posted by Raine Rucker (@earth_worshipper_photography) on Dec 25, 2015 at 5:17pm PST

Learning Photography

I don't know how young I was when I got my first camera, but I was young enough to enjoy photographing butts. The response to my obsession with photographing butts ranged from intense irritation to shrugging it off as just something kids do. Fortunately, my camera was never confiscated.

Along the way I've photographed many different things. Nature. My barbies. Trees. My family. Dead trees. Our pets. Landscapes. And just anything that caught my attention...which I think even from early on was largely nature related.

I've hardly had any formal training. Early on I was taught a bit about composition by my dad, who used to be am amateur photographer and even participated in competitions. I think he even had a dark room in his house before I was born. (It would have been awesome if he'd still had one when I was growing up.) Then when I got to Portland Community College I took a class in digital photography.

And that, my friends, is the extent of any actual education I have in photography.

Virtually all I've learned is from trial and error, and saying "Hey, will that work?" Sometimes shots that I think will be awesome just don't turn out as imagined. And sometimes photos that I think will be terrible result in my best photography. Sometimes I stick to the rules, sometimes I throw them out the window, and in both cases I've gotten great photos. So basically, trial and error while being willing to ignore the rules, but also being able to follow the rules. I even stick to the rules most of the time, since they do exist for a reason.

Moral of the story: just play with a camera, and with the rules. Remember that the rules are more like guidelines. Don't try to make every shot perfect. There's really no point in that. It's an impossible goal, so just accept that you'll take more bad photos than good ones. Realizing that allows me to experiment and figure out what works.

And just for the heck of it, here's a video where I explored the contents of my old camera bag. I hadn't touched it in years, and it had a pleasant surprise that rendered me temporarily speechless.



Coming soon...what I love about photography, and projects that I'm kind of working on. I'll probably also share what's on those disposable cameras once I finally get them developed.