Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Gender Tag

Over on my YouTube channel I did the Gender Tag a few weeks back. I decided to also write my responses to the gender tag...which should be interesting, particularly since my understanding of my gender has changed since I did that tag.

If you're curious about who started the gender tag and why I'd recommend reading up on it here. It's actually supposed to be a YouTube thing, and I'll put the video I made down at the bottom.

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I am gender fluid, which means that my experience with my gender can change. When I first realized I'm genderqueer I was a woman and demiguy, but realized it's more complicated than that when I woke up one morning feeling no connection to any gender at all. You know, agender. At the moment my gender is back to being somewhat feminine, and I'm kind of missing feeling part guy. If that makes sense.

But yeah, I'm gender fluid. Or gender complicated, as I sometimes call it in my head.

2. What pronouns honor you?

I'm happy with she/her, and I wonder if I might also be comfortable with he/him if I'm feeling and presenting more masculine. That hasn't been put to the test, however.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

This has changed over time, and I now realize that that's probably partially due in part to how my experience with gender changes. For much of the past couple years it's been more feminine but with definite hints of masculinity, like professional shoes and a watch that aren't precisely feminine. But I'm kind of starting to explore...it's still feminine pretty often, but I also want to experiment. And during my agender week I was definitely avoiding my more feminine clothing.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

My hair style has been changing...for quite a few years I kept it up in a tight knot secured with a hair stick, but now I'm wearing it down much of the time. I definitely don't have facial hair, and I shave my armpits and legs.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

In the past year I discovered the joy of makeup. Let's just say it's a fun play toy. I've also started having my nails painted pretty much constantly. I don't like perfumes, or even scented deodorant, but I do have some nicely scented Axe body wash I've started using that I really like.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

This question always brings to mind an experience I had when I was a teen. My younger sibling and I took some dance classes together, and when there were dances with gendered parts I always wanted to dance the guy's part. And that was pretty much always allowed. However, this one teacher insisted on pairing siblings, which put Tall One and me together and the other two girls in the class with each other. Apparently the only proper way to do things, so far as this teacher was concerned, was for siblings of opposite genders to dance together...?

This left me pretty upset since I really wanted to learn the guys part, and after figuring gender stuff out it finally makes sense.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I thought I didn't, but then I had the agender thing happening for maybe a week. During that time I wanted to bind my breasts, which was a surprise to me, and towards the end I finally gave in and tried binding for a few hours one evening. Based on the relief I felt I'm going to say that I occasionally feel dysphoria, enough that I want to get a binder at some point but rarely enough that it probably won't see much use.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

Let's just say that my feelings towards kids is complicated. On one hand I've kind of always wanted kids, on the other hand I'm kind of scared of screwing up being a parent.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

I'm going to pretend that "family" means significant other. I'd like to be able to provide, for in case that becomes necessary, but I don't care if I'm the breadwinner. I also don't care who makes more money. As for dates...the way it works with me and my significant other is that whoever has more money pays. Or if we're somehow equally broke, we split the check. That works pretty well for us. As for others paying when I'm out and about, unless it's my parents I tend to be uncomfortable letting someone else pay for me. I'm not sure why.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

For some years I'd been wanting to change my name from Sarita to something else, but every name I considered was too feminine. When I figured out I'm gender complicated I finally started looking at gender neutral names...which is how I found and embraced Raine. It's now legally my name, but since I don't want to abandon Sarita entirely it's now my middle name.