Finding Me

It's difficult to fully trust yourself when, on some level, you know you aren't being fully honest with yourself about some basic facts. I think I've known this subconsciously for some time, and I guess it's in the past year that the dialogue in my head started really making progress towards me figuring things out. Here's an abbreviated version of what went on in my head space.

What makes someone a man or a woman?

Wait...if I don't know the answer to that, then how do I know I'm a woman? But I obviously am. I know that I am.

 And why does "cisgender" feel weird when I apply it to myself?

I feel...like multiple genders? Like I'm not just a woman? No, that's weird...

I'm seriously asking, is there a word for someone who's a woman but also sort of a guy?

Oh, yeah...bigender.

Bigender = a person with two genders

Maybe I'm still sorting out my gender on some level, but bigender is the best word I've found for how I feel. I am a woman. I also have a masculine gender, which I'm calling demiguy for lack of finding a better word.

Finally acknowledging this to myself is a huge relief. I'm also laughing to myself, since there are some things that make sense in this light. Things that made me think some time ago that my gender might be a tad bit complicated, though I never said anything about it. How am I supposed say something when the words I need haven't really sunk into my consciousness yet?

The best thing is that I've become more sure of myself since this realization. More confident in myself. And I've seen other positive changes in me. For one thing, I'm now finding that I'm able to get myself places, alone, without freaking out about it. Given the agoraphobia I've dealt with for over a year, this is quite an accomplishment. And proving how calmly I can handle taking the bus by myself again, I went alone to get a tattoo that I've been wanting for a while. The tattoo is a topic for another post, though. :)

But aside from getting back to how I was before my big anxiety meltdown last year, I'm also becoming a person I've wanted to be for years. I'm learning to not constantly think that if something isn't going right, then it must be my fault. And I'm finally learning to not beat myself up so much over my failings, to just make mental notes about how I can do better next time.

It's good to finally be honest with myself, and it's a relief to finally be getting back to who I am. Perhaps the best bit is just being more comfortable with myself.

Halloween cat on textbooks

And, because I'm a student who ought to be studying on Samhain, here's a Halloween cat sitting on textbooks! And yes, I did use that Jane Austen novel for the ethics class, so those two books do actually go together.

I hope everyone has had a good Halloween and/or Samhain, or whatever else you might celebrate when the veil is thin. My Samhain has mostly been a mixture of getting the tattoo and sleeping, and I went to a Halloween party last night with my boyfriend. Before the night is out I also ought to do something creative, I've found that I always have the urge to make something on Samhain. I don't know why. Maybe as a sort of reminder that even though this is a day to remember those who have passed before, life goes on.

Sabine and Samhain

My emotions have been pretty mixed today.

First of all, Sabine. I managed to get a vet appointment for her today to help me determine if it was time to help her on her way. I'd already begun to resign myself to it last night, but wanted to see what my vet said first. After finding out that her condition was worse than I had realized (for example, a bizarre heartbeat) I decided it was time.

Putting down a rat is different from how a cat is put down. It's easy to find a vein on a cat, but rats are too small. So they put Sabine under with gas, first in a chamber and then fit a mask over her head. Once she was asleep they put an injection straight into her heart. It took a bit for her to fall asleep, but she went really quickly after the injection.

I'll get her ashes in a few weeks.

Despite my morning, the day wasn't all bad. I spent it with my boyfriend, who has a knack for making me feel better. He took me out for beer and pizza, and we cuddled while watching movies together. We also celebrated our three year anniversary, which was really last weekend but we'd decided to combine it with Samhain this year.

As for Samhain, I haven't done much for that so far today. I guess I've been too busy thinking about Sabine. But I have listened to a couple Samhain songs in the last couple days, including this one by Heather Alexander.

Imbolc

Today is Imbolc, or Brighid's day. I haven't done much, other than experimenting with new ways to cook bacon and cuddling my boyfriend. No, not at the same time. Not sure how well cuddling and cooking would work if you tried them both at once...

I do want to share a song, though. It's the same one I shared last Imbolc, but it's worth repeating.



And now that Imbolc is here, it looks like the local weather is going to get colder. So much for the winter weather being past, as I'd thought it was. I'm just going to say that if it snows, I want an actual snowfall, not just the little bit that normally happens when people panic over snow in Portland.

To turkey or not to turkey?

It seems that most people are surprised when I say that my family doesn't eat turkey for Thanksgiving. Sure, I guess it's sort of traditional. But why bother when no one in the family is really wild about it? We used to serve it regardless, but there were a couple things that made us give up on it.

Tall One stopped eating turkey at a young age because he chased one on a school field trip, and apparently decided that they're too nice to be eaten. He doesn't remember this, but maybe that incident had more of an impact than anyone realized since he's now vegetarian. Not that this stops us from putting meat on the table, but that's one less person the delicious dead animal flesh (actually, muscle I think) would be for.

I guess I'm the one who started the whole vegetarian thing, though. Not that I'd intended to start anything. I was the first to turn vegetarian, for ethical reasons. Then mom and Tall One converted, and though mom tried it twice she couldn't stick with it for health reasons. Eventually my own dietary needs changed and I also gave up being vegetarian, so now my brother is the lone vegetarian in the family. Still, there was one Thanksgiving during which all three of us were vegetarian, and since dad wasn't overly concerned about turkey I think that was the first time without it.

Since then, we just haven't seen the point of it when other things are yummier. You know, like roast beef. Yummy roast beef served with baked potatoes and plenty of seasoning, especially garlic...dangit I'm making myself drool. There was also macaroni and cheese that mom cooked today, but I wasn't interested in any of that.

What do you eat for Thanksgiving? Why? Do you stick to the traditional food, make your own traditions, or just eat whatever the you feel like eating?

Spoiled rotten princess

Apparently it isn't Thanksgiving unless Saphira is on the table. Dad spoils that cat, and both of my parents were feeding her meat during the meal.

I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving, and were lucky enough to get the day off!

Veterans Day

For some reason it's always been awkward for me to say thank you on Veterans Day. I don't know why, it just always has been. But since dating a vet it's become more important for me to figure out how to deal with that awkwardness and say thanks.

So, all vets, thank you.

Maybe I could write a longer post, but I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Detail Of American Flag by Petr Kratochvil

The above post is what I wrote last year. Since I wasn't sure what to write this year I figured I may as well copy and paste.

And yes, I know this post is rather late in the day. But I've been a bit busy spending the day with my favorite vet, the boyfriend. Let's just say that I've learned some restaurants give good discounts to vets on this day, which I think is really nice of them.

Samhain

I admit it, I'm one of those Pagans who requests time off from work for Samhain. And this year I decided that I may as well make it a four day weekend, so I also requested Friday off. Happily, I got off the days I requested.

As I said yesterday this was perhaps the best Samhain/Halloween I've had. Which may be a little strange since we didn't get any trick-or-treaters at my parent's house, and I didn't dress up. However, I did spend the day with my wonderful boyfriend. We watched some movies, including some old Halloween episodes from the Simpsons. He'd also said that he wanted to read me some Edgar Allan Poe poetry, and I said that I will not argue with my boyfriend wanting to read me Poe on Halloween.

Of course, Samhain is also a time to remember those who have passed in the last year. And this year I remember...

Socks, an elderly cat who finally needed to be helped on his way in January. He was a very interesting cat, who liked to bite yet somehow was very sweet. My parents got him for me when I was young, but was eventually more attached to mom than to me. Still, towards the end, he took to sleeping on the foot of my bed and then under it.

Beka, a pet rat who had been very sick and who I'd still hoped to save. We lost her the day after Socks. I remember her stealing an acorn off my altar and bringing it back to me before munching on it, and also that she would lick my face when I cried. She was absolutely lovely.

Grandma, who passed just a couple weeks ago. She'd been in hospice so it wasn't a surprise, and we had known she was in her final days. Still, I'm not sure how to deal with it. I've finally realized that mixed in with my grief is resentment, since she'd never seemed really interested in meeting my brother and me, though she said she was proud of us and loved us. Regardless, it's hitting me hard, as evidenced by the fact that my migraines started within a week after she first went into hospice last May. It took me until the migraine that developed when we knew she was in her final days to make the connection, though.

Great-grandma Sadie, who died before I was born. Towards the end grandma said her mom had visited her and told her that she would be home soon. I also want to mention that I was the first girl born in the family after grandma Sadie died, and am named for her. I've got the name Sarita instead of Sadie though because she apparently hated her name, and both of these names are forms of Sarah.

I also spent some of Samhain spinning yarn. I don't know why, but it somehow seems appropriate to create things on that day. Maybe because even though all lives eventually end the world still goes on, and making things is a good way to remind myself of that.

Samhain

I'm not in the mood to write much today, but I do want to share a song that I've been saving to share this month.

A Samhain song by Heather Alexander.



There is at least one more Samhain song to follow later this month.

For those who are unfamiliar with this Pagan holiday, it's a time when the veil between this world and the other is thin. Therefore one might say that it is a time of great spookiness, and it's also a time to honor the dead. And although I don't often think of it, judging from this song it is also a celebration of finally finishing up the harvest.

Beltane

Beltane. The day when people dance the May Pole and have fun sexy times. Basically, a giant fertility festival.

But I was also taught that it can be more than what immediate comes to mind when you hear the word "fertility." That it can also mean abundance. Or, that it's a good time to celebrate having the means to support yourself comfortably...or that it's a good time to do some work to get to where you have enough to live quite comfortably.

Hmm, not sure if that makes sense...?

Anyways, because I just have to, here is a song. I was trying to find a particular Omnia piece when I happened across this interesting band called Beltaine. I took an instant liking to them, and decided that they might be appropriate to share today given the day and their name.


In other news, I got a call today about a possible job. Interview is tomorrow. Wish me luck. :)

Imbolc

Goddess of fire, Goddess of healing,
Goddess of Spring, welcome again. 

I thought that I wasn't going to write about Imbolc this year. First I was writing about something else on the 1st, then I was sort of busy on the 2nd, and then I was sick on the 3rd...was recovering on the 4th...and after that I sort of gave up.

But the latest Pagan Blog Prompt has convinced me that it's not too late to write about celebrations, and what Imbolc means to me. :)




This year, my celebrating took the form of me just cleaning my room. I guess that's sort of trivial, and it's not like I had a huge job to do.

But as cleaned things up and wiped down surfaces, I thought about how just the act of cleaning can itself be a cleansing of sorts, even if you don't actually do any specific ritual or smudge. Even if the fanciest part of cleaning is wiping things down with a disinfecting wipe. Besides...ever heard of spring cleaning?

Which brings me to the next bit of what Imbolc is. It's a time to notice the earliest signs of spring. Things like the red-tailed hawks returning to my neighborhood, as they do each year to nest.

And of course, it is also an excellent day to honor Brighid. She's the goddess I'm most likely to turn to, so her day is pretty special to me. I wound up putting the following song on repeat, and the verse I started this post with are from it.

Resolutions?

Last year I didn't bother coming up with any resolutions. This year...maybe?

I do have some things I want to do, but they are just normal "well yeah duh" stuff.

1) Get my HDL cholesterol up where it needs to be
2) Find full time employment
3) Move out of my parents home
4) Get healthy, if at all possible

...that sort of thing. You know, things that were already on my to-do list. So I'm not sure that I could call them resolutions for the new year.

Maybe my only really proper new year resolutions are my reading challenges. (In which case I would have had resolutions after all last year, since I also did reading challenges then.) I have a page on my book blog about my reading challenges this year, and I also have a reading list of books that I intend to read this year.

Do you go for the whole new years resolutions thing? Or do you not really see the point?

So delicious...

Totally off topic I know, but BROWNIES!!! :) I made Balrog Brownies last night, which are delicious and have several kinds of chocolate in them. So yummy...

A new year

Just minutes to the new year, and I was on Facebook. I suddenly realized that I did not want to enter the new year on Facebook, so I closed down the browser and picked up a book of poetry. I was on "Birches" by Robert Frost when people started making lots of noise in my neighborhood. I assume that marked midnight. I don't know, I had my eyes on a poem and didn't want to look up. :)

It's less than 24 hours into the new year, but already it seems pretty good. At 1am I got cozy with hot ginger tea and heating pads on my cold feet, and started reading The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. The first book is on loan from my boyfriend, and I intend to read the whole series this year.

...and that was about the extent of my celebrating, aside from eating steak (in oyster sauce!) at a nice restaurant that I went to with mom and dad last evening. Mom and Tall One decided to go to bed early, so I was pretty much left to my own devices yesterday, and they don't seem to have plans today.

Though, I did get to see Murray yesterday afternoon. We watched a couple of Glee episodes at his place, determined that I still don't have a taste for beer, and I cried over a Glee song. Murray isn't used to seeing me cry, and asked if he hurt me. Gosh I love that man. ♡

Happy 2013!

Loot

A day late, here is my post-Christmas post. You know, the one where I detail all the loot I got, since I would have felt bad bragging about it on Christmas day. You know, because that day is supposed to be all about giving. :)

Christmas was pretty small this year. My boyfriend gave me a bathrobe that is remarkably warm. From my family I got two iTunes gift cards, lots of tea light candles, chocolate, and a book. (Which reminds me, Magaly gave me a Kindle book!) Oh, and...

D&D "coupon"

Mom made a "coupon" for me to redeem with her, that gives me a one year subscription to Dungeons & Dragons. I finally finally FINALLY have access to all the content now.

Finally.

The Bones plushies

The present I've made the most fuss over are these plushies. They're some of the main characters from Jeff Smith Bone graphic novels. I fell in love with Bone a few years ago, and when I saw these in a catalog I told mom that I wanted them. I expect that they will one day have a place of honor on my book shelves. When I have book shelves again :)

Merry Christmas!

The tree! And yes, I have blacked out names on things.

I have a confession. Late last night (just past midnight) I snuck into into the living room to photograph the tree. It would be my last chance to photograph it in the dark with presents under it, and finally all the presents were there.

Problem was...all the presents were there. And Santa doesn't wrap his gifts before delivering to my family, so I sort of accidentially found out what Santa gave us early.

I didn't want to confess to mom though, so she'll find out via this blog post.

Sorry mom!

So, on to what I gave the family.

Kindle gift card

Dad can be hard to shop for. But mom recently got him a Kindle, so I went with her idea of giving him a Kindle gift card. It's also what Tall One got him...I think he and I both asked mom what we should get him, which is what usually seems to happen.

Earrings

Mom's pretty easy to shop for. If I can't think of anything else I look for earrings. I figured these purple diamonds (don't tell me diamonds can't be purple) (can they?) (I don't think so...) would be a good color on her.

MINECRAFT SWORD!!!

Tall One can be sort of hard to shop for. A good present for him usually has to be something practical, yet I also want to give him something fun. So I was extremely pleased to happen across this.

Ok, it's hardly practical, which I just said is what I try to give him. I doubt it's even strong enough for us to have sword fights if I were to buy another sword for myself. But he plays Minecraft, so the moment I happened across this pixilated Minecraft sword I just knew I had to get it for him.

Merry Christmas! The day is not yet over, so I'll probably have a post-Christmas post about it tomorrow.

Yule celebrations

Tall One started the Yule fire on 4pm on Thursday. Yes I know that the solstice was the following day. But the exact timing of the solstice was 3:12 am, which made Thursday night the longest night. And it was a pretty good night. And yes, I confess...I dozed some of the last two hours before dawn.

I'm not sure how to write this well without breaking it into sections, so that's what I'll do.

...

There had been a question about whether we should start with a candle instead of a proper fire in the fireplace. This is because Tall One had to go to band practice that evening, which would leave me tending the fire. All alone. And me tending the fire unsupervised...that doesn't work too well. We've tried it. I'm no longer afraid of fire, but I'm still not sure how to keep it alive. I had to admit this even though I felt slightly insulted at the suggestion that I should tend a candle instead of a proper fire.

Luckily this problem was resolved when I was able to get my wonderful boyfriend to come and help. He does know how to keep a fire going.

While waiting for Murray to show up I did have to tend the fire myself for maybe 50 minutes. During that time I discovered the wonders of what newspaper and bellows can do. I'm quite proud of myself.

...

Speaking of bellows, this is the fix Tall One did to fix the one he used.

The bellows duct taped up

It's been used in previous solstices (including a summer solstice I think), and had developed a hole. Plus it wasn't that well made/designed in the first place.

Mom thought my boyfriend had fixed it, I guess because she didn't expect my brother to have camouflage duct tape. And she knows my boyfriend served in the military.

...

No one else had really been interested in decorating for the season, and all that had been done was that mom brought home a tree and we got it in a stand. And we watered it, of course.

I finally brought out decorations and started putting them up. Photos of the tree will probably be coming soon.

...

Mom finished a puzzle, and she also finished Discworld: The Last Continent by Terry Pratchett.

...

After mom went to bed (supposedly only for a nap) Tall One and I played the card game bloody knuckles. Apparently there are at least two versions of this game, and I would like to mention that we play what seems to be the less violent version. But it's still acceptable to laugh at your sibling's pain.

...

When dawn came I went outside to greet the sun through the rain. Then I went to bed. I was tired.

It was a good night, though.

Yule!

Happy Yule!

Sunrise 6-24-12 J by Ronald Carlson

It is the time when the sun is reborn, and a time of new beginnings.

At the time that this post goes up I will be celebrating by keeping a fire going all night with my family. And if things go as planned, my boyfriend will have also come over for a little while.

I hope you enjoy the solstice, whether you celebrate it or not, and whether or not it holds any spiritual meaning to you.

Solstice music?

Snow covered tree

I was raised on Christmas music. I may not know all the lyrics to many songs, but I can at least sing bits of them or hum the tune.

I own several CDs of Christmas music. My family has more. I delight in playing my favorite Christmas CD every year. And yes I just linked to it on Amazon.com. Because I can't find the music on YouTube and it's too good to not share. :)

However...I'm Pagan. I do love Jesus, but I also celebrate the changing of the seasons. Sure, some Christmas music is actually very Pagan. (After all, Christmas has its roots in Paganism.) But I also want a CD of Pagan music about this holiday season.

In previous years I've turned to YouTube to try to find some of that Pagan music. Yet, even though I found songs that I liked, I didn't find anything that grabbed me enough that I remember it clearly a year later once we wound back around to the same season again. When I looked through my "winter holidays" playlist about a week ago I was like, "Oh, yeah, that. Sure..." I haven't even bothered listening to any of it this year, really.

It looks like I may just stick to Christmas music this year while wishing that I also had a Pagan CD to listen to.

If anyone does know of any Pagan CDs of seasonal music though...I'd be happy to hear about them. :) I'm also open to suggestions for Christmas music.

Bring Him Home Santa

I got this song stuck in my head last evening, and it's been popping into my head randomly today. I am going to take this as a sign that I need to share it here.

I think I've shared it every year since I first found it, but it's worth sharing again and again.

Be warned, it may make you cry.

Veterans Day

For some reason it's always been awkward for me to say thank you on Veterans Day. I don't know why, it just always has been. But since dating a vet it's become more important for me to figure out how to deal with that awkwardness and say thanks.

So, all vets, thank you.

Maybe I could write a longer post, but I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Detail Of American Flag by Petr Kratochvil

Samhain

Today on Samhain we remember our ancestors, as well as those who have passed in the last year.

Max McGregor
Someone whose I don't even know

I'll probably write more on my celebrations later. But for now I will say that on the 30th I carved pumpkins with my boyfriend, and gave the innards (minus the seeds) as an offering to the local fey. I even topped the pumpkin guts off with brown sugar. I figure that this is probably a good time for offerings since the veil is thin.

My jack-a-lanterns

Freedom = Responsibility

Today we celebrate our independence here in the states. But with independence and freedom comes responsibility, and that's what I want to write about today. Specifically, the responsibility of knowing what the Oregon Driver's Manual says about pedestrians and driving safely!!!!!!!!!
...sorry, this is a sore spot for me.

I don't know what the Driver's Manual for other states is, but let me give those in my own home state a brief review.

For drivers to know

1) Pedestrians typically have right of way. Some of us yield it to the big heavy cars and trucks, but we still have it. So give it to us!

2) Do not block any part of a cross walk with your vehicle when your car is stopped. This can cause a dangerous situation for pedestrians who are trying to cross the road.

3) There is a crosswalk at all intersections regardless of whether it is actually marked.

4) Don't start moving until the pedestrian has "cleared your lane", and "If you are turning at a signal, you must wait until pedestrians clear the lane you are turning in to, plus 6 feet of the next lane."

(Yes, I had to resort to quoting, never mind paraphrasing.)

If you want to review the info for yourself, the relevant pages are 79-80. Just two small pages. It isn't much!

For pedestrians to know

Here are just a few of the main problems I see, which are also addressed in the Driver's Manual.

1) Stop, look, and listen. I thought we learned this as kids? This means, don't suddenly walk into the road when cars are coming. Very unsafe!

2) Dress to bee seen. Wear bright or reflective clothing at night.

3) Do what the pedestrian crosswalk signs say!!! If you cross when they say not to, you'll probably mess up traffic.

4) Use the sidewalk if there is one. If not, walk at the left side of the road so you face oncoming traffic.

5) You don't have right of way when you aren't at an intersection.

Relevant pages are 81-2. Don't worry, it's actually less than a page total. And the info there could keep you alive.

So...

Yes, two of my major pet peeves are...

1) Drivers who make life difficult for pedestrians.

2) Pedestrians who make life difficult for drivers.

These pet peeves would disappear if people would follow the rules and play nice.

Happy Independence Day! Play nice and use your freedom responsibly. :)