Saturday, October 31, 2015

Finding Me

It's difficult to fully trust yourself when, on some level, you know you aren't being fully honest with yourself about some basic facts. I think I've known this subconsciously for some time, and I guess it's in the past year that the dialogue in my head started really making progress towards me figuring things out. Here's an abbreviated version of what went on in my head space.

What makes someone a man or a woman?

Wait...if I don't know the answer to that, then how do I know I'm a woman? But I obviously am. I know that I am.

 And why does "cisgender" feel weird when I apply it to myself?

I multiple genders? Like I'm not just a woman? No, that's weird...

I'm seriously asking, is there a word for someone who's a woman but also sort of a guy?

Oh, yeah...bigender.

Bigender = a person with two genders

Maybe I'm still sorting out my gender on some level, but bigender is the best word I've found for how I feel. I am a woman. I also have a masculine gender, which I'm calling demiguy for lack of finding a better word.

Finally acknowledging this to myself is a huge relief. I'm also laughing to myself, since there are some things that make sense in this light. Things that made me think some time ago that my gender might be a tad bit complicated, though I never said anything about it. How am I supposed say something when the words I need haven't really sunk into my consciousness yet?

The best thing is that I've become more sure of myself since this realization. More confident in myself. And I've seen other positive changes in me. For one thing, I'm now finding that I'm able to get myself places, alone, without freaking out about it. Given the agoraphobia I've dealt with for over a year, this is quite an accomplishment. And proving how calmly I can handle taking the bus by myself again, I went alone to get a tattoo that I've been wanting for a while. The tattoo is a topic for another post, though. :)

But aside from getting back to how I was before my big anxiety meltdown last year, I'm also becoming a person I've wanted to be for years. I'm learning to not constantly think that if something isn't going right, then it must be my fault. And I'm finally learning to not beat myself up so much over my failings, to just make mental notes about how I can do better next time.

It's good to finally be honest with myself, and it's a relief to finally be getting back to who I am. Perhaps the best bit is just being more comfortable with myself.

Halloween cat on textbooks

And, because I'm a student who ought to be studying on Samhain, here's a Halloween cat sitting on textbooks! And yes, I did use that Jane Austen novel for the ethics class, so those two books do actually go together.

I hope everyone has had a good Halloween and/or Samhain, or whatever else you might celebrate when the veil is thin. My Samhain has mostly been a mixture of getting the tattoo and sleeping, and I went to a Halloween party last night with my boyfriend. Before the night is out I also ought to do something creative, I've found that I always have the urge to make something on Samhain. I don't know why. Maybe as a sort of reminder that even though this is a day to remember those who have passed before, life goes on.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

How about "gender fluid"? I understand that's a current term!

Sarita Raine Rucker said...

I thought of that, but I'm pretty sure gender fluid indicates moving between different genders, whereas I feel both are present constantly.