Queer Questions

When someone asked me if I could clear up a few questions about the queer world for them, I was expecting something that I could answer in a few sentences. Instead, I got this:

Q: Why does the LGBTQ+ acronym include gender identities as well as sexual orientations? I know they aren't the same, and not all identities are included, so why are some of them?

I thought it would be easiest to type out an answer somewhere other than on FB Messenger, which brought me here. And since I'm typing it out here, I may as well hit the "publish" button when I'm done. So hey, new blog post!

Note: I tend to say queer instead of LGBTQ+. I personally prefer this because queer is more inclusive than LGBTQ+ since, as noted in the questions above, not all the identities are present in LGBTQ+. The downside to using queer is that not everyone is comfortable with it. I acknowledge that my preference here is an imperfect solution, and my choice is colored by the fact that I call myself queer.

1) Why does the LGBTQ+ acronym include gender identities as well as sexual orientations?

A look at queer history shows gays and trans people often working together. (I'm ignoring other identities for the moment because even though they've always been present, they often aren't mentioned). Trans people were present at the Stonewall riot, and it's often (incorrectly) said that it was a trans woman who threw the first brick. Watch the film "Paris is Burning," which is about Harlem drag culture in the 80's, and you see gay men and trans people working together to make a place they can exist in relative peace. If I had made a point to educate myself further on queer history, I have no doubt that I would easily list off other examples showing a close allyship between gays and trans people.

Additionally, many consider sexual orientation and gender identities to be closely linked, and the two are often regularly confused with each other. An example of the two becoming ridiculously confused is the theory of sexual inversion, in which it was believed that a gay man was simply a woman in their soul, and that it was that inner woman who wanted to be with a man. According to this theory, bisexuals would be part man and part woman. This was what sexologists used to believe and teach.

Whether people conflate trans identities and sexual orientation due to our natural close allyship described above, or if the allyship occurred because of people's confusing sexual orientations with gender identities, I don't know. Either way, it's there, and it's why gender identities and sexual orientations are in the same acronym.

2) Why aren't all the identities included?

Set aside everything I just said about a close allyship between the different queer identites. It's definitely there in many cases, as we see in the expanding acronym, but not everyone likes to play nice.

I wish we were one big happy queer family, but the fact is that we're all human and humans can really suck. Within our sometimes dysfunctional queer family, the "you're not queer enough" argument is regularly thrown at bisexuals, asexuals, and intersex people (some even outright deny the existence of these identities). TERFs deny the existence of trans people, and unfortunately plenty of TERFs are queer. Even trans people will sometimes deny the existence of non-binary genders. Many argue that pansexual is just a fancy word for bisexual, which is its own can of worms. Aromantic is a word that probably only those who make a point of learning about different orientations will be familiar with.

Basically, not all the identities are included in part because not all of them are welcomed by everyone.

But not all the identities will be included even when we want to be all inclusive. There are so many that people often aren't sure how to include all of them, which is where the plus sign in LGBTQ+ comes into play. It's an attempt to be all inclusive, although some letters are inevitably favored over others.

Special note:

Not all asexual or intersex individuals consider themselves to be queer, but many do. 

Brief definitions for words that might not be known or which are often argued about:

Aromantic: little to no romantic attraction
Asexual: little to no sexual attraction 
Bisexual: attraction to two or more genders (there is overlap here with pansexual)
Non-binary: genders that don't fall into the binary man/woman way of thinking
Pansexual: attraction to all genders
TERF: trans exclusionary radical feminist, a.k.a. someone who uses their idea of feminism to argue that a "real woman" needs to be born with a vagina

photo from a Pride parade, a rainbow made of balloons

Thoughts Since Election Night

This is who my country is?

How was I so blind?

How do we survive this?

I expected harassment of and violence against minorities to increase, but I didn't think it would happen this quickly.*

I've been naive about who my country is, stuck in my Portland bubble.

How do I educate myself to ensure that I better understand the people of my country? 

I know people love dystopians these days, but did we really have to vote to live in one?

Can the Pacific Northwest secede?**

What can we do to ensure that we lose as few rights as possible?

Ok, so Hillary won the popular vote, but that's still a lot of people who voted Trump, which is unsettling.

Can we get rid of the electoral vote finally? Please? This is twice in my lifetime that the candidate who won the majority vote lost the electoral, and so didn't become president, and this is ridiculous.

I'm scared. For myself and others.

I want to go back into the closet.

At least I have that option, some other minorities can't hide what they are.

How many are going back into the closet? And how many will choose not to come out because of this?

No, I can't go back in the closet for a variety of reasons. In fact, it's time to finally walk in the Pride Parade.

This would be a good time to get a bunch of safety pins.***

Aaaand...there Trump goes, saying he won't repeal Obamacare when that was one of his major running points.

Why is everyone so surprised?

Hello, Trump does what's best for Trump, including saying and promising whatever he had to to get elected. Let's just hope that what's best for Trump doesn't fuck us over too much.

I regret having been silent on the topic of politics and the danger Trump poses.

I regret allowing my former significant other to all but silence me on the subject of politics for almost five years.

I regret that I chose silence over the pain of being told by someone -- someone who said that he loved me -- that voting Democrat is an insult to my intelligence. I regret that I chose silence as a way to avoid arguments with him.

I'm tired of being quiet. It's time to speak up.

More thoughts:



*Hate crimes against minorities increased significantly within the twenty-four hours following the election.

**There is actually discussion about this, and while it has a certain appeal I question if it's called for at this point.

***After Brexit safety pins were worn by people as an indication that they are allies of minorities. Some are doing that in the USA now.

Gender Tag

Over on my YouTube channel I did the Gender Tag a few weeks back. I decided to also write my responses to the gender tag...which should be interesting, particularly since my understanding of my gender has changed since I did that tag.

If you're curious about who started the gender tag and why I'd recommend reading up on it here. It's actually supposed to be a YouTube thing, and I'll put the video I made down at the bottom.

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I am gender fluid, which means that my experience with my gender can change. When I first realized I'm genderqueer I was a woman and demiguy, but realized it's more complicated than that when I woke up one morning feeling no connection to any gender at all. You know, agender. At the moment my gender is back to being somewhat feminine, and I'm kind of missing feeling part guy. If that makes sense.

But yeah, I'm gender fluid. Or gender complicated, as I sometimes call it in my head.

2. What pronouns honor you?

I'm happy with she/her, and I wonder if I might also be comfortable with he/him if I'm feeling and presenting more masculine. That hasn't been put to the test, however.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

This has changed over time, and I now realize that that's probably partially due in part to how my experience with gender changes. For much of the past couple years it's been more feminine but with definite hints of masculinity, like professional shoes and a watch that aren't precisely feminine. But I'm kind of starting to explore...it's still feminine pretty often, but I also want to experiment. And during my agender week I was definitely avoiding my more feminine clothing.
 
4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

My hair style has been changing...for quite a few years I kept it up in a tight knot secured with a hair stick, but now I'm wearing it down much of the time. I definitely don't have facial hair, and I shave my armpits and legs.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

In the past year I discovered the joy of makeup. Let's just say it's a fun play toy. I've also started having my nails painted pretty much constantly. I don't like perfumes, or even scented deodorant, but I do have some nicely scented Axe body wash I've started using that I really like.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

This question always brings to mind an experience I had when I was a teen. My younger sibling and I took some dance classes together, and when there were dances with gendered parts I always wanted to dance the guy's part. And that was pretty much always allowed. However, this one teacher insisted on pairing siblings, which put Tall One and me together and the other two girls in the class with each other. Apparently the only proper way to do things, so far as this teacher was concerned, was for siblings of opposite genders to dance together...?

This left me pretty upset since I really wanted to learn the guys part, and after figuring gender stuff out it finally makes sense.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I thought I didn't, but then I had the agender thing happening for maybe a week. During that time I wanted to bind my breasts, which was a surprise to me, and towards the end I finally gave in and tried binding for a few hours one evening. Based on the relief I felt I'm going to say that I occasionally feel dysphoria, enough that I want to get a binder at some point but rarely enough that it probably won't see much use.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

Let's just say that my feelings towards kids is complicated. On one hand I've kind of always wanted kids, on the other hand I'm kind of scared of screwing up being a parent.
 
9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

I'm going to pretend that "family" means significant other. I'd like to be able to provide, for in case that becomes necessary, but I don't care if I'm the breadwinner. I also don't care who makes more money. As for dates...the way it works with me and my significant other is that whoever has more money pays. Or if we're somehow equally broke, we split the check. That works pretty well for us. As for others paying when I'm out and about, unless it's my parents I tend to be uncomfortable letting someone else pay for me. I'm not sure why.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

For some years I'd been wanting to change my name from Sarita to something else, but every name I considered was too feminine. When I figured out I'm gender complicated I finally started looking at gender neutral names...which is how I found and embraced Raine. It's now legally my name, but since I don't want to abandon Sarita entirely it's now my middle name.

Finding Me

It's difficult to fully trust yourself when, on some level, you know you aren't being fully honest with yourself about some basic facts. I think I've known this subconsciously for some time, and I guess it's in the past year that the dialogue in my head started really making progress towards me figuring things out. Here's an abbreviated version of what went on in my head space.

What makes someone a man or a woman?

Wait...if I don't know the answer to that, then how do I know I'm a woman? But I obviously am. I know that I am.

 And why does "cisgender" feel weird when I apply it to myself?

I feel...like multiple genders? Like I'm not just a woman? No, that's weird...

I'm seriously asking, is there a word for someone who's a woman but also sort of a guy?

Oh, yeah...bigender.

Bigender = a person with two genders

Maybe I'm still sorting out my gender on some level, but bigender is the best word I've found for how I feel. I am a woman. I also have a masculine gender, which I'm calling demiguy for lack of finding a better word.

Finally acknowledging this to myself is a huge relief. I'm also laughing to myself, since there are some things that make sense in this light. Things that made me think some time ago that my gender might be a tad bit complicated, though I never said anything about it. How am I supposed say something when the words I need haven't really sunk into my consciousness yet?

The best thing is that I've become more sure of myself since this realization. More confident in myself. And I've seen other positive changes in me. For one thing, I'm now finding that I'm able to get myself places, alone, without freaking out about it. Given the agoraphobia I've dealt with for over a year, this is quite an accomplishment. And proving how calmly I can handle taking the bus by myself again, I went alone to get a tattoo that I've been wanting for a while. The tattoo is a topic for another post, though. :)

But aside from getting back to how I was before my big anxiety meltdown last year, I'm also becoming a person I've wanted to be for years. I'm learning to not constantly think that if something isn't going right, then it must be my fault. And I'm finally learning to not beat myself up so much over my failings, to just make mental notes about how I can do better next time.

It's good to finally be honest with myself, and it's a relief to finally be getting back to who I am. Perhaps the best bit is just being more comfortable with myself.

Halloween cat on textbooks

And, because I'm a student who ought to be studying on Samhain, here's a Halloween cat sitting on textbooks! And yes, I did use that Jane Austen novel for the ethics class, so those two books do actually go together.

I hope everyone has had a good Halloween and/or Samhain, or whatever else you might celebrate when the veil is thin. My Samhain has mostly been a mixture of getting the tattoo and sleeping, and I went to a Halloween party last night with my boyfriend. Before the night is out I also ought to do something creative, I've found that I always have the urge to make something on Samhain. I don't know why. Maybe as a sort of reminder that even though this is a day to remember those who have passed before, life goes on.

Bi Week

This is Bisexual Awareness Week. It's a time dedicated to discussing bisexual issues and also covering the important little detail that, yeah, we exist.

bi triangles

At first I wasn't sure what to write about bisexuality, since yeah I can't help but think about it daily, but I wasn't finding myself with any new thoughts that I hadn't already written on. Then I observed two things in myself that are worth mentioning, simply to discuss the bisexual experience.

First is probably a non-issue for those who don't experience depression. It probably isn't such an issue either for people who don't take it personally when people miss seemingly obvious points and seem incapable of freaking listening to facts (that this gets under my skin is something I finally figured out about myself recently).

Thing is, I get so exhausted and frustrated and even depressed from people spouting stupid stuff about bisexuals, and by bad news in the queer world, that this prevents me from engaging in the bi community at times. Actually, for much of the past year or so. Which is sad when I think about it, since I do want to be talking to other bisexuals about bi related stuff.

What's the solution? I don't know. But I know I can't be the only one feeling like this (and I'm sure there are others who feel like me for each of the letters in the LGBT+ world) so I thought it an important point to bring up.

The other thing I noticed is that I still have the habit of making assumptions about sexual orientations. This is despite the fact that I don't like it when others assume I'm straight...something that's inevitable when I'm out with my boyfriend. I was reminded that I do this, however, when I found out this week that someone I've assumed to be straight is actually bi like me.

What really amazes me is that this happened despite a similar thing happening last summer. As I was talking to a new friend who I knew had a boyfriend, she mentioned previous girlfriends. That took me off guard, and I'd thought I learned my lesson about making assumptions. Obviously though, I'm still learning.

The moral of this particular story? I guess it's that people can try their best, and still fall short of what they want for the world. But the important thing is that we keep trying.

I'd like to end this particular post with a poem that illustrates why it is that I think about my sexual orientation daily, as I mention above. It's written and recited by Ashley Mardell, someone who is gay/bisexual/pansexual/queer...she uses different terms at different times. It's a poem I keep returning to.

Blind Spots

Is it simply impossible for some people to really fully understand certain others? We all see events, people, and ideas, through our own worldviews...shaped by our own experiences and the people we have met in the past (and our own encounters with previous people were shaped by the ideas we had at the time...) and given this...is it going to be inevitable that we meet people who we are incapable of fully seeing as themselves, or who are incapable of accepting us as we are?

Perhaps the phrasing above is rather convoluted, but I don't know how else to ask it.

I found myself thinking about this while reflecting on a conversation I had with a health care provider, which is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This guy was listing off things that cause me uncertainty, and he decided to throw my sexual orientation into the list. When I expressed my confusion at why he included it, he pretty much said "I once had a bisexual friend who chose to live the gay lifestyle since he thought it would be easier to remain faithful that way." I wanted to explain No, that's not how every bisexual works, we don't HAVE to choose between a "gay lifestyle" or "straight lifestyle" as he seemed to be suggesting I need to. But I was too shocked at realizing that he still doesn't get it, despite I don't know how many discussions we've had.

Why is my bisexuality so difficult for him to understand? Just at a wild guess, largely because he views all bisexuals with that one friend of his in mind...and he probably spoke with that one friend with preconceived ideas about what it means to be bi.

This leads me to ask, where are my blind spots? Where am I unable to see people as they really are because I'm too busy looking through Sarita's-World tinted glasses? How do I find these blind spots, and how do I learn to see once I've found them?

I know, this post is full of questions with no answers. Sometimes that's how the world goes I suppose.

butterfly wing

Looks like an eye at first, right? I also had to do a double take before realizing that I wasn't seeing it correctly, so it seemed like a good photo to accompany this post.

Writing in Class

One of my classes started this week. The first things my professor did was have us write a bit on a few different subjects, and we shared our writings with the class as part of our introductions. I thought I may as well share what I wrote here, more or less as I wrote it, with only minor editing because a few things came out really awkwardly.

Also, a note...right before class, I had been chatting with someone I had some classes with a few years back and have kept in touch with on Facebook. After same sex marriage was legalized nationwide recently, I responded to a post of hers on Facebook about how she feels that no matter what, either gays or Christians will face discrimination. I also said that I normally wouldn't comment on something like that on Facebook, but that her stance has me baffled since she's one of the sweetest people I know. To this, she suggested that we get together over coffee to talk, and we agreed to meet on campus before my class would start. Our conversation, and the curiosity on both sides of it, was fresh in my mind when the professor gave us our first subject to write on.

... ... ...

Current social problem or concern: Considering the conversation that I just came from, the subject of willingness to listen to other people comes to mind. I was just talking to someone about her Christian beliefs versus queer rights, and how both can live alongside each other. She talked about “compromise,” but I don’t see how “compromise” is needed since I don’t see how her own rights are being infringed. Maybe I need to learn to listen better? But maybe she just means that she wishes she could express her own feelings without people coming down hard on her for them. Both of us walked away from the conversation being glad that we could just talk, and she was asking me about my Pagan beliefs. So, problems: 1) That some feel queer rights and Christian freedoms don’t coexist well. Is there a solution that makes everyone happy without anyone feeling like they’re compromised? 2) Willingness to listen to others when you disagree with them, this doesn’t happen enough. The second seems to be a human nature problem, and is a conversation well worth having throughout all human history. The first is a problem particular to here and now, at this time in history and in this place, though others have had this conversation (and others will again) in other countries.

Writer I admire, type of literature/genre I’m drawn to: Jim Butcher, Tamora Pierce, Ursula K. Le Guin. Writing that gets into what makes us tick, is very serious in that way, but manages to also have a sense of humor about it. I love fantasy/science fiction in particular, but I think in other genres I particularly love the books that fit the above description.

Greatest fear, one of them: Being alone, with no one to help me. This may be what drives my agoraphobia, since it frightens me that anxiety might take hold of me when I’m out and about, feeling dizzy and feeling distant from the world, but not have anyone to hold on to to anchor myself, someone who is my “lifeboat” or my safety net, I suppose.

Marriage Equality

Liberty and Justice making out, credit: visiblefriends.net

Marriage equality. It's too big for my next post to not be about it.

When we got it in Oregon I was surprised at how relieved I felt. After all, yeah I'm bi, but I'm in a long term committed relationship with a man. That being the case, why should I feel such relief? But it turns out that it's really nice to know that the law will treat me the same regardless of my significant other's gender.

And now that we've got marriage equality throughout all the states? I'm delighted. There are a few points I want to address though.

The first point is that I and other bisexuals grit our teeth whenever same sex marriage is called "gay marriage." Yes, gays in all states can now get married. And for them, it is gay marriage. But this is also a big win for bisexuals, many of whom are in same sex relationships, and whose marriages will be no more gay than I am. I know many might say that I and other bisexuals are just getting nit-picky here, but it's a matter of whether our existence is being acknowledged. "Same sex marriage" is very inclusive, whereas "gay marriage" ignores that marriage equality benefits us as well. If you're one of those who call marriage equality "gay marriage," please think about this.

It's a detail that doesn't prevent my good mood, but it is something that needs to be discussed even in the midst of celebration.

Point two is that even while I'm happy and looking at this wonderful reason to celebrate, I remember there's still more work to be done. I'm tired of reading about the murder of trans people just because they're trans, I'm tired of hearing about the suicides of queer youth, I'd prefer for our mental health rates to not be so bad...and there's so much more, but I'll limit myself to listing three things. Basically, we've come a long ways, but there's further still that we need to go. And I think we've proven that we can accomplish a lot if we put our minds to it.

Pride Parade and Protesting

Flags in rainbow colors

I went to the Pride parade over the weekend with Amber. It was my second time going, and her first.

We arrived a little after the parade had started, and I'm going to blame that on the parking situation. Parking is difficult to find at the best of times in downtown Portland, but when lots of people turn out for something like Pride...good luck. You'll need it.

There were lots of rainbows and smiles and awesomeness, and everyone was getting into the mood in their own way. Most of us by being happy to be there, but that wasn't the case with everyone.

It was just our luck that Amber and I chose a place to stand less than a block away from a few protesters, who had brought signs and and a loud voice.

Rainbows and protest signs

There were had a couple different signs, one proclaiming YOU STILL NEED JESUS, and the other listed various sins on one side while explaining that the blood of Jesus will wash away our sins on the other. And after listening to a protester's voice for a while (I mostly had a hard time making out words, not that I was trying) I couldn't help but think that his voice was going to give out before the end of the parade.

Oddly enough though, the presence of protesters didn't seem to dim the gay mood. I don't know about the people closer to them, but those around me were so happy to be there that no one seemed to care about our uninvited guests. We mostly ignored them, in fact. It felt to me like yeah, they're here, and they hate us, but there are so many of us that it doesn't matter what they thinks. I still wish they hadn't been there, and even that there were no reason for Pride marches (someday...), but it was so good to realize that their presence didn't seem to matter.

Perhaps best of all was when a semi drove past him as part of the parade. Turns out it's difficult to be heard over a truck horn.

Protester vs. Semi -- Protestor: 0 Semi: 1

Eventually I noticed that the protesters had left when I wasn't paying attention. It was surprising to realize that I had eventually paid so little attention to them that I failed to notice their absence initially.

For me at least, it didn't seem like the presence of protesters dimmed the mood. I hope that most everyone else there had the same feelings I did, that their protest in our midst didn't really matter to what were had come together for. And I couldn't blame Amber for her initial response to them, stunned disbelief that they'd show up to tell us we're going to hell. I wasn't as shocked as she was, but I was also surprised.

Fan Mail to QC

I e-mailed the creator of my favorite online comic, Questionable Content, and thought it might be worth sharing what I wrote to him here.

It may be fair to say that I'm a tad bit obsessed with this comic. I have three of the books, signed. I have a Winslow plushie, and I want Pintsize and Yelling Bird plushies as well. Because, well...I'm obsessed. Also, I can't have Winslow without also having Pintsize. The universe isn't supposed to work like that.

.... ... ...

Jeph,

For years I have dealt with an anxiety disorder and depression, and last summer the anxiety in particular came down hard on me. For the first time in my life I had panic attacks, though I don't remember many specifics of what it was like. I can say that it was the most difficult time of my life as I was waiting for a new medication to kick in which I hoped would help (fortunately it did).

There were a few things that gave me something to hang on to while I was waiting to get better, and QC was one of them. It didn't only give me something else to focus on, I actually realized I could relate to Hanners in some unexpected ways that were comforting. In particular, I was able to laugh at myself when I caught myself worrying about not worrying one night, since I could remember Hanners doing that. (It was in Number 801: Like A Fainting Goat.) Remembering that actually helped me calm down.

Even before QC helped me through anxiety, I was very delighted to have found an online comic that's so queer friendly. Being bisexual, it always makes me happy to find stories I love with characters who happen to be queer.

I just wanted to let you know how QC has helped me, and to thank you for making it.

Sarita

LGBT Books

Recently I signed up with BookBub, a website designed to let people know about great deals on eBooks. And during sign up, I requested to get notifications about different authors and genres. Tamora Pierce. Fantasy. Science Fiction. Jim Butcher. Bestsellers. Horror. Jane Austen. John Green. Robyn Ochs. LGBT. You know, a variety that somewhat reflects my broad (but still focused on scifi/fantasy) tastes.

I haven't read many fiction LGBT books. Or I guess I've read some with queer characters, like Albus Dumbledore, but they aren't discussed as LGBT books, so I hadn't given much thought to what will give a book the LGBT label. But after seeing the many LGBT books recommended to me by BookBub, I've come to the conclusion that it's a hot romance involving a same sex couple. Oh, and so far I haven't gotten notifications about books involving trans characters. Where the heck are those novels?

My observations got me thinking...why do we need to see a same sex relationship to get that someone's queer? (Actually, this could be part of why bisexuals get called gay or straight depending on who we're in a relationship with, but that's off topic for this post.) We catch on easily enough to the fact that someone's straight even when they're single. So why do we need to see someone kissing another person of the same gender to get that they're queer?

Maybe it's time for LGBT books to be written about queer characters who are single. We already have plenty of books about single straights, so why not?

What would these books look like? I don't know. Maybe they already exist and I'm just not seeing them. If you know of any, please tell me! I want to know. I admit that my knowledge is pretty much limited to the e-mails I've gotten from BookBub, and I'm just assuming that it's a fair representation of what's out there.

It's an idea that I wanted to throw out there. Having LGBT romances is awesome, and I'm certainly not going to complain about having them around. But we're so much more than who we fall in love with, and it would be great to see that fact explored in LGBT books.

Pile of books

Different ≠ Other

I'm weird. An oddball. Different. I've known this for ages, ever since I was little and every time I opened my mouth someone in my hometown thought I was from a different continent. That was due to my speech disorder, which seems to have morphed into something of a southern accent and doesn't get comments these days. But I'm still different. Pagan. Bisexual. ADHD. It's not like there's no one else like me out there, but I'm definitely in the minority.

And that's ok. There's nothing inherently wrong with or othering about being different. The problem arises when someone is pushed to the outside, to where they no longer belong.

One of the best examples of this comes from when I was selling Girl Scout cookies outside a store. Someone else was handling the transaction, but I noticed that the customer wasn't sure what to get. Trying to be helpful, I told him "The Tagalongs are my favorite!" The guy looked at me, back at the other Girl Scout helping him, and said in a tone that was almost scornful, "Where's she from? New Zealand?" He then paid no more attention to me, she said nothing about it, and they finished the transaction. It was pretty clear to me though that because of how I spoke, he considered me beneath his notice, except as an object of derision. And then we all pretended like it hadn't happened.

That brief interaction hurt badly. It's only in the past few years that the memory stopped being painful. I want to say that it's because I've learned to not care, but I have to admit that maybe it's because I apparently finally sound like I'm from the continent I've spent my whole life on.

I want to emphasize though, the problem wasn't that someone drew attention to my speech disorder. That was a regular occurrence that I was comfortable with. The problem was being treated as other, as though I didn't belong. Let me show you another way it could have played out that would have been fine.

"The Tagalongs are my favorite!" "Hey, weird accent. Are you from New Zealand?" "No, it's a speech disorder. And I was born down south, but raised up here." "Oh, ok. Hey, are the Thin Mints any good?"

This one would have also stuck in my memory, but only because no sympathy or reassurance that I sounded fine was offered. (Why reassurance ticked me off would be for another post, though.) What makes this scenario so good, to me, is that ultimately my accent doesn't change how I'm treated. Fortunately, my speech disorder hasn't made a difference to most of the people I've met.

As to what prompted this post...I don't know. I can't even say that being different has particularly been on my mind lately, because it always is. It's kind of difficult to go a whole day without being reminded of how I'm different in some way. But something, somehow, got me thinking about how being queer, Pagan, or whatever, doesn't necessarily mean that one has to be an outsider. And I think that's an important thing to remember.

Pride Parade '14

This one has been lurking in my draft folder for a while...the date on it was June 18th of last year. I think I hesitated to post it because I was unsure how much I really wanted to share about the classmate who refused to allow same sex couples at his end of year party. I'm leaving that in because it was something I was mulling over at the time, I've mentioned it since then anyway, and I had a point I wanted to make that was relevant to Pride week and about not jumping to assumptions about one's beliefs regarding LGBT individuals based on their religion.

... ... ...

Last weekend I went to my first Pride Parade. I wish I'd been to one sooner. I took a lot of photos, way more than would be reasonable to put in a blog post, but I've managed to narrow it down to sharing just a few.

Brides on a motorcycle? Pretty awesome if you ask me.

I found this rainbow of balloons a little more amusing than I probably should have, since they had to stretch it out to fit under the street lights.

I wonder how many times they had to do this during the parade.

I was quite happy to see bis in the parade. Bi Brigade is a group I hadn't known about, but after some minor research I think I would have noticed them in the past few months if I hadn't been so focused on homework.

Side view, with the bi colors of pink, purple, and blue. :) There were also others throughout the parade with bi signs.

Ok, so, I may have gotten a little over excited about this band. As in, I was a lot excited about this band. I admit, I love drums. And they were surprisingly loud, too. Louder than a bagpipe band, I think.



Yeah, I was excited enough to find a YouTube video of them to share.

There was a Rocky Horror Picture Show float with the unfortunate couple walking behind...

...and a certain mad scientist with his creation on the float.

There were quite a few churches in the parade, but I was particularly interested to see Catholics for marriage equality, given a recent Facebook drama that I unfortunately was sort of part of.

A Catholic classmate was planning a party, and when someone asked if same sex couples would be welcome he said no. A couple of us (sort of publicly) stated that we would not attend due to this, and got called out for it. We were told off for humiliating the classmate and our actions were even compared to hate crimes, but what made me uncomfortable was the assumption that we were doing it for political reasons. I eventually had to point out that it's actually personal for me because I'm bi, and that I would feel unwelcome given the rules. This explanation was my second and final contribution to the discussion, and I was interested to see that people got a little more polite when they realized an LGBT person was involved. [Edit: In retrospect, I've got to say that part of the reason for the conversation calming down may have also been to do with those who were angriest leaving the argument.]

One of the criticisms leveled against us that we should have known this person's views already since he's Catholic. Well, given that I saw several Catholic churches in the parade, I'm not going to assume every Catholic I meet is homophobic. Besides which, we attend a Catholic University where I just took a queer studies class taught by a gay man.

Some may ask why I'm sharing this story, and some classmates in particular might ask that if they find this blog. I just want to make a point that, even though some might use a particular religion as an excuse to be anti-LGBT, I cannot assume everyone of that religion is unable to accept LGBT individuals. And given the number of churches I saw in the parade, I think it's a good point to bring up in a discussion of Pride week.

I was happy to see that my old community college, PCC, was in the parade. You can see someone carrying a trans flag, though it isn't very visible in this particular photo. There were a few of those flags throughout the parade.

The whole thing was two hours long, which surprised me. I've never been to one that lasted more than maybe half an hour! My feet hurt by the end, and my legs also ached, since I'm not used to standing for such a long time these days. But it was totally worth it.

A Post of Various Topics

First of all, it wouldn't feel quite right to write a post today without acknowledging that it's Transgender Day of Visibility. I don't feel knowledgeable enough to write much more than that, but I did want to mention it.

And on another queer issue...

This is the last day in Bi Health Awareness Month, with this year's focus on mental health. I'd meant to write about that earlier, but...I guess it's a bit too close to home? I don't know why I haven't written about it, really. I haven't even read up on it as much as I've wanted to. But I did write about it a bit in the diary/sketchbook I started recently, and wanted to share:

"Rates of depression are high among queers, and for a while I dismissed that [in relation to me]. But now I wonder if denying that I'm bi for so long took a toll on me. I certainly know that encountering ignorant opinions of bisexuality can have hurt me enough to make me wish I were monosexual. It still hurts, even though at heart I'm happy to be bi.

"I like being bi because it means I was born into a community, it gives me a place I belong. But that's not all of it..."

Pages from the journal

I'm certainly not saying that I think I'm depressed because I'm bi, or that being in the closet for so long is solely responsible for putting me where I am now. But I suspect that attitudes towards bisexuals (one of which I once had..."it's not real!"), having been closeted to myself, and perhaps a natural inclination towards depression/anxiety on my part all play with each other in my head with unpleasant results. So I've been mulling it over, and thought that it worth sharing, particularly given the month.

This page in my journal is currently unfinished. I'll wind up drawing something pretty over what I've written, as I've done on many other pages. The whole journal is a work in progress, which much backtracking. I also didn't finish my thought on why I like being bi because I ran out of space, but really I'm not sure what else to say aside from that having a community is comforting, though I do know there's more to it than that. I might write more on that later in my journal, or I might not. Depends on whether I feel the need.

Oh yes, and the second page you see...there's simply the text "I want green growing things in my bedroom" with a hanging garden drawn in. It recently occurred to me that having greenery in my bedroom might make me happier. So I've been thinking about how to make that happen, what plants would thrive in my window and elsewhere...that turns out to be a cheerful project. :) Though it did keep me up the other night/day/whatever (my sleep schedule has been super messed up) when my brain wouldn't let go of the subject even when I desperately needed to sleep. Darn hyperfocusing brain. lol At least it was focusing on something pleasant this time.

Knowing Myself

For a while I thought myself comfortable with the fact that I'm bi. Anyways, that's what I told myself, and at heart I think that I really am. I even like it (when I haven't been reading biphobic comments online). Also good is that I've learned so much about people and even myself since realizing I'm part of the queer world, and I'm often happy to be part of this community.

But...yes, there was a "but" coming.

It took me until I was twenty-two, almost twenty-three, to finally really admit to myself that I'm bi. (That was only a few years ago, I'm turning twenty-six this month.) I'm sure a large part of what took me so long to go from insisting "I'm straight, duh, never mind that I feel the same around this hot girl as I do with a cute guy" to "OMG I like someone but SHE'S A GIRL!" then "I'm mostly straight..." and finally "I guess I'm bi" may be because it completely upset my understanding of myself. After all, if there's one person in the world I should know, that ought to be me. Right? And to have not known something as basic as my sexual orientation...that really shook me up.

What I'm realizing now is that, since I now know how little I knew myself so recently, I don't know how well I really understand myself now. And that's unsettling. I mean, I think I know myself pretty well...but do I? Really?

This could be why I have a fascination with bisexuality. And, yes, I guess I really am fascinated by it, and with how anyone in the queer world comes out to themselves. Not only am I looking at a world that I should have been part of during my teens, but my sexual orientation is a constant reminder that I don't know how well I really know myself. And like a physical injury, that uncertainty is something I keep poking to see if it's gone away yet. And what's the only way I know to poke at it? By thinking about how long it took me to figure out my sexual orientation, and that I'm part of the bi world.

*poke poke*

(I wrote the *poking* just for fun, but am leaving it because it's funny. Or maybe that's just me. I may have a weird sense of humor.)

...I find myself unsure how to wrap this up. I guess I'm still figuring myself out, and looking at my relationship with my sexual orientation is the best way to see how it can take me a while to come to terms with who I am...even when who I am turns out to be pretty awesome.

Hopefully my next few posts will be less introspection and more talking about fun stuff going on around me. I guess that'll depend on my state of mind and what's going on, but I'll try. This blog is beginning to feel too angsty.