Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Knowing Myself

For a while I thought myself comfortable with the fact that I'm bi. Anyways, that's what I told myself, and at heart I think that I really am. I even like it (when I haven't been reading biphobic comments online). Also good is that I've learned so much about people and even myself since realizing I'm part of the queer world, and I'm often happy to be part of this community.

But...yes, there was a "but" coming.

It took me until I was twenty-two, almost twenty-three, to finally really admit to myself that I'm bi. (That was only a few years ago, I'm turning twenty-six this month.) I'm sure a large part of what took me so long to go from insisting "I'm straight, duh, never mind that I feel the same around this hot girl as I do with a cute guy" to "OMG I like someone but SHE'S A GIRL!" then "I'm mostly straight..." and finally "I guess I'm bi" may be because it completely upset my understanding of myself. After all, if there's one person in the world I should know, that ought to be me. Right? And to have not known something as basic as my sexual orientation...that really shook me up.

What I'm realizing now is that, since I now know how little I knew myself so recently, I don't know how well I really understand myself now. And that's unsettling. I mean, I think I know myself pretty well...but do I? Really?

This could be why I have a fascination with bisexuality. And, yes, I guess I really am fascinated by it, and with how anyone in the queer world comes out to themselves. Not only am I looking at a world that I should have been part of during my teens, but my sexual orientation is a constant reminder that I don't know how well I really know myself. And like a physical injury, that uncertainty is something I keep poking to see if it's gone away yet. And what's the only way I know to poke at it? By thinking about how long it took me to figure out my sexual orientation, and that I'm part of the bi world.

*poke poke*

(I wrote the *poking* just for fun, but am leaving it because it's funny. Or maybe that's just me. I may have a weird sense of humor.)

...I find myself unsure how to wrap this up. I guess I'm still figuring myself out, and looking at my relationship with my sexual orientation is the best way to see how it can take me a while to come to terms with who I am...even when who I am turns out to be pretty awesome.

Hopefully my next few posts will be less introspection and more talking about fun stuff going on around me. I guess that'll depend on my state of mind and what's going on, but I'll try. This blog is beginning to feel too angsty.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

We have enormous, depthless depths within us. Our conscious mind is like a peanut sitting on top of a mountain. There is much we don't realize about ourselves until life demands that it surface. In my own journey, I've found Jung's ideas about the unconscious and the shadow to be very illuminating.

Sarita Rucker said...

I'll definitely have to read up on Jung then, I know the name but that's it. And I like the description of a peanut on top of a mountain. :)