"I think I may be a little bi."

It turns out that I have written in 30 diaries over the years. Virtually all are full, with only 2 being abandoned halfway through. I knew it was a lot, but was still surprised at how many I've got when I counted them. Why did I count them? Oh, no reason. No, I wasn't trying to put off writing a final paper for school, why would you suggest such a thing?

I got quite a surprise when I glanced at the first entry of one of them. Reading it was a little like picking through an old abandoned box and finding a treasure that had been half forgotten, since it was a day I thought I hadn't written about. I was happy enough that I wanted to share the start to that diary here, and then realized that the timing conveniently lines up with Pride Month.

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January 4th, 2012 Wednesday 9:38pm

Today I picked up and read some of the book "The Journey Out: A Guide For and About Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Teens" by Rachel Pollack and Cheryl Schwartz. It has puzzled me how people sometimes don't just know their sexual orientation, and I hoped the book might help me understand.

It may have helped me understand a little too well.

I think I may be a little bi. I've pretty much always considered myself straight, but it is a fact that I have had crushes on two women in the past few years, and I've generally enjoyed looking at attractive women more than attractive men.

So, I guess I'm bi with a strong preference for men.

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Consider this a snapshot in the coming out process. And I do consider it the day I finally came out to myself. Because yeah, I'd sort of played around with that strange word "bisexual" before, but I think this was the first day that I finally tentatively called myself bi without immediately reverting back to saying some version of "but basically I'm straight."

In the past I've written several other posts on the topic of coming out to myself, I guess because I still puzzle over why it took me so darned long to get things straightened (or not) out. Maybe I always will.