Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Accepting My Bi-ness: Part II

I had just started my library job in December, and at that point we were still working in pairs. So when I came across a young adult book titled The Journey Out: A Guide for and about Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Teens I commented to my coworker "You know, it's funny how some people don't know their sexual orientation for years. How can you not know something as obvious as what gender you like?"

Bi pride flag
That's a question I had been asking ever since I became an adult, or maybe before, and in retrospect it's rather amusing. The annoying thing is that I'm still not entirely sure what the answer is, though I'm not quite as baffled as I used to be.

When I finished my work that day I retrieved the book because I hoped it would help answer that question. And it did, in a way. I can't remember the contents, but something about it made me think, and consider everything I wrote about in my last post, and more. I realized that my attraction to women went back years, and I was finally forced to face the fact: I am bisexual, and had been denying what I am for a long time.

I was very uncomfortable with this realization. But my discomfort wasn't with whether I would be accepted by friends and family, I think it was because it was my understanding of myself had been upset. And I was ashamed of my discomfort. It was because of that shame that I couldn't publicly talk about when/how I realized I was bi at the time, and I didn't expect to be able to write about it so soon after. I'm actually shocked to find myself writing about it so easily, now.

When I told my mom that I'm bi she told me she already knew. That surprised me, but she pointed out that I had questioned my orientation before. (She also knew I was Pagan long before I ever figured that out, and also suspected that I was falling in love with the boyfriend before I realized I had any feelings for him.) I can't remember what my boyfriend said when I told him, but he's quite happy that I can appreciate a good looking woman with him. Not that I don't give him a hard time for ogling an attractive waitress when we have dinner together, right after I've been eyeing her myself...

I'm still learning about the LGBT community, and getting used to actually being LGBT myself, instead of an ally. By now I'm very comfortable saying that I'm bi, but it's still strange to think of myself as part of a community that I had always looked at from the outside.

3 comments:

Magaly Guerrero said...

Sometimes those who love us can see us before we do. A long time ago I had to do something very difficult, leave someone for a reason he didn't understand at the time: he needed to find himself. Years later, he told me "Now I understand why you left me." It wasn't about being gay or straight, in our case, just about needed time to find other things and learn about the world, but I saw his needs before he knew he had them. I understand why your mom knew.

I'm very happy that you and your boyfriend can share all kinds of experiences, and even more joyful that you are finding yourself ;-)

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Moms know everything.

Sarita Rucker said...

Magaly -- It's funny how sometimes others can see things more clearly. It's like being too close can make it hard to see something.

Debra -- Not quite, but she can figure out some things before me.