Monday, March 2, 2015

Reflections and Discoveries

This post will be me sharing some of my progress and reflections by sharing snippets from my diary (with editing) in the past few months. I'm saying that now so that you can skip this post if you'd rather stick to my more cheerful and amusing posts.

Yes it's pretty personal subject, but there are aspects I can talk about. And since I've been in the habit of keeping things to myself, if there are areas that I am comfortable writing about I figure I may as well do that. And I don't think that I can describe some of my reflections better than I have at times in my diaries, plus reading them is the easiest way to take a look at my progress.

December 11th, 2014 Thursday 1:12am

I've realized that, in a way, I don't remember just how bad my anxiety was last summer. I know how bad it was, but...I guess in a way it isn't real, or I almost want to say that it's like it happened to someone else. Even though I'm still recovering. Even though I remember a few of the panic attacks, I know that for a while I always had adrenaline going for some hours after waking up. I know I had to force myself to take Celexa. I know I spent much of the time terrified and telling myself to calm down. Heck, I even avoided caffeine, since the last thing I needed was a stimulant. I know I was so scared to be alone for a while, that I turned to Facebook and the internet to avoid being totally alone. (I think I still use them for that, and it may be why I have trouble going to bed now.) I know I clung to Murray like I didn't want to let go, even though I was just going from the kitchen to the bathroom. And I didn't want to let go, even though we'd still be in the same apartment.

I know, and remember the events, but don't remember the emotions well, though I know what they were if I think about it. Probably a good thing, though. I can't actually remember how often I had the panic attacks, though.

(Note that the next entry contains a spoiler for character development in the TV show Babylon 5. Just thought I'd mention it.)

December 25th, 2014 Thursday 4:37am

It's amazing how one can find oneself in stories.

An example is in Babylon 5. Doctor Franklin defines himself by what he isn't, and he can easily list the things he's not. But he can't say what he is, and has to put a lot of effort into running from that.

I can easily say what I'm not, but I can't say what I am. In terms of my good qualities.

Franklin uses stims to hide. What do I use?

Then there is The Left Hand of Darkness

"To oppose something is to maintain it. ... You must go somewhere else; you must have another goal; then you walk a different road." 

If I want to be a different sort of person, a person who doesn't judge herself harshly and doesn't often feel like a failure, I need a different goal. But what?

What I used to hide: I hid from my emotions by thinking too much about them.

How I can walk a different road: allow myself to feel. Yes I keep going on about this, but I still find it a pretty amazing discovery.


I may get into the habit of sharing sunny photos simply because I like them.

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