Things had started to really look good on the first day of spring term. And no, that had nothing to do with going to school. I think it actually had to do with removing one stressor from my life temporarily, by way of taking a term off from attending classes. I didn't like making that decision, but it seemed necessary because depression really messed up school for me during winter term.
One of the first things I noticed when spring term started was that my sleep schedule got back to normal. I could easily sleep through the night and get myself out of bed in the morning, even when left to my own devices. But now, it's gotten to where I can't seem to sleep at night, and I just naturally wake up in the late afternoon.
And I find myself asking, why is this? I want to sleep at night. When I hear the birds starting to sing before I can even see predawn in the sky, I find myself reflecting that I've missed the luxury of being able to sleep at night. Yes, the luxury of sleeping at night. I want it. So why can't I manage it? I suppose I don't know for certain, but I've got a guess at what a large part of it is.
To paraphrase someone who I really do not like in Game of Thrones: the night is dark and full of scary shit. (Sorry, I like my version better than hers.) It's a time of darkness, where scary things can hide, when it's safer to keep your eyes open if you don't know what's out there. And rationally I know it's perfectly safe in my bed...but tell that to my anxieties. There's a reason I've always slept with a flashlight on my nightstand, though my sleep schedule hasn't gotten this messed up until the last year. I think some part of my problem is that subconsciously I feel day is a safe time, and night is a time to be watchful.
So the next question, of course, is...what do I plan to do about this?
For starters, I'm going to let myself stay up tonight as I'm naturally inclined to do, but then not go to bed until tomorrow night. That will really not be pleasant, but I hope it'll help to get me back on track.
And of course, I also have to figure out this whole anxiety and depression thing.
This got old some time ago. Can it just friggin' go away? Please?
|Lighthouse and Sunset|
And now, a lighthouse. Because they're more fun than the contents of this post.