Tuesday, May 28, 2013


I'm not sure how to cope with my grandma being in hospice.

I'll think I'm doing fine, then suddenly realized that I'm completely out of it. Maybe I have no clue what day of the week it is, or else I've overlooked important details that would normally be high priority. And yeah, I would occasionally get confused about the days of the week before all this...but not like how I'm screwing it up now.

This really throws me since I was never close to my grandma. I don't know if I'm mourning her, or if I'm mourning what I never had with her.

How am I supposed to cope when I don't know what it really is that I'm mourning?

Also, I seem to be transferring my grief/frustration/anger/I-don't-know-what to other things in my life. For example, my favorite ring.

My favorite ring was messed up big time yesterday when I exposed it to bleach. I hadn't realized what the consequences would be, and...well, I didn't take it well. I would have been upset at the best of times, because it's been my favorite piece of jewelry for so long, and I am really attached to it. But my reaction was a bit out of proportion to the damage done.

Luckily, I realized I was overreacting. Even as I was on the verge of tears I was able to tell myself that the situation with grandma was probably making me blow it out of proportion. Also, I realized that maybe I was trying to fix something that could be fixed, when I can't do anything for my grandma.

(Yeah, I sometimes manage to coolly examine myself as I'm falling apart. It's the weirdest thing. Wish I could always do it.)

I'm not sure how to cope with what's happening to grandma. And I'm not sure if transferring my grief/frustration/etc. to other things is healthy.

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