Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Grief

I'm not sure how to cope with my grandma being in hospice.

I'll think I'm doing fine, then suddenly realized that I'm completely out of it. Maybe I have no clue what day of the week it is, or else I've overlooked important details that would normally be high priority. And yeah, I would occasionally get confused about the days of the week before all this...but not like how I'm screwing it up now.

This really throws me since I was never close to my grandma. I don't know if I'm mourning her, or if I'm mourning what I never had with her.

How am I supposed to cope when I don't know what it really is that I'm mourning?

Also, I seem to be transferring my grief/frustration/anger/I-don't-know-what to other things in my life. For example, my favorite ring.

My favorite ring was messed up big time yesterday when I exposed it to bleach. I hadn't realized what the consequences would be, and...well, I didn't take it well. I would have been upset at the best of times, because it's been my favorite piece of jewelry for so long, and I am really attached to it. But my reaction was a bit out of proportion to the damage done.

Luckily, I realized I was overreacting. Even as I was on the verge of tears I was able to tell myself that the situation with grandma was probably making me blow it out of proportion. Also, I realized that maybe I was trying to fix something that could be fixed, when I can't do anything for my grandma.

(Yeah, I sometimes manage to coolly examine myself as I'm falling apart. It's the weirdest thing. Wish I could always do it.)

I'm not sure how to cope with what's happening to grandma. And I'm not sure if transferring my grief/frustration/etc. to other things is healthy.

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