Getting out and about by myself, though, is a different story.
I normally keep it to myself, because that's just how I am mostly. But I guess I need to talk about it more, particularly to Murray. We joke that he's a bad influence because of things like him exposing me to beer, but he's also a good influence in many ways. He's particularly good to have around when I need to talk about my anxieties.
Last evening I told him that I didn't want to go to a song circle I'd been looking forward to, and that I wasn't sure if I simply wasn't in the mood or if it was agoraphobia. If the first, staying home was fine. If the latter, I needed to go. He told me to go, and I decided to listen to him. I'm glad I did, because once I got there I enjoyed myself. And, I need music, it's something that's been missing in my life far too long. (If musical teenage me could see me now she'd be shocked into silence.)
Then today, I told Murray that I was too nervous about walking to a salon place just blocks away to get my eyebrows waxed. Yes, my anxieties prevent me from walking just a few blocks from where I live. (Don't ask how I'll manage getting myself to school this summer term, I don't know.) But again, with his encouragement, I walked to the salon.
I guess I just need him, or someone else, to tell me to go do something to get past the agoraphobia. It still isn't easy, and can leave me feeling shaky, but I can do it. Or at least, I could in these two cases.
As to what I'm afraid of that makes it difficult for me to go out alone...that's difficult to explain, especially when I try to deny it even to myself. I may be able to write about at another time, but not today.
Whatever it is that I'm afraid of, I'm glad that I finally know that something (or rather, someone) can help me face it.