|Scale by Megan Shannon|
I have to wonder, why is this? After a couple months trying to figure out my own mind, I've come to suspect that it has something to do with how I once viewed a classmate:
"Look at how skinny she is. I can see her bones! She must be anorexic. Why doesn't she eat something? I feel so sorry for her."
I hate to admit it, but those were my thoughts. Or close enough. And although I'm not nearly as skinny as that classmate of mine was, I wonder if I will eventually lose that much weight. I also wonder if people will look at me the same way I looked at her. That's not a pleasant thought.
Recently I've even started to worry about what my boyfriend thinks of my body. I told him this last evening, and for the record, he still says I'm the hottest woman he's been with. Not that he's unconcerned by my weight loss -- he once actually tried to give me a hamburger he'd bought for himself when he saw I wasn't eating much. (There's a reason I love him.) But somehow it's still comforting to hear him say how beautiful I am.
As this goes on, I wonder if there's any point to seeing the doctor about unexplained weight loss. But they couldn't find anything wrong with me last year, and according to the stupid BMI I am still a healthy and "normal" weight at 105.2 lb. And the BMI is what the doctors go by, right? Maybe I'll call the doc if/when I reach 100 lb.
Perhaps the worst bit is that I feel like I can't talk to people about this the way I would about the flu. I think people are more likely to be sympathetic if I say "I'm in bed with a fever and I HURT!" than when I tell them "Um, I'm losing weight and I'm not sure why."