Saturday, December 8, 2012

Princess Peach's affair

First, a brief explanation of the Mario story for anyone who doesn't know: Mario's girlfriend, Princess Peach, often gets kidnapped by Mario's arch enemy, Bowser. As a result, the Mario Brothers games often consist of Mario trying to rescue the damsel in distress.

But really, I don't think that the damsel is distressed.

I have this theory about Princess Peach. You see, it's odd how easily she gets kidnapped by Bowser. I mean, come on. I've played her character in Super Smash Brothers Melee. She's a good fighter, even if she does expose herself every time she kicks someone in the face. She ought to be able to take on Bowser no problem.

Yet every time you turn around, Mario has to go rescue his girlfriend.

Given the evidence, I am of the firm opinion that our precious little princess is actually carrying on an affair with Bowser. And, that Mario knows.

I've been playing Mario Brothers on the Wii with my mom and brother. (That actually deserves a post all of its own.) Every time we get to the air ship or whatever and finally catch sight of Peachy, Mario just stops and just stares. He ought to be capable of getting aboard that ship, beating up Bowser and taking back his girlfriend. But instead he stops in his tracks and watches as Peach gets carried away from him yet again, and only after she's ought of sight does he go chasing after her.

Deep down, Mario must know that Peach is having an affair, and because he wants her to be happy he's only making half hearted attempts to rescue her. Otherwise the game would be over as soon as he got in sight of her.

Further evidence that Peach is having fun with Bowser: she has this awesome hover maneuver that she ought to be able to use to escape Bowser's air ship when it's docked. Yet she never even tries it, even when Mario is in sight. All she does is stand there and act like a helpless damsel in distress, waving and calling out to her would be rescuers.

So yeah. Mario, Princess Peach, and Bowser have this weird love triangle thing going on.

The happy trio


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hahahahaha -- I think you're on to them!

Sarita Rucker said...

A lot of other people also think she's having an affair, though I don't know if anyone else is saying that Mario knows.